Journalling....I was thinking of sending this to him in an email which is why I refer to h as 'you'.
Would this be bad to send to him? Maybe edit it heaps. There's so many thing I need to talk to him about practical/emotional/ to do with d etc and he won't talk to me when I address him.
This morning when you rang me I felt attacked when you launched straight into being angry and demanding to know why I haven't returned your calls. I was actually busy at someone else's desk between 3 and 5pm yesterday and did not have my phone on me. I had a missed call from your work number and had one message notification. I checked the message but it was blank. I checked it again in case I didn't hear it properly but I still could not hear anything. At the time I was in a rush to get home and I was nervous/anxious about talking to you when I didn't know what the topic would be. I didn't want to call you back and end up having a fight on the phone while I was travelling home on the train within earshot of other people. When I got home, I had 15 minutes to get d bathed before A got to the house to babysit. Again I did not want to ring you when someone else was around and I did not want to have a fight with you again on the phone. I will not be returning your calls unless you leave a message indicating what you wanted to talk about. I will be assuming that if you want me to call you that you will leave a message outlining what you need to talk to me about or text me with a request to call you RE whatever the subject is. I will be able to talk to you civilly and politely about d or other practical things. I do not want to get into emotional or angry discussions. I will be doing my best to be calm, polite and friendly to you. If I feel that I am not able to be pleasant and objective about the discussion I will request that we talk another time. When you sound hostile or angry, I feel anxious and I start to get tongue tied. I would rather not continue a conversation when I feel that way because I start to say things that I did not plan on saying and make less and less sense. ..... I start to say things that I think will calm you down rather than what I meant to say. This ends up making you more angry when you discover it’s not what I meant to say.
If you wish to have detailed conversations about d and arrangements to see her, let me know ahead of time that you wish to talk about her and I will respond as soon as possible. I have no desire to block or diminish your relationship with her. I need you to cooperate with me in this.
I do expect that if you wish to talk to me about something, that you can start a conversation off in a pleasant manner. It serves no purpose to be hostile straight away as I just get anxious in return and nothing useful comes of the conversation.
When you called me this morning, my recollection of the conversation is this: Me "hello?" You "where are you" Me "just leaving arena" You "why haven't you answered my calls?" Me "when?" (my first thought was that you were referring to this morning but I had had my phone on me and I was sure that I had checked it. My second thought was "oh, maybe he means the blank message he left me yesterday - I wonder if he means yesterday or today?") You (can't remember exactly what you said but the gist was that you were pissed that I hadn't returned your calls. My anxiety levels had gone way up and I stopped listening properly because I was trying to defend myself against what I felt was you being hostile) Me "when are you talking about?" (I wasn't trying to be obtuse on purpose, I just wanted to know if you meant today or yesterday) You "where are you?" Me "just leaving arena. I have to take x to gymnastic lessons" (you know I have to leave straight after swimming lessons in order to make it on time - or perhaps you don't....?) You "where exactly are you?" Me "on kennedya drive" (I had pulled over) You (again I can't clearly remember what you said because): a) I was anxious because I didn't know why you were calling other than to get angry with me about not returning your call, b) I was anxious because I didn't want to be late for X's gymnastics, c) I was anxious because I didn't want x to hear us arguing on the phone d) I was anxious and worried that you would demand that I turn around and come and see you and I didn't want to speak with you while you were sounding angry and end up being late to gym.
I think you ended the call at this point.
D asked me after the call had finished what had happened. I didn't really know what to say. I think I said that you were angry with me because I hadn't answered your calls and I didn't know what you wanted.
She then asked me if "you guys had broken up" I thought for a moment and believed I needed to say yes, so I did. But then I added that we have been “broken up for a while”.
She seemed okay with that at the time but just before we got to gymnastics I realised she was crying. I asked her what she was crying about and she said "because you adn daddy are broken up"
It seems that if we are talking pleasantly and civilly to each other and spending time together that she has not fully appreciated that we have separated. I don't blame her, it has been confusing for me and I'm sure it's been confusing for you too.
