WAW hasn't walked yet, but emotionally dead

[mako]

Well, I gave W a call because she asked me to check in...

Apparently she was overwhelmed by looking for housing, so may not move out asap, maybe the 1st of the month instead since that's when many vacancies open. Earlier it seemed that she wanted to move immediately, saying that she didn't want me to feel anxious or hurt by seeing her every day. She also apparently feels pain living there like this. I told her not to worry about me cause I'll be fine; I don't want you to settle for a bad place by rushing out and moving right away, take your time, unless YOU feel like you need to go immediately, then I'd respect that. She said she really appreciated that and would keep it in mind while looking.

We also talked about our day a bit, so it wasn't all business, though it was a brief conversation. At the end she kind of was sobbing on the phone a little. I was cool and calm the whole time, but tried to console her with "I know it's hard right now" and "Hope you feel better."

I forgot to mention, the other day she brought up the word "divorce" for the first time (previously all she ever said was she's leaving). We were talking about what we would do with our place. She said it was fine with her if I stayed a while, she's not going to go out and get a divorce right away, she needs some time first to get her head straightened out.

I think that's a positive, who knows what "getting her head straightened out" entails, maybe she'll discover she messed this all up. Or maybe she'll figure it out and call a lawyer next week, who knows. I do think that she needs to go to counseling of some kind, she is receptive to the idea, though she refuses to go to the one I'm going to and wants to find her own. She says if we go to the same one she doesn't think she will be open and honest enough. I disagree but I validated it.

I still think she has at least a small doubt about what she's done, she is feeling too much pain and crying to be as emotionally dead as she says she is...she goes on about how she cares so much about me and wishes she could take away my pain, and she is going through major pain as well, yet this is 100% the right decision? I really think she's just really confused right now, she made this major decision after being hurt for a long time and it has just wrecked her emotionally. I think if she were 100% certain she'd feel a lot differently, and I can't believe all her anxiety is because she's worried about me. None of this is to say she'll ever come back, just think she's not as far gone as she's sure she is at the moment. But I'm overanalyzing at this point, can't control her feelings, so just need to give her the space she needs and let her deal with her feelings.

I just can't get my hopes up and can't push in any way, being nice and GAL has to be my priority. She did say she'll be gone a lot of this month visiting family, hopefully during this time away she'll remember how I've been caring and pleasant this past week, rather than the detached person I was before.