This is getting so crazy! You have got to quit fussing about this "talk". I understand that this is all new, but believe me, this isn't a situation where you have one shot to make a good first impression. It's not a job interview.
How about this...she comes by and you say this......
"I had a whole bunch I wanted to say, but let's scrap that. Because I care for you, I want you to be happy. It's not what I want, but if divorcing me is what it takes for you to be happy, then I won't stand in the way. I would like to be friends if possible. How about we wrap up any of the details about possessions and stuff and then grab some dinner or something."
How's that? Not fulfilling for you? Either will trying to learn the details of affairs.
Btw, do what you want in terms of your rings. I'd suggest wearing them.
Me
ME, I was actually going to put something like that at the end of my letter. I say letter because I will get sometimes when Im nervous I forget things so that is why I am wriring them down. I will continue wearing my ring. Im not trying to learn about the affair, I just want to let her know that she has been lieing to me from the beginning and that I always knew but I love her so much that I forgave her. I was planning on asking her if she would like to go to dinner.
Why do you have to let her know that you're aware she has been lying to you from the beginning and that you forgave her? Do you envision that she'll say, "oh mwel, now I see how great you are. Let's stay together!" No good will come of having that discussion. It is for your benefit alone. If you are done trying to save your marriage, then have the talk. Otherwise, leave it alone.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Why do you have to let her know that you're aware she has been lying to you from the beginning and that you forgave her? Do you envision that she'll say, "oh mwel, now I see how great you are. Let's stay together!" No good will come of having that discussion. It is for your benefit alone. If you are done trying to save your marriage, then have the talk. Otherwise, leave it alone.
Isnt that why we are here, to save your marriage? I dont know what I am envisioning her to say. She is hurt and I want her to know that she hurt me also. It is for my own benefit, in DBers it says if I desire to ask about the affair then I should ask. Im going to comment that I would like to save the marriage in our talk but at the end I will let her know that I will not stand in the way of her happiness...
Isnt that why we are here, to save your marriage? I dont know what I am envisioning her to say. She is hurt and I want her to know that she hurt me also. It is for my own benefit, in DBers it says if I desire to ask about the affair then I should ask. Im going to comment that I would like to save the marriage in our talk but at the end I will let her know that I will not stand in the way of her happiness...
More than likely your W won't care about hurting you right now - She'll see that as being selfish and that you are only concerned about your own feelings - Which you are, of course.
There's a time and a place to ask about the specifics of an A - Usually a therapist's office is the best place, if you're both ready for it. If you bring up the A, or thoughts about how she has hurt you, she WILL get angry, she WILL withdraw and you won't have done anything to save your marriage.
So, do you want to save your marriage? If you do what you say you're going to do, that's not going to get you what you want. I speak from experience - You won't get what you're trying for by doing all of this.
I agree with Me you need to take the focus off of these A's that she has had. You need to look at this with a fresh mind. The beginners mind and realize that the R you had is over and you need to start anew if this is going to work out for the two of you.
here is what I have so far....it all kinda jumbled because Im kinda scatter brain right now. I would work on one part and then something would pop into my head and then I would work on another part... I am finished with it not even close.
After reading everyones posts I know that nearly everything I have would need to be taken out.
-------begining Do you remember when we first meet? The feeling that you had? Do you remember our date, our first kiss? The first time I had dinner at your house and I meet your parents? The first time we had sex on the couch in the bonus room? We were so nervous that your dad was going to come from work and catch us. Remember talking on the phone for hours into the night? Remember the first time you told me you loved me and I loved you? Remember the vacation to the beach and the fun times we had? I was so scared we were going to get caught when we had sex in front of your mom and dad. Remember going putt-putting and your sister saved my gum wrapper? Remember your mom tried to make me a cherry pie for my birthday? Remember making Christmas cookies with your mom and sister? Remember my horrible icing job on my snowman? I remember when you moved to BG and the loneliness I felt, although sometimes I know you felt like giving up but we made it work, though couple times we were apart. Remember the break ups and how you felt? Remember getting back together and the feeling you had? Remember our wedding day? All of the excitement and butterflies? I remember when I first saw you coming down the aisle, I thought I was gonna cry. Then your mom and I caught eyes and she mouthed the words “I love you and she was so proud of us”. It felt like it took you forever to get down the aisle. Standing at the alter you dad says to me “You take good care of her” and I agreed. I also agreed till death due us part. You asked me to not to get drunk at our reception and I somewhat didn’t, but I had enough where I was unable to drive and I know you were upset. I had the plan of carrying you through the hotel door; I wanted to start it off right and start it off good. Remember our honeymoon? All of the fun we had, the walk on the beach in San Juan. Remember me losing my sunglasses the first day we were there? Remember staring at the boat? I remember looking over at you staring at the boat. You looked so excited. I wish we could do that again cause their were some things I would have done differently. I remember like it was yesterday. It’s funny the things you think about when something is going bad. It’s like when you are happy and nothing can stop you but when you’re sad it’s like nothing can pick you up. It’s funny when the end is near why we think about the beginning. We had great times and memories, but with those good times came bad times. The times I hurt you, made you sad and made you cry. The times that I didn’t share my feelings with you. My counselor said that it’s not that I didn’t want to share my feeling it’s because I don’t know how. She said that since I grew up in a family where no one talked about things, I have learned to hold them in and I know that hurt you. That is one of the things that I am working on right now.