When AC (friend her age that is staying over tonight) got here I overheard d say to her. "Guess what?" (in a serious tone) AC: "What" X: "My mum and dad have broken up." AC: [didn't hear her response but I don't think she validated x at all, she probably had no idea what to say] X: [again I didn't quite hear but she said something else about us]
Then later when you came around and ignored me when you came in, X said to AC "See? I told you"
If you feel that I am putting d in the middle of this, let me know in an email how you would like me to deal with it. I believe I am doing the best that I can and I would like to be able to talk to you calmly about the best way to put d's needs first.
d told me on Tuesday that you had taken her to your place. I was glad and pleased that you have shown her where you now live. d also told me that you told her not to tell me where you live. I felt left out to start with because you know where I am most of the time and you have so far come and gone as you pleased in and out of our house. I don't feel like I have a sanctuary where I can have privacy from you. However, because I don't know where you live (or even who with - and believe me, the very first thought that crossed my mind was that you must be living with E already and told d not to tell me - though I acknowledged that was an unreasonable thought to have) you have a 'safe' place that you can retreat to but I do not. Then I felt sad because I thought that you must be either scared or suspicious of me and think that I would stalk you or something. It is not fair to ask a 6 year old to keep secrets from one parent to another. It will conflict with her loyalty. I can see how happy and bouncy she is when the three of us are together. It will make her feel conflicted. I actually said to her that I know what suburb you live in and that I don't really need to know where you live as I would not come around to your house unless you had invited me. I would like to know that you would afford me the same respect. I accept that it's a little less clear because you will need to come around to see d which is fine but if you wish to see me or talk to me, I would like a heads up before you rock on up. Even if it's a text message.
On Thursday after counselling when I tried to find out if you still wanted the microwave and you ignored me, d said "Daddy said to tell you that he doesnt' want anything from you". That's about when I lost my cool. I hope you recall me saying that I don't want you to use d to send messages between us. It is not fair on her. It is against all advice that I have read from websites like Relationships Australia etc. It puts d squarely in the middle and I'm sure that is not your intention. I understand that I have hurt you but I do expect that we both put d first. If you feel that I am not doing that, then let me know by email. Also please let me know what you do expect from me with respect to d. I do need you to tell me when you can spend time with her and how we can both ensure that she gets quality time with both of us even if we are separated.
On Friday morning as I was putting d's school bag into the boot of the car, d asked me what the microwave was and what it was for. I replied that I had gotten it for daddy but that you didn't seem to want it any more. d repeated what she had said the previous day about you not wanting anything from me. She also told me that she asked you if "you and mummy still love each other" and that you said "yes, but you didn't think mummy loved you any more". I told her that I do love daddy because he helped me to make you.
I do love you h, but I don't like the angry person you are being. I don’t want to spend time with someone who won’t look at me, who won’t talk to me except to mention sexual things, who gets hurt when I want to spend time on my own. I don't like the person I become when I am around you either. I don't like the hostility and the hurt in the air. I am continually anxious around you. You are an angry person because of what I have said to you on Monday night and you didn't allow me to finish what I had planned to try and say. I need the space to be able to work out how to be clear and cleanly communicate with you. At the moment, I just get all flustered and make the situation worse because I do not want you to be angry with me. I am scared of your anger. I know that you will not physically hurt me, but I am scared of what you will say, particularly when d is around. I do my best to act normal when she is around and it may look like I don't care, but the reality is that I am trying not to get upset or angry or react because I don't want d to see. When you get angry and raise your voice, I cringe. It doesn't seem to affect d. Is that because it really doesn't bother her or is it because if she does react and get upset, you get angry with her for being upset. YOu are very good at validating her feelings when it comes to something new that is external to our family or like about (our dogs that died a couple of years ago) but when she continues to be upset about it you appear very impatient with her for not 'getting over it'. I know it's hard. I have trouble too but I don't see you taking a deep breath and calming her down appropriately. What I see is you demanding her to stop being upset.
