ScottyMack, thank you for your kind words. I sure hope that your W is getting her act together. I must tell you that it sure did not come overnight for me. It was a very hard decision to make b/c I did not have any yearning for my H at all. It was more of what I knew I had to do morally right and hope that the "feelings" toward my H would follow. We are back to where we were before OM, etc. started up in my life, but we need to be better than that.
I do think your W showing the Pictures may have been a positive sign. Don't read too much into it and set yourself up for disappointment. Some days I would think I could make a go of my M and I would resolve to try harder, but then in a matter of hours all of that would fall through and I would be right back where I was. I don't say that trying to discourage you, only to keep you realisic. Hopefully, if she is thinking that she will do away with the OM and forget the D and stay in the M....then she is making positive baby steps. On the other hand, she may just have been in a friendlier mood that day. You know, if she has fully made up her mind to D you, then she may think that there is nothing that is going to stop her and that she is showing you she can be "friends" and still get D. So.....stay "real" friend.....I know it hurts like hell, but don't get your hopes up there too high. That is one of the things I've noticed about all LBS....they cling to every word and every little action, hoping it is a "sign" that everything is going to be okay. a lot of times, it doesn't mean anything, sweetie, so just hang in there. Give God time to work on her, believe me....He can---if she will listen to Him and do what she needs to do to fix her heart right with Him. I bet every time she goes to church, it just eats her insides up. It did me.
So, don't give up. Keep talking to us.
Take care.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, I will take the bait Cemar, but I want to send this out to the guys out there to see what you all think. Now, as I told you, my H and I are getting along fine....as far as getting along goes. We have not picked up on any of the intimate action. We may kiss each other good-night and good-by and sometimes even say ILY in the process, but that is about the limit to all of the touching, etc.
As you remember, I had told him during the EA that he was going to have to back away and leave me along, giving me breathing room or else I would not be able to stay here. Well, he did....and how! We were going to "talk" about our R, but as usual, I was the one that would end up talking and him just sitting there. Anyway, I just couldn't get my heart into it. After almost 42 years, I feel I have been down this tunnel so many times and never found the cheese and I am tired and can't find anymore tunnels....lol. The thing is that he does nothing in the meantime to try to "add" to the R or to "help"....do you know what I mean? Yes, he backed away, but now I imagine he is waiting for me to do all the "action" b/c he always did in the past. I was reading something about another stitch that made me think, boy, I would be so excited if my H would do something "fun" like that sometimes.
I don't know. I am thankful that he is kind and patient with me expecially where my health problems are concerned. I should never complain about anything where he is concerned. I just wished he would have a little "life" about our R sometimes.....like come in with an "idea" that is all his doing. That would thrill me so much if he would do some of the things I've suggested to the other H's here on the board. Couples need to have "fun" in their MR. He said that I had felt so bad with my health problems for so long.......I guess he has given up. I really can't blame him for feeling that way, but it is sad and it makes me feel guilty for having the fibromyalgia.
Now that he knows I have given up the OM, he seems to be completely satisfied to lay on that blasted couch every night and watch TV until he falls asleep. It is the same thing night after night, just like it has always been. I get so bored that I feel like I'm going to scream. That is what got me into trouble the last time.....bordom and lonliness.
Cemar asked why didn't I have an A with my H. Well, I wished I could have the ........motivation to do that. If I did...it would be kind of fun. You just don't get it--- and I know that some of you have said to just "do it anyway" and then the feelings will come. It is so hard when you've gone eleven years without any intimacy! Unless you've been there, I don't think you can understand just what it is like. I have not had anyone to even sleep in the same bed with me in almost 20 years. Can you imagine what that is like? I use to try to make him understand how important that was to me.....but apparently he didn't care enough......so I guess I eventually stopped caring also.
I wonder if I really do feel toward him more like he is a very dear relative (family member) than a H after all of these years of no intimacy. Do you think that can happen? I don't know. I think in some cases love changes with some people.
The one thing that I know I am very sensitive (and defensive) about is the fact that all the men here seem to think it is my responsibility to make the first move. Right? But why? Is it b/c of the EA? Or, wouldn't you think that anyway? I've read where most H's do. He has waited on me (according to what he says) all these years and I have not made the first move. When I think of us in an intimate way.....I just don't know if I can do it. He won't "woo" me b/c he is afraid of rejection.....so we are in sort of a bad way, aren't we? I don't have any desire to flirt with him or to "put the moves on him". So, I am in a bad way, huh?
