new here. Feel like dying

[NikB]

Hi msladybug,

I'm sorry you're here, but you're in the right place. I've been at this for over a year now, but I remember that intense pain.

First things first: you have to find ways to stop the pain and begin taking care of yourself. We all know this pain, and you can and will get through it.

I agree that your H would have moved out anyway. You made it a little easier on him by asking him to, but please don't beat yourself up for it. And on that same topic - ALL of us made mistakes in our marriages and all of us regret those. Sometimes it takes a really major shake up like this to wake us up and make us see it. It's frustrating because I wish the person wanting out would express things in a way that we "get it" LONG before it got this bad... I know we all wish that. But, he didn't, and now you're scrambling trying to fix everything in a day. I know the feeling.

You are BOTH responsible for where you are. Don't take it all on yourself. Yes, you're the one who wants to fix it at the moment and that's ok - but don't blame yourself for everything.

Stop scrambling, and be still for awhile. Time and patience are your friends.

As for your H - I completely agree, just leave him alone for awhile. He needs time to cool off first of all, and to think second of all. Don't call, don't email, don't pressure him. If anything comes up where you absolutely need to contact him (i.e. bills, kid related matters) - sounds like you're best off to email rather than call, but keep it 100% business like.

Also one question I have is DO you respect him?? Because if you don't, well, it would be a little tough to show you do. If you do and you just weren't showing it, that's a different story, and I'm glad you are taking steps to figure out how to improve in that area. If you don't - why not? Has he done things that have made you disrespect him?

And that's all I'm going to say about your H for now, because it is truly time to take care of YOURSELF. Let go of what you can't control.

You don't need to answer any of this here unless you want to, but I'm giving you a little "homework" assignment. Get out a piece of paper and start writing down the answers to the following (all of them in the context of YOU alone, not in context of your H)...

- What things do you enjoy doing?
- What makes you happy? (be specific... walking through the park? Playing w/the kids?...)
- Any hobbies you've let go by the wayside?
- What have you done lately to take care of yourself?
- What "girlie" things do you enjoy? (manicure/pedicure? flowers? wearing pretty lingerie?..)
- What have you been putting off that you've always wanted to do, try, see, learn?
- Who do you enjoy spending time with? (besides your H)
- Any friends you've lost touch with? Now's a good time to reconnect.
- Anything you've been putting off that maybe isn't "fun" exactly but would give you a sense of accomplishment? (i.e. organizing the file cabinet, scrubbing the kitchen til it shines..).

Now... once you've done that, you'll have a good list of things to keep your mind off the bad, and shift the focus to the good. Start doing those things. It will be hard at first, it will feel "fake" at first, but do it anyway. Let yourself enjoy it, let yourself feel good.

That's the first step to getting through this.

Also - I see that you're in "Central CA" - I'm in Cali also! I'm near Sacramento. There are a few of us actually. We're planning a little get together in December. Here's a link with more info:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1250527#Post1250527

I know it sounds scary but I hope you'll consider joining us! I've been on a trip to meet fellow DBers and it was one of the best things I've done during this whole sitch. Was it scary? Driving 10 hours to meet 3 other ladies who I rented a house with and had never actually met.. well, yeah, there were some butterflies. But we were all comfortable almost immediately and we had such a great time. It's good to be around people who truly understand what you're going through.

If you ever want to "talk" offline feel free to email me. I'm at nikkib @ surewest.net (take out the spaces). Heck I enjoy road trips... if you're somewhat nearby maybe we could get together and commiserate (or have fun and ignore our sitches entirely) sometime. No pressure, just throwing the idea out there.

((((msladybug))) (in case you hadn't seen it before, that's hugs for you, msladybug).

You'll be ok. Really, you will.