You will find different approaches as you look around. It is something to struggle with....which way is right. And not every situation is the same and you need to modify your approach based on which things are working.
I would say, based on what you wrote before, that she isn't in a place where she wants to hear about how much you want to save the marriage. I base this on the fact that she doesn't contact you and even when she was in the same town she didn't bother to come see you. Does that sound like someone that is interested in the relationship?
Trips down memory lane don't really seem to work. Yes, there was a time when you both were happy and wanted to get married. By now, she'll probably say that you've grown apart, it was an illusion, or she was confused about what love is. She'll have re-written history to the point she'll be under the impression that it was never love. If many people are reading this..raise your hand if you've heard that it wasn't even love to start with or that the marriage was a mistake for x,y, or z reasons.
It's okay to say that you don't want the marriage to end. It's okay to say that things would be different. IF you haven't said so before. She should hear at least once that you don't want to give up. After that, it just pushes her away.
You definitely should tell her that your paying off bills with the money in the joint account, you intend to close it once your all set up in the new account, and would appreciate it if she didn't use it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Form a woman's opinion I think it is fair what she is asking for and you should show her that you can do it by your self. The important thing is that you show her that you are sad because she is gone and not because you won't have no more help from her. Give her some space, if she loves you she will realize what she is doing. Some women just need more time than others. I hope this was helpfull I am going thru the same situation with my husband. Good Luck!
Thanks Brit. I will leave out the setting your free part. However I am confused. I have been reading some eBooks and one said to do this" write her a letter and mail it to her, start with Hello, how are you doing? Then begin with "What would it take to get us back together"? It said that it is important for 2 reasons. First, I need this information so that I can begin to work on making those changes. Second, it establishes that I want the relationship to continue.
Do you really believe that your W thinks you don't want the M to continue? I'm sure you don't need to tell her that. She's in no state right now to listen to any of that stuff - As far as she's concerned, your M is over and she don't want to hear anything about it.
Originally Posted By: mwel
This is telling me to do everything that you guys say not to do..
Yep - We're telling you not to do it because many of us have done it, and paid the price.
Originally Posted By: mwel
Also, we split up the finances and she has her own accounts and I have opened mine. I am currently not set up for online banking yet so I left money in our joint acct so that I can pay rent and other bills.. Well I see that she has been spending money from that acct. I am going to ask her why she is doing this and let her know why I left money in that acct.
Don't you have a check book with your own account? Not sure what is precluding you from paying bills because you don't have online access. It's vital that you protect yourself financially, because your W otherwise may just yank the rug from under you.
mwel, It's okay to say that you don't want the marriage to end. It's okay to say that things would be different. IF you haven't said so before. She should hear at least once that you don't want to give up. After that, it just pushes her away.
Is what I have above, the part about making her happy and signing the papers doing that or should I say something else along with it?
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
You definitely should tell her that your paying off bills with the money in the joint account, you intend to close it once your all set up in the new account, and would appreciate it if she didn't use it.
I did, I sent her an email asking her not to use that acct and if she was going to put money back in it.
Brit, No, I do not use checks and therefor I do not have a check book. I am waiting to pay this months rent from our joint acct and then from there on, Im going to pay from my acct.
okay so I have been pondering this for a while...I am thinking about telling my W that I have been a member of site after we have our talk. Do you think that is a bad idea? I see it this way, after our talk we are over so it doesnt really matter right?
Reading this stuff will more than ever convince her that you are hanging desperately on to her. She'll think it's a good idea to put you out of your misery.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
In addition, she may come to this site, find your thread and your posts -- do you think this would be a good thing or not? If anything, my thoughts are that she would see all of your hard work her as desparation and manipulation (in a negative way) of her feelings. She would see your attempts at change, 180s, etc, as artificial, and therefore have a less likely chance at seeing your changes as genuine at ANY point in the future. Sure, we all see our efforts and desire to be here as proof of our committment and undying love for our W/H, but they probably wouldn't see it the same way.
JM makes an excellent point too. Please consider the potential damage you could do by telling her.
okay so I have been pondering this for a while...I am thinking about telling my W that I have been a member of site after we have our talk. Do you think that is a bad idea? I see it this way, after our talk we are over so it doesnt really matter right?
Who said you are over after you talk? Don't set an expectation, either that something positive will happen, or that it's the end of everything.
She probably couldn't care less if you are spending time here, or if you go out and buy a bookstore full of self-help books related to relationships or marriage.
Follow the DB rules - They work. I can post the list again if you like.
Reading this stuff will more than ever convince her that you are hanging desperately on to her. She'll think it's a good idea to put you out of your misery. Me
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
In addition, she may come to this site, find your thread and your posts -- do you think this would be a good thing or not? If anything, my thoughts are that she would see all of your hard work her as desparation and manipulation (in a negative way) of her feelings. She would see your attempts at change, 180s, etc, as artificial, and therefore have a less likely chance at seeing your changes as genuine at ANY point in the future. Sure, we all see our efforts and desire to be here as proof of our committment and undying love for our W/H, but they probably wouldn't see it the same way.
JM makes an excellent point too. Please consider the potential damage you could do by telling her. GD
I agree with both of you. Sharing this information is a very bad idea and I dont know why I even thought about it. Maybe I'm just starting to realize that my M and my R with my W is over and maybe I just need to concentrate on me right now and make me happy.
Originally Posted By: BritInOH
Who said you are over after you talk? Don't set an expectation, either that something positive will happen, or that it's the end of everything.
She probably couldn't care less if you are spending time here, or if you go out and buy a bookstore full of self-help books related to relationships or marriage.
Follow the DB rules - They work. I can post the list again if you like.
She will say it is over after our talk and that is basically what I am telling her, am I not? Im not trying to set an expectation, either positive or negative. I think I am realizing that she wants the D and there is nothing I can do to stop that. I know that she could care less if I was on here or not.
She will say it is over after our talk and that is basically what I am telling her, am I not? Im not trying to set an expectation, either positive or negative. I think I am realizing that she wants the D and there is nothing I can do to stop that. I know that she could care less if I was on here or not.
You obviously don't want a D, and don't want it to be over, so why would you tell her that? Doesn't make any sense. If you read DB you'll remember that there is not a whole lot of certainty in what they say - Many of us have WAWs who change their needs from one day to the next. Last Friday my W told me that she never wanted anything to do with me, that she hated me and told me 'f-you'. Monday she told me that she loved me, she was proud of me for everything I had done recently and that I was a great father to our D. Just because it's wounded, you don't have to be the person to shoot it in the head.
Saying "I know you want the D..." sounds like a doormat. Tell her you need some time to adjust, you need some time to prepare and get yourself ready for the D. Don't encourage it, but don't stall it.
