yep. its funny though, I have so much more energy now since I got it all off my chest. I do. its weird. not that I was dragging before, but I see what my therapist says about it being exhausting to keep that anger suppressed. yeah, she also told me more constructive things to do to release it, so should I ever find myself in that state again I will be hopefully putting that to use.
who knows what the future will bring. I just know I'm doing things one day at a time now.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
its really weird, songs that just last week made me tear up or I would need to change aren't doing that. I get reflective when some come up, but not like I used to...more passing than deep, if that makes sense.
one of my favorite things on my therapist's walls is frost's, "the road not take," a favorite of mine since high school. I keep thinking about it, because I've felt like I was at a fork in the road for so long now. occasionally I would take a few steps down one path, or the other, but always seemed to end up going back to the fork.
I guess i feel like I've chosen a path. not a path to divorce, because I am not choosing that. more like a path for my own journey. I still have a (very) small hope h might come running down that path to join me, but I guess I no longer expect him to, and it no longer alters the path I am choosing.
I fought it for so long, accepting who he is now. I called it so many things...mlc, fog, brain tumor, whatever. I think I'm just seeing that this is who he is...doesn't matter why he is, he just is. more importantly its not someone I want to be with.
still weird talking to him. he just called to say goodnight to the kids. I got on after and gave him a quick rundown of the kids day, but nothing more than that. then there was an awkward silence, where we would normally fill it with pleasantries or chit chat, and finally we both just said, "bye." nothing more to say. not until I am ready for the chit chat again, which might be a long while. I'm still way too vulnerable, could be roped in way too easily.
so that's my day. it was busy, filled with friends and playdates and miscellaneous every day things.
just taking things one day at a time. or, as lwb's thread says, day by day.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
lol, atgo, its funny, I'm not angry anymore. could have used that on monday, I'd say. but right now, I'm fine. even the ones that used to get me all fired up (lily allen's "Smile", just makes me soooo happy and fired up at times), are just fun songs again. instead of my angry chick rock playlist, I am interested in starting a new one, just full of positive, motivating songs that have nothing to do about h at all.
I mean, I had my ipod on the docking station most of the day and even when The Smiths came up, it didn't depress me. Green Day's "Good Riddence" didn't make me want to walk away after kicking h in the balls. The Cure's, "pictures of you" didn't reduce me to tears. c'mon, something must be in the water lately. I don't even feel like I'm on a high, more like a buzz...just good.
again, I'm sure I will have plenty of rocky roads/tough times/ups and downs ahead. I have no doubt about it. but for now, today, for this day, and for the past few, I've just been good.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
