After intercepting an email, I found out she was at my house while I was at work the other day. I don't want that whore (pardon me) at my house and he knows it, so he sneaks her there when he is off and I'm at work.
I would like to know if it is a good idea to speak to her H. I know him slightly. I know he has a bad temper and does not treat her very well, but that's not my problem. The thing is, I don't really want him to lose his temper and kick her out. It is in my best interest to have her stay with him which she will on her own because of the money.
I wish my H would see that if she really loved him she would leave her H and go with him, that the money matters more than him. As it is, she will never leave all those greenbacks. I wish I could make him see how shallow she really is, that she is with him to boost her self esteem by feeling attractive again. My H is a handsome and charming (when he wants to be) man. Hers is not. He thinks she is deep and reads the books she says to read because they "struck a chord in her". He believes he and she know each other deeply and that they are soulmates. I wish I could change that.
I sent him a card for the holiday and he emailed me back to say thank-you, so that's progress. I'm sure the OW got him something better. I will continue working on myself, but it's hard to act happy when you're miserable. I know this will change and I will really start feeling happier in time, but right now it's very difficult. On the plus side, I feel now that if he can go away for a dirty weekend with OW, then I can go away for a fun weekend to Vegas or somewhere and not have to explain where, why etc. I applied for my passport.
North, I would be furious if my H was sneaking OW into my house!! I questioned him about that at great length. I know she was here from time to time, but he swears he never slept with her here. He thought I was nuts for even thinking it.
I would definitely state in no uncertain terms that she is not to be in your house. Set some boundaries. I don't know how you enforce that other than giving him an ultimatum of some sort.
I don't know if I would contact her H. This subject has been brought up before on this board. Do you really think it would do any good? Think about what would happen if you did (I'm sure you are). Would it help your sitch? In my case, it would not so I have not really thought about doing that.
The best thing I have done to show my H that OW was not for him was to use DBing techniques. I have been consistent in my efforts to show my H that I love him, but yet have not pursued, have controlled my anger, etc.
What has helped me is that he never left home. Because of that, and the fact that I wanted to work on our R, OW has become desperate. She is the one who is pursuing, getting angry, etc and that is burning off his fog!
If he is still at home, then I say he is still very foggy. The best thing you can do is DB. But I think it's equally important to show him that you still care. Do you get to spend any time together?
He has not left home because he has nowhere to go. He can't go to her because she will not leave her H. His son lives with us and if he leaves here, the boy will have to go back to his mother. He is away 4 days a week and when he is home we spend time together working on a large project we have going on here, but sometimes when he is home, I am working. H knows that I don't want her here....ever. When he comes home, I am pleasant, have dinner ready and let him take the lead when working this project. I only know she is here because I sometimes see his emails and find out what they are planning. He still insists that they are just friends and that she is very important to him in that way. I really don't want to go to her H because he has a bad temper and will throw her out, which is not good for me because then maybe my H will think of leaving to live with her. As long as she and her H are together, my H will stay here. As he works out of town, I can only effectively work DB with him here. I think her H probably knows what's going on, but maybe he doesn't care. He may be having an A of his own. They are both kind of nasty people.
H seems a little foggy lately and is getting foggier. Sometimes he looks a little confused when he is home and I hug him or make his favorite meal. I sent him a card and he thanked me, which is some progress anyway. When he is home, he won't even phone OW, because he knows it's a good way to irritate me and he seems to want me non-bitchy when he is around. Sometimes it takes all I've got not to rant about her, but I never mention her name and he only does rarely. The problem is when he is at work and phones and emails her. At home he only uses the computer for 5 minutes at night to get her "good nite i love you" message.
I have been feeling a little happier lately. I have also been doing things for me, such as applying for a passport so I can run away for a weekend with a friend, so I am excited.
Me 48 H 38 M 9 y T 11 y Still living together Still insists they are just friends
Have just signed up for My Space. Found my H on there. He has listed himself as a swinger looking for dates and serious relationships. Now I am depressed. The good news is that he hasn't signed since Aug. How do I handle this inside myself?
You mean, as me? Or should I disguise myself? I think he would accuse me of snooping. Wonder how he would explain the "swinger" status. What a way to find out I'm in a swinger marriage. Jerk!
The textbook answer we are all supposed to give you is:
1. Stop snooping (it only hurts you) 2. Stop chasing/pressuring him. 3. Get a life. This doesn't mean "act all happy" for him. It means do things for yourself. Have fun. Live a little. Take up new hobbies. This will make you self-confident and attractive. 4. Detach a little. Don't be little Miss Susie Homemaker for him. Be kind, but not too attentive. If he feels that you are not always hovering and there for him, it'll get him to think.
The above prescription is the best shot you have at saving yourself and, possibly saving you marriage. Take care of youself and you might attract him back.
On the other hand, what I just wrote is very hard to do when you feel like you are losing your husband. All you want to do now is cry and scream. This is really tough.
And, I must admit, it's not that easy to "get a life" as we all preach at each other. Sometimes you are just worn thin.
My general thoughts are that if you are too empty and emotionally exhausted to try the Divorce Busting prescription above, then I suggest you lay some strong boundaries and then let the chips fall where they may. Setting boundaries shows him you are not afraid to lose him. And if that's all you can convey to him, then you have accomplished alot. They can smell our fear and it gives them all the power. Getting rid of the fear shifts the balance of power in your favor. It might even seem attractive.
Here are some positives in your situation:
1. You have time. Time is on your side. Your husband is not going anywhere soon. The OW won't leave her husband. So think and come up with a plan.
2. The OW is a psycho wench. She'll show her true colors eventually.
