Well, it's a touchy subject. We had a big 'discussion' tonight. I'm really not sure where things are going - I'm losing hope. It's like she wants to go on with everyday life, as if nothing has happened. Like I should not question her, or need re-assurance of her intentions. It is apparent that changing jobs is going to be an issue. Unless she would happen to find/fall into a great job, there will be resentment. I'm not sure what to do with that. She is frustrated, because she feels like I want her basically locked in the house now. All I'm asking for is some accountability - and it isn't like I've been harping on it, or questioning her constantly. Yet, it seems the 6+ months of constant lies and denial, meanwhile letting me bend over backwards trying to make things better, is not grounds for skepticism. How am I supposed to trust again? I REALLY want to, but I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what will help restore it. Especially, if I'm not getting (whatever) postitive feedback that I am looking for (and honestly, I don't even know what that positive feedback would be - but I think I'd know it if I saw/felt it). I so bad want things to work, but at times think it would be easier on my heart just to bag it now. But that's just the quitter in me, I guess..
Hi All- Had a second MC session on Wed. It was exhausting, draining, and very emotional for both of us. I left feeling better than I have in a while, but still all over the place. We talked primarily about my trust, lack of trust, etc. Also hit on my 'demands'. MC seemed to think pushing the job change right now might not be the best idea, still not sure I agree. But she really helped bring my W around as far as what is acceptable behavior at this point. So, left feeling ok, I guess. My problem right now, is I believe my W is sorry, regretful, and seems to want to make things work. I am getting hung up on whether the relationship was ever physical. At first, I said it didn't really matter. But now, I can't seem to get past it - mostly because I want a clean slate, everything out there. I asked her again during the session if it was physical, she promised it was not, but some little thing about her response bugged me. Not even sure why. I wish I could just turn off my mind at times. Last night we had a very good night, cuddled on the couch after kids were down, watching a movie. Talked in bed for a while. Asked about christmas presents, what she wanted. She said nothing really material - just that she wanted us to be happier again, and getting past this. That part felt SO good, but then I've got this nagging 'do I know the whole story' in the back of my head... why, Why WHY????..
