I Belong Over Here

[Miss IC]

Hey Girl,

I'm sorry I have not got over here sooner. I've been tied up in a discussion over on SSM with Corri about Mr. IC. She's the best ! I have to agree with her on your situation with the AD's. Don't mess around with things like that, especially with you just coming off of the surgery and all the emotions you must be going through.

I can't talk long as I'm already going to be late for work. I've read some of your convos with IC and it's ok with me if you want to smack him around a little

[RedHeadWife]

Just wanted to share this w/ you guys. I think we can all learn from this story, sad, but true. This is an email I sent to H today:

Hey, Babe. I'm so glad you got "home" safely. Now I'm just waiting for you to get here safely and then, most of all, home for good in May safely. I really miss you so much.



I want to share something with you. The reasons for me wanting to share this with you are numerous. One reason would be that I don't ever want us to be like this. I am so glad that we have gotten our "act" together as far as our marriage goes and I am so thankful we've been given a second chance or, better yet, that you decided to give us and me a second chance. Another reason would be, I guess, for some insight on maybe why I was the way I was. You've been around mom enough to put 2 & 2 together, however, this explains a lot more. I am never going to blame my actions on how I was brought up, I feel that's a cop out, however, the way we are brought up does have a lot to do w/ our actions and how we deal w/ certain situations.



Since mom's been over here so much and dad has too, I have made a few comments to mom about dad and the way he acts, etc. She actually opened up to me and was crying this a.m. Seems when he gets so angry at other drivers and gets up on their ass and acts the way he does, it scares the crap out of her. She's so very different than I am in that she never says anything to dad for fear of his anger and thus the silent treatment.

I had absolutely no idea how very unhappy she is/has been in their marriage. I guess he never tells her he loves her and never kisses her. You probably know she's not the type to "do" anything about it. She even referred to herself as a "prude" which is a strong word, but . . . That's what I was brought up w/ -- thinking that any type of sexuality from a woman was slutty or something, you know what I mean.

So, in essence, she never, never had the confidence (which I actually had to force myself to do after awhile in our marriage) to actually initiate or anything or do anything probably out of the "ordinary" in the bedroom, whatever ordinary is, but you get the idea.

So, now, she's been in this marriage for what 40 years? and she said she actually reads her books about "true love" and wonders what that really is. There was NEVER any communication about ANYTHING dealing w/ emotions, feelings or anything in their marriage so they have both obviously silently suffered all these years w/ no true "closeness" or intimacy, etc.



Now, of course, she goes over & over in her mind what she could have done differently and didn't and has so many regrets I think. But now it's to the point that she doesn't feel she can do anything to change anything and, like I said, no matter what she said or did, dad would probably just get defensive & angry, thus the vicious cycle they've made for each other.



Like I said, I don't ever want us to be like this. I know we probably came close a few times to acting like this, but not to this extreme I don't think and, thankfully, we still have lots & lots of time to change things and have a wonderful marriage for many years to come. When you get home, I just want us to remember that we need to put US first and make sure that we continue to communicate w/ one another. I want us to be best friends and lovers and talk about everything. I think a lot of times, our spouse gets taken for granted because that person is there 24/7 and it becomes almost "expected" that they will be there. I don't want it to be like that for us. I am so thankful that the Lord brought you and I, specifically, together and don't ever want to take that for granted.



I love you, Babe, and can't wait to just love you and take care of you when you get home.

[RedHeadWife]

It's so very nice to feel *safe* again. H got the email sooner than I thought he would. I figured he was sleeping when I sent it, but turns out he actually had gone out w/ the gang.

We ended up having an awesome convo b/c of this email and what we want (and always wanted) from our M.

I feel very safe & secure right now.

Ended up in the ER today. Long story short, I get to stick my OB's nurse in the eye after the way she treated/talked to me on Friday. My white blood count was 18 and normal is between 5 & 10. Hmmmmmm, guess that pain I was feeling was for real and I was right to go to the ER as I figured if she was telling me I shouldn't be hurting anymore (2 wks after surgery) that maybe something was truly wrong???!!!!

Honestly, I'll just "kill her w/ kindness" as my mom would say b/c she probably won't care anyway. Hopefully I'll be on the mend now -- obviously had some sort of infection going on.

[cat03]

oh no,hope you feel better red, sorry to hear that!

How sad, about your mom. It is very sad that older generations where not taught to talk things out, that bedroom issues were tabu and people kept it under wraps. And yes, prob your dad is set in his ways and would be hard to make a shart 180, I do hope your mom for her sake sees some T , 40 yrs is a long time.

[Miss IC]

Well Girl, I finally made my way over here and through your thread. Wow, that's a tough situation you've got going on. I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been going through..both phycially and emotionally. You're a stong girl

I find it so refreshing to hear your enthusiasm to finally get your marriage back on track once your husband get home. I've been given that same chance with my boy and the feeling is unbelievable. I love him so much and I feel that you have that same love for your guy...now lets just get him back home safely

How are your boys handling their dad being away? I bet they will be excited to have him home. I know my husband and his 2 girls have a very special relationship and I'm sure your boys have that same relationship with their dad.

Well I'm going to go. Husband had his knee surgery today and after a long emotional weekend, I feel like just snuggling up next to him for awhile. I'll be back in touch girl. Keep your spirits up

[RedHeadWife]

It is a wonderful feeling. I didn't realize what exactly I was missing on being so emotionally/physically distant from my H and I'm just so thankful every day that I have this 2nd chance to make it up. I'm glad you guys are on track too and you probably feel the same way.

Boys are ok w/ H being gone. Oldest is 7 and he understands and is doing really well in school, etc. Middle is 3 and all he knows is that dad was just all of a sudden gone and he actually was really, really close w/ H. He's taking it the hardest, but actually doing really well w/ it. Youngest, 20 months, is pretty much just clueless.

It really helps to have my parents here. My dad was military too and so I never grew up around my grandparents. I'm glad my boys have this chance to really know and share their lives w/ my parents.

[cat03]

my friend uses a webcam and is to thankful because they have a 1yr old daughter and she knows her dad, have you tried that?
Glad you got help hon))))

[RedHeadWife]

Yes, we do the webcam thing. It really does help. It's so much better than just pictures.

[RedHeadWife]

H called me at work yesterday. I'm still working 1/2 days and feeling ok. He was pretty tanked up. He thought I would be mad at him. I have no problems w/ him going out over there. I met most of the people he knows and is friends w/ over there anyway. I told him I had no problems w/ him going out, that he knows the only thing I worry about. He told me I didn't have to worry about that, it didn't even cross his mind (well, I hope not!! -- no more cheating you dumba$$!)

[runningoutoftime]

Nice to see the positive thoughts in your messages. Don't hold onto those negative ones. Always remember that H will find nothing better than his redheaded wife. And something tells me he knows that.