I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[sandi2]

Okay, I will take the bait Cemar, but I want to send this out to the guys out there to see what you all think. Now, as I told you, my H and I are getting along fine....as far as getting along goes. We have not picked up on any of the intimate action. We may kiss each other good-night and good-by and sometimes even say ILY in the process, but that is about the limit to all of the touching, etc.

As you remember, I had told him during the EA that he was going to have to back away and leave me along, giving me breathing room or else I would not be able to stay here. Well, he did....and how! We were going to "talk" about our R, but as usual, I was the one that would end up talking and him just sitting there. Anyway, I just couldn't get my heart into it. After almost 42 years, I feel I have been down this tunnel so many times and never found the cheese and I am tired and can't find anymore tunnels....lol. The thing is that he does nothing in the meantime to try to "add" to the R or to "help"....do you know what I mean? Yes, he backed away, but now I imagine he is waiting for me to do all the "action" b/c he always did in the past. I was reading something about another stitch that made me think, boy, I would be so excited if my H would do something "fun" like that sometimes.

I don't know. I am thankful that he is kind and patient with me expecially where my health problems are concerned. I should never complain about anything where he is concerned. I just wished he would have a little "life" about our R sometimes.....like come in with an "idea" that is all his doing. That would thrill me so much if he would do some of the things I've suggested to the other H's here on the board. Couples need to have "fun" in their MR. He said that I had felt so bad with my health problems for so long.......I guess he has given up. I really can't blame him for feeling that way, but it is sad and it makes me feel guilty for having the fibromyalgia.

Now that he knows I have given up the OM, he seems to be completely satisfied to lay on that blasted couch every night and watch TV until he falls asleep. It is the same thing night after night, just like it has always been. I get so bored that I feel like I'm going to scream. That is what got me into trouble the last time.....bordom and lonliness.

Cemar asked why didn't I have an A with my H. Well, I wished I could have the ........motivation to do that. If I did...it would be kind of fun. You just don't get it--- and I know that some of you have said to just "do it anyway" and then the feelings will come. It is so hard when you've gone eleven years without any intimacy! Unless you've been there, I don't think you can understand just what it is like. I have not had anyone to even sleep in the same bed with me in almost 20 years. Can you imagine what that is like? I use to try to make him understand how important that was to me.....but apparently he didn't care enough......so I guess I eventually stopped caring also.

I wonder if I really do feel toward him more like he is a very dear relative (family member) than a H after all of these years of no intimacy. Do you think that can happen? I don't know. I think in some cases love changes with some people.

The one thing that I know I am very sensitive (and defensive) about is the fact that all the men here seem to think it is my responsibility to make the first move. Right? But why? Is it b/c of the EA? Or, wouldn't you think that anyway? I've read where most H's do. He has waited on me (according to what he says) all these years and I have not made the first move. When I think of us in an intimate way.....I just don't know if I can do it. He won't "woo" me b/c he is afraid of rejection.....so we are in sort of a bad way, aren't we? I don't have any desire to flirt with him or to "put the moves on him". So, I am in a bad way, huh?

Please pray for me.....it concerns me a lot. I love him b/c he is a good person. He deserves a W that would be so good to him and want to make love to him all the time. I don't understand why I am the way I am with him. When I was involved with the OM, I even wondered if I had ever been in love with my H or if I had just been fooled by young libido feelings. But, after really thinking back, I knew that I did love him when we got married. I use to cry when he would leave for work, those first few weeks of marriage,(of course he didn't know it) but I was so afraid something would happen to him that he would get accidently killed or something and I couldn't imagine my life without him. So, that was love! But, so much stuff happened over the years. As that old saying goes, a couple will either grow together or grow apart.

He refuses to go to C, and right now I don't have the finances to go to IC. I have tried a couple of times, but it didn't help.

So, I'm just kind of journaling I guess. I truly wished to God I could have those feelings for him again. Just to have the desire to do all those fun little things I did when I was younger. My D wanted to know why I couldn't put some of the energy into my H that I put into the OM.......and I didn't know how to answer her b/c I didn't understand it myself.

We are much kinder and talking much better to each other than before. We don't appear to have problems.....other than ther just isn't any interaction really going on between us. I guess I need to make more of an effort than what I do......but I have always been the one to do that and I got to the place that I rensented being the one to have to do all the "work". Am I wrong about that? Should I expect him to put forth more effort? If he had not always been like he is now.....I would think it was due to the EA....but he seems fine....just right back like he was before.

So, if any of you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.

P.S. another thing that concerns me.....and I have mentioned this before.....is the fact I don't have much desire to work on myself. When I was having the EA.....I worked really hard and enjoyed it. It was a challenge for me. Now, it is showing that I have given up. I have a "dead" look in my face. There is no life in my eyes. People are commenting how good I look these days like they did back when I was having the EA. so, that tells me I'm not doing what I should be doing b/c I don't "care" the way I did before.....and that bothers me that I don't have that desire to improve myself......if not for my H, then for me....like we tell everyone in DB.