One other thought from my side: Do you think it could be possible that you really only want another chance with her out of a desire to prove that you can do it right, not out of a desire to be with her? If so, do you think this could really ever work?
Great question! I always love your insight and perspective -- so valuable and refreshing! I must admit I never looked at it that way, and now that I have I think you might have made an interesting find. I mean, it very well could be (if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, and I think I should ). On the other hand, I do still miss her very much -- I miss the good times we had, the life we were building together, having her by my side and her support, etc. There were many good things about her that I ignored because I focused on all of the little things she did wrong. I think that maybe I want to reconcile for both reasons: because I want to prove I can "do it right" the second time around AND because I miss and love her.
I appreciate your thoughts, SD! Thanks a bunch!
Some journaling,
Okay, today was a new step in my detachment and getting over my W (and with bettering myself). After my workout this morning, I got a message from the school nurse that S5 was sick and that the were calling mom since they couldn't reach me. I then called W and found out that she was on her way to get S5 (she sounded a little preturbed and I told her that I just found out he was sick because I had been at the gym, but I wasn't too far away and could pick him up now if she wanted to return to work. She replied with, "Well I'm almost there and I've already burned the gas, so I might as well get him," (A little bit of a guilt trip, eh?). The rest of the convo basically went like this:
Me: (friendly) Well, I can give you the money for gas since he was my responsibility today. W: Okay Me: And I can still take him -- I was planning on taking him to the doctor today after school anyway (he has some sort of skin infection). W: (being nicer) I can take him if you already have plans today or something you need to do. I've already got someone to take over at work. Me: I don't, so it's not a problem. But if you are wanting to take him then that's fine too. I haven't made a Dr appt yet so I can do that and then pick him up before his appt. W: Okay, that's fine. I guess I can take him to lunch, but don't know if I have enough money (about $5 left in her checking acct until tomorrow). Me: Well, if you want you can stop by my house on you way back home and I'll give you gas money and some money for McDonald's. W: Are you sure? Me: (nicely) Yeah. W: Okay -- oh, and I also tried to call Allstate and take me off the care insurance but they never returned my call. Me: Okay, that's cool. W: Alright, well I'll see you in a few minutes. Me: Okay, I'm almost home. W: Okay, bye. Me: Bye.
During the convo she also told me that she took her name off of the phone bill, and complained about some things regarding the customer service. I validated her feelings -- "no way!" "what an idiot!" etc -- which she seemed to appreciate (her tone of voice hinted at this as I had reinforced her feelings/thoughts).
I thought it was interesting that she was willing to still pick up S5 even though she didn't have to anymore, because doing so meant that I had to see her later to pick him up. Tried not to read into it too much, and just let it go.
I called her and told her I'd be picking him up a little before 2:00.
When I got there, she answered the door and told me that S5 had to go get his shoes on. She then invited me in (which was a surprise because a) it is her and her BF's house, and b) she's never done that before (I've waited outside). I said cool and went in.
Well, guess who was sitting on the couch when I walked in? Ding! Ding! Ding! Her BF! W went in the back to help S5 and left BF and I in the living room. I just looked at him (he was kind of shying away from looking at me, as he was texting or playing a game on his phone) and said:
Me: (friendly and upbeat) Hey man! How's it going? BF: (friendly -- and a maybe a little surprised) Good. How are you? Me: Doin' good. [pause] So did you guys have a good Halloween (I had the kids Halloween night)? BF: Yeah, we got a few hits (trick or treaters). How about you? Me: Yeah, we had fun. (laughing) The kids brought in quite the hall! BF: (laughing) Oh yeah? Some big bags, huh? Me: Yeah.
W came back in with S5, and we had some small talk about a few S5 things, I joked around w/ S5 for minute, he kissed mom goodbye and we left. I told them goodbye as I was leaving, and they said bye too.
I was very please with myself. I wasn't even prepared for that sitch, but I had no anger in me at all. Their R is reality, and I'm really coming to accept that. They might even be getting along better now, and if they are then that's fine too. I hope he'll get his head out of his ass and treat her right (since I didn't for so many years and she deserves it). If she's not going to stay with or come back to me, then I hope she'll find someone else that knows how to give her love and respect. All I can do now is be a good friend and treat her with decency and respect. Whether or not we ever reconcile, this is my goal, and I hope that things will someday be naturally comfortable between us.
Awesome feeling after I left -- awesome feeling! This is what this journey is about: changing old behaviors and growing into the best me that I can be! I wonder if W and/or BF were surprised that I intiated friendly conversation with BF...?
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