She called me this morning. Emotional but strong. I must tell the kids tonight and I will take the kids down tomorrow. I am unsure about the funeral - this is so awkward.
I feel rotten. I loved my MIL and I should be by my W's side during this. Instead .....
Then why not use your intuition when you see her at the funeral and if it tells you to 'stand by her and be supportive' because she is giving off an 'I need your support' (not a 'I need ANYONES support') vibration then give the love and support to your children's mother, who has lost _her_ mother.
Sometimes just a hug, or touching her on the shoulder perhaps while saying something about her mother that you loved, that's support.
Remember that it's not 'being sorry for your loss' that helps us through this period. It's "I'm so glad I had the privilege to know her because.... and she'll always live on in our memories because..." and finally "I loved her, and I've missed her for a while".
She won't reach out to you, she's afraid to. Yet we've seen her try sometimes and then back off. This isn't about 'reconciliation', it's about unconditional love.
There are a few facts you can NEVER escape:
- Your XW is your childrens mother. Whenever you see her in emotional need, anything you do to be a support (as in 'what would Jesus do?') benefits your children.
- Nobody in the whole world knows her better than you. Nobody. Because of that, others may 'see her in need' and not know what to do. YOU will know what to do if you see that she is not getting the support she needs from her family. And if she IS getting the support she needs, you'll be satisfied and give them the space they need to mourn.
- You came here and educated yourself about relationships, real unconditional love and the differences between men and women. By doing that you made a commitment to being 'The Superior Man', the one who stands above pettiness and anger, and no matter what, gives love and support with no expectation of anything in return.
- Your MIL didn't divorce you. I believe that she never lost her feelings for you, how could she? You were TAKEN from her. Now, she'll only see you in death. Will you show her your strength, the new strength you've learned? Will you let YOUR love show through to honor her?
-- Why can't you escape these facts? Because you are aware of them. Most people who divorce are not. They're just angry and bitter.
You can't escape who you really are. While your MIL's passing was not something you wished for, it is an opportunity to step up and once again be the man you are meant to be. I would dare to say that MIL would expect that of you, wouldn't she? I'm positive that she loved you as much as you loved her.
Remember what we all know about divorce. It hurts EVERYONE. Including the IN-Laws who formed a bond. Think about that. She didn't want you to be cut out of her life. she had no choice and it's worse than being the kids of a divorce because she had no 'required' visitation. She lost all of it.