Please pray for me.....it concerns me a lot. I love him b/c he is a good person. He deserves a W that would be so good to him and want to make love to him all the time. I don't understand why I am the way I am with him. When I was involved with the OM, I even wondered if I had ever been in love with my H or if I had just been fooled by young libido feelings. But, after really thinking back, I knew that I did love him when we got married. I use to cry when he would leave for work, those first few weeks of marriage,(of course he didn't know it) but I was so afraid something would happen to him that he would get accidently killed or something and I couldn't imagine my life without him. So, that was love! But, so much stuff happened over the years. As that old saying goes, a couple will either grow together or grow apart.
He refuses to go to C, and right now I don't have the finances to go to IC. I have tried a couple of times, but it didn't help.
So, I'm just kind of journaling I guess. I truly wished to God I could have those feelings for him again. Just to have the desire to do all those fun little things I did when I was younger. My D wanted to know why I couldn't put some of the energy into my H that I put into the OM.......and I didn't know how to answer her b/c I didn't understand it myself.
We are much kinder and talking much better to each other than before. We don't appear to have problems.....other than ther just isn't any interaction really going on between us. I guess I need to make more of an effort than what I do......but I have always been the one to do that and I got to the place that I rensented being the one to have to do all the "work". Am I wrong about that? Should I expect him to put forth more effort? If he had not always been like he is now.....I would think it was due to the EA....but he seems fine....just right back like he was before.
So, if any of you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.
P.S. another thing that concerns me.....and I have mentioned this before.....is the fact I don't have much desire to work on myself. When I was having the EA.....I worked really hard and enjoyed it. It was a challenge for me. Now, it is showing that I have given up. I have a "dead" look in my face. There is no life in my eyes. People are commenting how good I look these days like they did back when I was having the EA. so, that tells me I'm not doing what I should be doing b/c I don't "care" the way I did before.....and that bothers me that I don't have that desire to improve myself......if not for my H, then for me....like we tell everyone in DB.
Last edited by sandi2; 11/03/0705:04 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What was wrong with my post? Here is what I understand about the situation:
Sandi shows interest in OM. This gives OM reason to pursue her. He feeds her LOVE Bank (to win her desire). She continues to lead him on.
But with her husband she does NOTHING to show him interest, and based upon the last 10-15 years, he has absolutely no reason to pursue HER. So why does she not spend her efforts on her husband rather then OM? Seems to me that would be the CHRISTIAN thing to do.
I can feel for her husband, from his point of view, what is there to win?
Your being LIED too. Your own body is lying to you. The reason affairs are so appealing to women is the NEWNESS FACTOR. When LD women start new relationships, their bodies start producing all kinds of chemicals that MIMIC testosterone, which jump starts their libidos. Your going to experience this, and in 18-24 months, it will fail you just like the first time 40 years ago. Your desire will drop off.
It is so hard when you've gone eleven years without any intimacy! Unless you've been there, I don't think you can understand just what it is like. I have not had anyone to even sleep in the same bed with me in almost 20 years. Can you imagine what that is like? I use to try to make him understand how important that was to me.....but apparently he didn't care enough......so I guess I eventually stopped caring also. I can feel this, I have sex about 5 time a year with my wife, but over the last 7 years, we have NEVER kissed in any way, we have not cuddled, we have not hugged, she has not flirted with me, she has not even made ANY effort to touch me in any kind of sexual or romantic way. We do not say ILY, we do not show any affection, we don't even wear our wedding rings. The last time my wife expressed desire for me was 13 year ago, to produce our last son. So I can kind of feel your situation, and I know exactly how your husband feels.
Now that he knows I have given up the OM, he seems to be completely satisfied to lay on that blasted couch every night and watch TV until he falls asleep. It is the same thing night after night, just like it has always been. I get so bored that I feel like I'm going to scream. That is what got me into trouble the last time.....bordom and lonliness. This is what SSM's do to people, you lose all hope for the future. Your husband probably believes that divorce is not an option, but he also knows the pain of rejection, and he wants to STOP that pain. So the only solution is to do NOTHING, to avoid you. I can tell you from my own experience, that living with a LD wife is about the loneliest thing a man can do. His watching TV is his way of coping since he can not change YOU.
