I have not been piecing for very long, but I wanted to reiterate some things that others have written because they are true and cannot be said enough for people like me in the early stages of the process:
1) Even when things feel exactly right, expect some backlash. I have been slowly moving forward with my H in the piecing process, with more affection, lovemaking, and shared dreaming working themselves into our lives again. The day before yesterday was like a dream day: lots of phone calls from H, liberal use of my petname by him (a practice practically nonexistent in the "crisis" time except when he accidentally said it by habit), and unsolicited caressing in bed that night. Then, yesterday, a piece of the wall was back.
2) Don't let this backlash make you backslide. My H's shift was not a lot from one day to the next, and pre-crisis, I would not have noticed it, but now it seems obvious. However, don't let it be an obstacle, and don't let it change your objectives. Keep reminding yourself that before that wall was ten feet tall and never came down. Now, it is smaller and comes at more infrequent intervals. Every positive that you can come up with should be magnified.
3) In addition to magnifying the positives, you also need to minimize the "obstacles" or negatoves. If you don't control your thoughts, they will control you. Thought-stopping is key for success. (In my sitch, I believe H had an EA, but he has never admitted that and perhaps never will. I don't know if they still speak because I stopped snooping, a key to my mental health and my ability to effectively DB). Every time I feel depressed, cannot eat, or cannot sleep can be directly linked to uncontrolled thinking about the possibility that H is talking with OW still or again because of his distant behavior. Read a book, watch TV, write in a journal, but stop thinking about it. Once it has control of you, negative thinking will poison your attempts to improve because you won't have the energy or spirit for positive actions to emerge from a place of negativity.
I really appreciate all that I have learned from the more experienced DBers, and I hope that we can all stick to the core and end up writing success stories.
