All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

I got the cards today. Blank inside on both, but the birthday card has a pictute of hot air balloons flying over the french alps. He loves the alps, loves snow, loves skiing and likes to be free....

The anniversary card is a black & white picture of a small girl and boy his arm is around her and the words say 'to the world you may be just one person; but to one person you may be the world', not too mushy but I think it sums up what I want to say, without adding too much?

I had a lovely body massage last night, but it made me go over things in my head later and I didn't sleep that well. I had sent H a text thanking him for taking boys and D2 to the cinema earlier in the evening, that they had been looking forward to it all week and that he was a brilliant dad. I had a reply from him which said i was a fab mom and he always wanted to be part of the d's lifes that he loved them but he did feel differently towards them than he did towards our boys, he was sorry, he couldn't explain it.

I texted back and said he mustn't beat himself up about it, it was normal, his blood is in the boys the bond is bound to be deeper and stronger. I said the girls loved him very much and we have always appreciated his love and support and that they were a credit to us both and that I couldn't have done it without him, that we have the same values etc.

He said he was very proud of them and glad they were his step daughters and he would always try and include them in things he did. I don't know what he is trying to say, I hope they are not the main reason for our seperation. It sounds like he is looking into the future and the girls and I are not part of it. I know he feels he has been taken advantage of by my xh, but why should i be penalised????

As far as xmas is concerned, it would be easier for mom to host xmas at hers because if she comes to mine she would probably run into H and she is having a hard time accepting his behaviour and him leaving home. If I had my way it would be to just spend xmas day in my own home with the kids and as you say Cat, let H decide when and what he does, however D2 wants to spend the morning at home and then go to her nans for a late lunch. I am reluctant to do this, because i'm wishing that H would like to stay for a nice family dinner WITHOUT my family there to spoil it for him. I know he would want that. But going to my mom's has it's advantages:

a) boys can go with their dad on boxing day
b)mom & brother are very critical, so it would be better for me to control the time of the visit and leave after a late dinner
c)I don't have to think about the cooking (not to much a problem if just us)

Cat - I did tell mom that I am hoping H will come back with time and space, but you are right I think she needs a gentle reminder that I need her to be more postive at this time. If we do get back together, her behaviour will backfire and be harder for her in teh long run. She was a great support when I left my XH, she never liked him anyway, but was very negative when my brother & sil split up 2 years ago and she is been like that now. I find her to be a bit draining and I hate to say it, but atm I don't like her company. I know she loves and supports me in her way.

Sorry this is long, need to journal today.

Wishing you a peaceful weekend. Thanks for reading.

XD