My D wanted to know why I couldn't put some of the energy into my H that I put into the OM.......and I didn't know how to answer her b/c I didn't understand it myself. That is the point of my questions as well. Your wasting all that effort on greener pastures (which they ARE not). Put it TOWARDS your husband.
Why do you expect your husband to go first, ESPECIALLY after all the years of rejection you put him through? At best, your husband can only change himself, he does NOT have the power to change your marriage, YOU DO. In SSM's, NOTHING is going to change until the LD woman decides for herself that SHE must change. He can do many thing to make himself more desireable, but this means absolutely nothing until you actually DESIRE him.
His goal is to win your desire and your respect. What can he do that will cause this? And not in 2-3 years, how can he do this in the next 2-3 months? There is no way that he is going to work at winning your desire for another 2-3 years.
Cemar, I just want to add that sometimes the man is not healthy enough to receive the love, respect and desire from his spouse. The spouse may have done all she could do, but her H, for psychological reasons, finds ways to push her away. He wants to relegate her to some fixed, non-intimate role in his life, while he continues to get fixes from other sources. I am not saying this was my situation...I know that I missed the boat in the desire and respect dept for a time in my marriage, a bigger time than I care to admit...but I do see this kind of thing occurring in some situations on the board. The husband really doesn't want intimacy from his wife.
Sandi Now that he knows I have given up the OM, he seems to be completely satisfied to lay on that blasted couch every night and watch TV until he falls asleep. It is the same thing night after night, just like it has always been…….20 years?…. So, if any of you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.
Sandi, ask your H to help you clean the bedroom and make up the bed with your finest linens 400/600 thread count sheets.
When you TWO of you are done, tell him his punishment for helping you is he has to sleep with you in that bed for a night. Set a time for showers by 9PM and lights-out shortly after, then listen to some music on the radio.
The above sort of worked for me. BB slept in the other bedroom for 5+ years because my soring kept her awake.
I fixed most of my snoring problems but it took a couple of years for us to settle in one bedroom. I never would have thought it would have taken that long.
Cemar, I just want to add that sometimes the man is not healthy enough to receive the love, respect and desire from his spouse. The spouse may have done all she could do, but her H, for psychological reasons, finds ways to push her away.
This was a lot of what was causing the problems in my marriage, specifically in my sex life. Because of some potent subconscious issues from his mad-as-a-box-of-frogs FOO, he would often push me away sexually/erotically and didn't even realize why or the extent to which he was doing it. This went in cycles, which made it even more confusing. And difficult for me to articulate what exactly was "missing/wrong", which I regret -- it was very much a failure of communication/courage on my part too. (I keep meaning to post about it ....) But I think it's very valid in some cases, and how frustrating to realize that the spouse reaching out for more intimacy can be "doing everything right" and still not seeing positive change.
However ...
Sandi .... I don't think anyone thinks it's "your responsibility", as such, to initiate more physical intimacy with your husband. But you are the one who is interested in seeing things improve. You've dipped your toe outside your marriage, and found the water too cold to bear, in terms of the consequences to your extended family and spiritual life. So if you still want the passion and intimacy, you will need to seek it inside your marriage. As far as initiation goes .... if not you, who? This is cliche', but true .... if not now, when? You could keep waiting to "feel the appropriate feelings", and you just might wait until both of you are dead. Take the first step and reach out. Who cares whose job it is? As far as I can tell, it's not that he is mistreating you .... he probably is quite gunshy himself, after all these years of living at cross-purposes and then your foray into virtual infidelity. If you want it, grab hold of it .... at least try .... what are you waiting for .... leap year?
Edited to add: You still seem to be carrying a LOT of resentment toward your husband for not, in your mind, putting in the work to make your marriage exciting. That may be totally justified, I don't know. But it seems to be acting as a profound drag on any feelings of love and desire for him, so you might explore ways to forgive and let go of the past (easier said than done, I know). Also, sometimes, even when you don't "Want" ... it's enough to "want to want". Like the man said to Christ ... "I have faith ... help me out where I need faith." Reaching out to your husband will take a leap of faith for you, I think. And to the degree that you believe that God wants you to enjoy a loving and affectionate marriage, it could be an act of religious faith as well as personal faith in yourself and your husband.
