After five months of W not really talking to me, I am wondering if the ice is starting to melt. There have been several signs of MLC that I have listed in other posts and won't repeat here. I also own plenty of my own faults. But, this week a couple of interesting twists developed to shake up the old pattern of stone cold silence about us (we had previously exchanged brief emails about our dogs and a few other minor things; there were a couple of half hour phone conversations about some emotional stuff this summer, but for the most part she asked for space and I have given it to her in bunches--I moved out in June and have not begged, pleaded, etc.). Now, consider this:
1. Two weeks ago alarm goes off at house. She asks me to check it out, even though she had already done so with the cops. No theft--probably the maid set it off. Now, though, she calls and asks me to take a look too, but she insists on being there. While at the house we have a brief talk about my therapy, and her eyes seem bright and eager for contact. She seems particularly focused on a t-shirt I was wearing; it had the phrase "rewrite your script" on it. She asked if that was what I was doing. Without going into detail, I say it is.
2. On Monday of this week I took the hard step of asking to separate our finances. She's been spending like crazy, and while she has a wealthy family to fall back on if she wants I don't. With no word from her about our future (one way or the other), I felt I had to draw the line. She got a bit defensive at first, but then agreed to a fair plan. But, the kicker is that she then abruptly asked, "So, what is your long range plan?" More important, I feel, was her tone of voice. I detected, or so I think, a note of anxiety. I emphatically replied that my plan was to fight for her, fight for our marriage because I love her and believe in us. That goes against DB principle of detachment (which I'd been pretty good at all along), but it was what I feel. At some level, I feel that I should open my heart in a loving way and if she rejects it that's her choice. One of the issues in our marriage is that she felt I didn't love her enough, or show it enough, so maybe a statement like that is a good 180. Hard to know. Well, after I said that she asks, "So, what went wrong?" We talk for about 20 minutes, and then she says maybe we could have dinner next week and invites me to the house Wednesday for Halloween candy. She ends by saying she misses me. I tell her I miss her.
3. Halloween. I go to the house and we sit on the front steps talking about her recent haircut, her exercise, work, our friends, our dogs, etc. No emotional stuff. It was a fun, flirty conversation, like we were dating. Kids kept coming up for candy, so that kept things from going deeper. That was fine with me. Again, I read her eyes and felt a strong connection. We looked straight at each other several times intently without saying anything. Her eyes were full and open. She gave me something for dinner the next night and once again said she missed me. I said I missed her. She also was careful to add, "You know, tonight doesn't mean anything, right?" I said, "I know."
So, any thoughts on how to go from here? I am well aware that we see what we believe, or want to believe, in many cases, so I'm asking myself if I'm reading these things too optimistically. I read things too pessimistically this summer; there were things I saw at the house that left me convinced she would file for a D any day. She didn't, and hasn't. Has never even said she wants a D or was leaning that way, so I realize now it was more my fears talking.
I don't want to get in her face too much. She seems to be peeking out of the tunnel, and I know full well this roller coaster could take a sharp turn downward any day now. I asked about dinner next week when I was there Wednesday, and she coyly said, "maybe." I think I'll leave that one alone now.
For those who have restored their marriages, or are further along than I am, I'd love some suggestions and insights. Many thanks, and make it a good day.
