Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Login,

yes my H is affectionate. Actually more so than me, which is something I need to work on. At times the affection is sort of oddly juxtaposed with other things. Hard to explain but almost makes me feel as if he's insensitive or clueless. A close friend died last week and I gotta admit I was feeling down and still am. Better, but still sad. Not in the mood if you kwim. Not a big deal, and something I can behave differently with as well. So, moving on...

I need to refresh why YOU have the son and an apartment, and she has the daughter and a house...but until I do, I can sure see why you'd feel down. Your family has been cut in half. What is your wife like with your son? Doesn't she feel torn?

Also, letting her face the consequences and "lying in the bed she made", etc., does Not mean you're being vindictive if you do it in a way that is detached. Let the cards fall where they may. If she changes her heart or mind, and lets you know, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. By GAL NOW, you'll be better prepared for whatever happens.

As for the D, and its' cost---as soemone else said here, it depends more on the property and custody issues than just getting the marital status changed. Even uncontested divorces can be costly IF the "REAL" issues and debates are about property division and kids. So it's not the actual D that gets expensive, its' the "little details...."

As for moving your son, what about staying in the same school district? We moved here and d10 is in a school as much like her old one as possible, given the huge difference geographically. As in the demographics/socioeconomics are similar more or less. And so she has blended in well. BUT She still misses California, and so do I.

My job is... odd, guys. I mean, it's going really well in the sense that they want to promote me (I started 8 weeks ago) and I'm already being paid twice what I earned before....you'd think I'd be delighted right? But I don't want to live here so I hate the foggying up of issues by actually being tempted, you know? Plus, h's job is not paying him what he was expecting and was told to expect. It's kind of like they are compensating "us" by paying me more, and I'm the reluctant one. H WANTED to live here and work with these guys. Plus, I'm finding lots of poorly done documenting of things, badly written contracts, incorrectly done filings with the state, etc.....NOT FUN as a L. GIves me a stomach ache, literally. THe good news is, I know it's just a job.

I want to teach/coach actors again, and direct, as I did in LA. It pays off and on, and often now well. But I loved it, it gives me joy. H commented about how lousy the pay was and seemed to poo poo my plan. I really resented that. His choices have cost us a fortune in lost income, the move, the lack of his expectations being fulfilled, etc. Not to mention the "personal" cost. Yeah, so I wanted to slap his face off. I didn't.

I can only imagine what you felt like when your w said she made a mistake moving...."but" .....but what?? What on earth does she tell your son? OMG,how can he not feel horrible? My friend who died last week, suddenly, (seemed healthy as heck and in shape, striking looking, happily married, etc etc ) had 4 kids, including one son. He's 11 and wrote the most touching letter to her about her kindness and what a role model she was for him....she'll be a hard act to follow for any woman who dates the widower, or later on dates when the boy dates. Thing is, her kids KNOW she loved them....she's gone, but they KNOW how important they were to her. I read somewhere that most great mean trace their greatness in large part to genuinely feeling loved by their mothers. I hope your son can feel this way. It's not impossible, and I'm sending prayers to you on that.

Ahh the move and your son....again the move. I have to say, mostly it sucks but YOUR attitude does matter. The whole adventure part of it, like if his room is bigger, better view, closer to the movies, or if he gets a DVD player in the room, or something visibly like ....bribery!! Yep, guess why? Because it works! The renting does sound better to me, IMO, because you and your son will retain the "right" to change your minds, and this way, he'll feel a sense of choice in this matter, even if it's an illusion, and not nearly the issue he wishes he had a choice about. With the housing market nationally, missing out on a few months of equity might well be worth it. Kind of like insurance in case you don't like the area, you'll exit smoothly.
If you do like it, you and your son can decide to buy but take that step more gradually, together even. Spaces out the changes in his life.


Hey, fyi in case I never told you, I have two relatives who divorced and remarried their former spouses. It happens. Both M's had kids, so some contact was always maintained at least on occasion, and both M's were better the 2nd time around. But yeah, the whole divorce went through, they were sad, then "free". As for one sitch, my uncle was at a family function my aunt was also attending. They chatted, and he asked her outright, "are you happier now?" and she said "no" and rather than him gloating, they resumed a friendship, built on it, and remarried. He died years later with his wife and kids at his bedside.

Give it all time, and be open to the possibility of love with someone else. Later. You are not ready and even if you were ready, your son is not. Here is one thing I am sure of and discussed with my t. IF I ever were to date again, I'd be very discreet about it at the start, and I doubt my kids would even know until I knew I'd met someone special. For me, that takes more than 2 dates...After some months, if I believed more likely than not that I could commit to the man, I'd introduce him and the kids would have veto power (assuming they had a reason). my t said if the kids have a reason (as opposed to wanting your ex to come back and pretend all was well, or something you have no control over, or they hate "tall" men, etc.) to reject the New "candidate", cross him off the list b/c it's pretty damn hard to be happy if your kids and new spouse don't connect. Period.

I recall a client telling me she was crazy about her new h and he was a "great guy, except not with the kids, ..." and I interrupted her "How can he be a great guy if he doesn't get along with your kids?" HELLO???? Shockingly, they later divorced...he married a woman without kids.

Your wife sounds as if she gets this, at least. In fact, she sounds so much more rational and innately sane (COMPARED to the other WASs' around here, that is) I do see your sitch as positive in that sense.

She wanted space, give it to her. I just can't grasp the custody deal, or whether it's a consolation prize, Solomon solution or what? Don't the kids miss each other? Are they siblings or from other M's? I can't imagine splitting the kids up, except it's better than not having either, I GUESS....not sure. I mean, what is best for the kids might be having remained in their home, keeping as much as possible the same...why max out the changes and stresses?
I know, I know, NOT your choice...
Their Good grades now is a good thing, but by no means "proof" that their hearts are not broken. Don't get me wrong, good grades and an upbeat attitude beats sullen misery anyday. Just saying this is all new to them as well. Reassure both of them of your love as much as possible. It's one thing you CAN do now that will reap rewards later, and is the right thing to do.

((hugs))
j-