----------middle some where You know that I’ve always said that I will never be with a cheater. Then why did I marry one? I have always known what you did before we got married. Maybe I didn’t give you enough attention, maybe I didn’t tell you how attractive you were, maybe I didn’t satisfy you, maybe you were lonely, maybe I wasn’t there, maybe you never meant for it happen. Although no marriage or relationship is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy; they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage. Was open communication the problem? What ever the reason was, I am willing to work that out. I have forgiven you once and I’m sure I can do it again. Every marriage/relationship has issues. But when one of the people can't let go of the hurts they have had, it poisons the whole thing. Deep down in my heart I know that you can be happy with me again. I know you are in a strange place in your life right now and I wish I could understand. I wish there was another way besides divorce, wish we can sit down together and negotiate and accept that change is possible. I’m not trying to rebuild the relationship or our marriage because it is dead, instead I would like to start over fresh. A new marriage = A new beginning = new life = new adventures ≠ same old husband and wife. -------middle somewhere What type of things do you need to feel loved? Are they things that a long distance relationship can’t provide? ------near the end I’m not the same, I have grown, I have changed, and I am going continue to change. I’m not the same person even though the old ugly Matt pops his head up but I am working on that. I have a new feel for life and I wish you were here to see it, because I really want is to share it with you as my wife. I know you do not care and I know you do not want to be here to share it with me. I just thought that you would like to know what has been going on with me lately. ------ending I’m still working on getting to the place where you are right now. I’m going to need some time to digest all of this. I’ve though it over. You know this isn’t what I want, but I want you to be happy even if it is without me, so I’ll sign the papers. I’m sorry that things came to this and I wish it could have been different. I am not going to say that I will always love you because I don’t know if I will after what has happened. I would still love to be your friend though, someone you can call if you need anything. Right now I love you and I know that I must set my love free. There is a saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back then it was meant to be.
I agree with Me you need to take the focus off of these A's that she has had. You need to look at this with a fresh mind. The beginners mind and realize that the R you had is over and you need to start anew if this is going to work out for the two of you.
Are you ready to move past the A's?
Yes, well at least I think I am ready to move past them. I mean I did before I know that I can do it again.
Your right a fresh mind...how do I start out with a fresh mind when I dont want my marriage to end???
after what everyone is saying I think that I am just going to tell her this...
I’m still working on getting to the place where you are right now. I’m going to need some time to digest all of this. I’ve though it over. You know this isn’t what I want, but I want you to be happy even if it is without me, so I’ll sign the papers. I’m sorry that things came to this and I wish it could have been different. I am not going to say that I will always love you because I don’t know if I will after what has happened. I would still love to be your friend though, someone you can call if you need anything. Right now I love you and I know that I must set my love free. There is a saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back then it was meant to be.
What else should I add to signify a fresh new beginning??
after what everyone is saying I think that I am just going to tell her this...
I’m still working on getting to the place where you are right now. I’m going to need some time to digest all of this. I’ve though it over. You know this isn’t what I want, but I want you to be happy even if it is without me, so I’ll sign the papers. I’m sorry that things came to this and I wish it could have been different.
This part is good.
Originally Posted By: mwel
I am not going to say that I will always love you because I don’t know if I will after what has happened. I would still love to be your friend though, someone you can call if you need anything. Right now I love you and I know that I must set my love free. There is a saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back then it was meant to be.
This part is fluff - I'd leave it out. Whenever someone says "I'm not going to say..." it sounds like you're trying to guilt someone into doing or thinking something. And as for the last part, she's probably just going to tell you that she isn't your's to set free.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've DONE a lot of this stuff before I found DB, and it burned me REALLY badly. You can certainly go for it and see what happens, but I don't think many people would recommend it.
after what everyone is saying I think that I am just going to tell her this...
I’m still working on getting to the place where you are right now. I’m going to need some time to digest all of this. I’ve though it over. You know this isn’t what I want, but I want you to be happy even if it is without me, so I’ll sign the papers. I’m sorry that things came to this and I wish it could have been different.
This part is good.
Originally Posted By: mwel
I am not going to say that I will always love you because I don’t know if I will after what has happened. I would still love to be your friend though, someone you can call if you need anything. Right now I love you and I know that I must set my love free. There is a saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back then it was meant to be.
This part is fluff - I'd leave it out. Whenever someone says "I'm not going to say..." it sounds like you're trying to guilt someone into doing or thinking something. And as for the last part, she's probably just going to tell you that she isn't your's to set free.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've DONE a lot of this stuff before I found DB, and it burned me REALLY badly. You can certainly go for it and see what happens, but I don't think many people would recommend it.
Thanks Brit. I will leave out the setting your free part. However I am confused. I have been reading some eBooks and one said to do this" write her a letter and mail it to her, start with Hello, how are you doing? Then begin with "What would it take to get us back together"? It said that it is important for 2 reasons. First, I need this information so that I can begin to work on making those changes. Second, it establishes that I want the relationship to continue. This helps my W realize that the relationship is important to me and something that I value. It then says that often the spouse needs to hear that I treasure the relationship. Then later is states, Opt to change yourself to become the person you should be. Your spouse is clearly giving you the signal that things must change. This information was found under 2 stages. Stage 6: Your spouse has left, No legal proceedings, No communication and stage 8: Your spouse has left and has started legal proceedings, No communication.
This is telling me to do everything that you guys say not to do..
Also, we split up the finances and she has her own accounts and I have opened mine. I am currently not set up for online banking yet so I left money in our joint acct so that I can pay rent and other bills.. Well I see that she has been spending money from that acct. I am going to ask her why she is doing this and let her know why I left money in that acct.
You have got to quit fussing about this "talk". I understand that this is all new, but believe me, this isn't a situation where you have one shot to make a good first impression. It's not a job interview.