WAW hasn't walked yet, but emotionally dead

[mako]

Thanks so much for the support sad2be and Just_me. At least gives me some confidence that through this tough time I'm trying to do the right thing.

I am really working on understanding W's needs, her fears about staying with me, and what she's been going through for a long time. So your comments really hit home that maybe it looks like I'm doing an ok job. It really saddens me that she has felt this way for so long...I do know if somehow we ever do get back together I will do all I can to never let it happen again. Too bad it took something like this to wake me up. All this time I feel like she never felt that I understood, so that's what I'm trying to do now, just be understanding, just try to be a friend to her.

We had a big talk last night. She decided she is going to move out with her brother who lives nearby. Just too hard for her staying in our home, and she feels it's too hard on me too having her there. She's probably right, but I liked having her there, just cause I like having her around, plus it's easier for her to see my progress. This set off a long talk about things again...it wasn't that productive really, a lot of going around in circles, but I felt it was good to get everything out, and she said the same. We weren't mean or angry, it was just very emotional. At the end I ended up crying a lot as she tried to comfort me, I just couldn't stop, I guess it all just hit me again. I know this isn't quite according to the book, but I just couldn't help it.

I do note that maybe crying and being emotional isn't the worst thing in my sitch, since one of her big beefs is my lack of emotion and lack of sharing my feelings. This is actually one of the largest 180s I could do. W is certainly seeing my feelings now, and that I can be emotional about things. She even said she's never seen me cry like the past couple days (I never do) and it just made her stomach churn.

Anyway, after this I drove to my parents' house, I had planned to come here to visit anyway for a couple days and after that talk it was just hard to stay home. W e-mailed me saying she was sorry about some of the hurtful things she said the past couple days, how sad it was when she went into our bedroom, how horrible this all makes her feel, and how horrible she knows I must feel and she wishes she could take away my pain. (there is one thing that could take away my pain--come back and give it another try but i know that won't happen anytime soon if ever). She also said I should give her a call whenever I feel up to it.

So, she is leaving the house soon I guess (her brother is int he process of moving too and they need to find a place). But our relationship is actually sort of better than it's been in a good while. Maybe too late, but we are actually talking a lot and connecting more, I feel. I've let her know that she never needs to shut me out again, that if she wants to talk about anything I am here and will be kind and try to understand. She seemed responsive to this. So, I just gotta have patience and let her try to work on herself to figure things out. It is clear to me that she cares about me a lot, but whether that will ultimately come back to the surface and drown out her negativity I can't say. In the meantime, I will try to do good for me and just try to be as happy as I can, but still be open to her if she wants to talk. But as everyone here knows, man is it hard...