The textbook answer we are all supposed to give you is:
1. Stop snooping (it only hurts you) 2. Stop chasing/pressuring him. 3. Get a life. This doesn't mean "act all happy" for him. It means do things for yourself. Have fun. Live a little. Take up new hobbies. This will make you self-confident and attractive. 4. Detach a little. Don't be little Miss Susie Homemaker for him. Be kind, but not too attentive. If he feels that you are not always hovering and there for him, it'll get him to think.
The above prescription is the best shot you have at saving yourself and, possibly saving you marriage. Take care of youself and you might attract him back.
On the other hand, what I just wrote is very hard to do when you feel like you are losing your husband. All you want to do now is cry and scream. This is really tough.
And, I must admit, it's not that easy to "get a life" as we all preach at each other. Sometimes you are just worn thin.
My general thoughts are that if you are too empty and emotionally exhausted to try the Divorce Busting prescription above, then I suggest you lay some strong boundaries and then let the chips fall where they may. Setting boundaries shows him you are not afraid to lose him. And if that's all you can convey to him, then you have accomplished alot. They can smell our fear and it gives them all the power. Getting rid of the fear shifts the balance of power in your favor. It might even seem attractive.
Here are some positives in your situation:
1. You have time. Time is on your side. Your husband is not going anywhere soon. The OW won't leave her husband. So think and come up with a plan.
2. The OW is a psycho wench. She'll show her true colors eventually.