Last edited by Kettricken; 11/03/0710:28 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Cemar, that jab about the CHRISTIAN (in all caps, no less) thing to do...was a little below the belt, don't you think? The post was sent to Lilliepearl, but it was about me and it really did hurt for you to say that. In fact, I don't know that I can muster up the energy, after being sick all day yesterday, to make it to Church this morning---since I am such a lousy Christian---what good would it do, right? Maybe I should just take my sign down and forget the whole thing and stop even "trying" to be a Christian. However, that was the only thing that made me stop contacting the other man....even if I may not appear to be the best one in the world....it did mean something to me.
Anyway, I don't know why I keep trying to explain it b/c apparently I'm not being heard, but the point is this Cemar....I did not reject my h...ok? He left me right at the point that I was beginning to enjoy sex and wanted sex and was on the verge of having a climax for the very first time in my life...sex. (If you remember...and is this ironic or what....but I had "prayed" for years and years for God to help me in that department.) And, that is what I did not understand...why would he walk out of the bedroom (so to speak) at that point and time of our R? Isn't that what he always wanted? And, I have never gotten him to answer me about it, either. (God was finally answering my prayers....and my H walks out of the bedroom and never shows any desire to have sex again.)
So, he had no reason to use that old "rejection" as his excuse. I even told him year before that, that I would have sex whenever he wanted it...but guess that wasn't good enough. Plus, all the years we were married...up until the past eleven years when he chose to stop having sex with me....I ...are you listening here? I...me...Sandi....was the one that always pursued him!!! Did you hear that Cemar? I was always the one that put the life into the R with all the cute little "spice up the M" stuff. I just wanted to see him do something to show some "life" about himself and for once.....Mr. Sandi be the one to put some spice into the MR instead of me always being the one to "pusue". He didn't pursue....don't you get it? He just laid around and waited for me to do it all. Oh, he may use some crude manner to intiate sex and I might not have responded to him, and he called that rejection. For an example...and this happened quite often....he would come in the house and walk up behind me when I was washing dishes and ram his hands down the inside of my pants. No build up....no sweet words....just ram his hands down the inside of my underware. What was I suppose to do? Fall down on the kitchen floor, spread my legs and say, "Come get me big boy?" That is hardly the way it works for me and I have tried to tell him that over and over again. So, if you want to call that rejection....then yes, I did. I thought it was anything but romantic and that was not the way to woo me into the bedroom. I never understood after I tried to tell him how I felt about it....why would he keep doing it? Is he mentally handicapped? I finally got so fed up with it and use one of Dr. Gary Smally's advice and used a word picture to try to get him to "see" what I was trying to tell him....but he still didn't get it. So when I finally did get through to him....he gets all offended and sulls up and that was the last time he touched me sexually. So, was I wrong to try to tell him that it worked completely opposite from what he was wanting it to do to me? But, yet you think I should be the one to keep chasing after him and pursuing him? I don't get it.
We women try to keep from hurting the man's feeling b/c he is so sensitive where sex is concerened. The man takes it personally if we don't "emjoy" it or have a climax.....so a lot of women "fake" it just to protect the man's feelings. We don't dare try to explain that he isn't doing something right or what we would like for him to do......nope, he can't take it.....he thinks we are critisizing him. So what are we suppose to do? No matter what.....the monkey is on our backs. That is the way I have felt all these years...that the monkey is on my back and even after coming here and pouring my guts out to everyone....the monkey is still there.
You mentioned how the OM filled my love bank....yes he did and it would help considerably if my H would do the same. Ive tried to tell him what my love language was, but I might as well be talking to a wall for all the good it does. He did send me some flowers a couple of weeks ago when I told him how depressed I was. That was sweet of him, but that was not really what I was needing or wanting. In fact, I had to make a real effort to show him that I appreciated it. But since I was very sick with the allergies and the florist had put some stuff in the flowers that I was alergic to....it didn't help my feelings much. I was trying not to hurt his feelings and yet I was suffering from the effects it was having on my allergies! So, that seems to be the way it is with us.....bad timing about everything. That is why I want him to go to a counselor, but he won't hear of it. Pride....that's all it is.
I'm just so down and discouraged b/c sometimes I wonder if I have any feelings left for him. The kind of love a wife should have for her husband. That is when it gets dangerous and I feel very weak about the OM. I feel very empty and lonely. I guess I don't feel like doing the CHRISTIAN thing today, Cemar. But, I could use some Christian thing done for me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
