I am glad you are realizing that it may take some time to regain her trust and love. The first time my H lied to me so he could go away for a weekend with OW, the lie hurt more than the reason for it. If you have been lying for years, she will have a hard time believing what she's hearing, and I'm glad to see you are following up with action. I also think you should involve her in the breakup. Email the OW and let your W read it. Do not use the word "sorry" in any way in the email. Just make it clear that your W and M are more important than OW is, that you will not communicate with her again in any way and this is the last she will hear from you. I know this would go a long way with me, along with total access to his cell records and all email accounts, and, coming home from work on time so I know he's not with her.
Another thing to keep in mind. You say that you are committed to fixing your marriage. That is good. You also say that you realize that your words don't carry any weight and that your actions will be what shows her that you mean what you say. That is also good. In my opinion one of the most important things that you can do now is be absolutely dedicated to not slipping and backsliding.
I tell you this based from recent experience. My W was the one having an A.It started almost a year ago, I found out(confirmed it) at the end of April. She came to me toward the end of July and wanted to work on us and our M. Well I recently found out about a backslide that she had. She didn't go see him, but was in contact with him again through textmessage. He is a coworker but this was NOT work related in nature.
Both she and I agree that things between us had been going very well until that point. Now, however I find it much harder to believe things from her. It almost seems that this slip was more devastating to me because before this point she hadn't come to me and told me that she was sorry and wanted to work on things. The mistake after the apology for some reason seems to be more devastating than the original deceit. It has been much harder for me to deal with than before. Before I was hurt and mad about everything, and this time it was almost a feeling of hopelessness a sort of "what's the point anymore" thought.
I only tell you this to further cement your resolve. If you commit to this you have to COMMIT 200%. If you slip she may forgive you but it may make it exponentially harder than it will be already.
Good Luck & stay strong - You've taken the first steps and that is a great place to be
Steel
M 39, W 35 D7, S5 Friends 18+ Together 11+ Married 8 ILYBINILWY 4/7/07 - A BOMB 4/29/07 Seperated 5/16/07 - D Filed She Moved out 7/1 D Busted 6/15/08
It's hard to know what your wife will choose to do. She may have encouragement and support to end the marriage and go through with a divorce. But you have a lot of great advice here. One thing you may need is patience. Good luck.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Another thing to keep in mind. You say that you are committed to fixing your marriage. That is good. You also say that you realize that your words don't carry any weight and that your actions will be what shows her that you mean what you say. That is also good. In my opinion one of the most important things that you can do now is be absolutely dedicated to not slipping and backsliding.
I tell you this based from recent experience. My W was the one having an A.It started almost a year ago, I found out(confirmed it) at the end of April. She came to me toward the end of July and wanted to work on us and our M. Well I recently found out about a backslide that she had. She didn't go see him, but was in contact with him again through textmessage. He is a coworker but this was NOT work related in nature.
Both she and I agree that things between us had been going very well until that point. Now, however I find it much harder to believe things from her. It almost seems that this slip was more devastating to me because before this point she hadn't come to me and told me that she was sorry and wanted to work on things. The mistake after the apology for some reason seems to be more devastating than the original deceit. It has been much harder for me to deal with than before. Before I was hurt and mad about everything, and this time it was almost a feeling of hopelessness a sort of "what's the point anymore" thought.
I only tell you this to further cement your resolve. If you commit to this you have to COMMIT 200%. If you slip she may forgive you but it may make it exponentially harder than it will be already.
Good Luck & stay strong - You've taken the first steps and that is a great place to be
Steel
This is great advice. Thank you so much for this. I just read the first chapter of the Divorce Remedy and it is such an inspiration. I don't want to put it down. Pray for me and for us!
First of all, I think you should change your screen name from Lousy Husband to something more hopeful and positive. How about Change is Possible, or Warrior Poet, or Vigilante of Love? You get my drift -- you are not defined by this crisis. What your call yourself is what you believe about yourself. You are someone new, so live in the new. The old has passed away.
You have taken the first step: confession. You have admitted the affair is wrong. If you haven't already done so, ask your wife for forgiveness.
The second step is repentance: change of behavior. Involve your wife in the termination of the affair. Show her the final letter you will send OW. Then never contact her again or recieve communication from her.
OK....now the hard part...the rest of your life.
Honestly, it's refreshing to see how remorseful you are.
However, even if you have a new-found faith in God and your resolve is to be marrried for life, you have to realize that the stressors that led to the affair need to be addressed. Some of these are your wife's issues, some of them are yours. If they aren't addressed, even your new-found faith may not keep you from straying again. Sorry dude, Evangelical Christians have a higher than average divorce rate. It's the ugly truth.
The new you, not only needs to have moral resolve not to have an affair, but, more importantly, the new you must strive to achieve emotional intimacy with your wife. That's how to affair-proof your marriage.
Good luck, my friend. I wish you success. I am now praying for God's favor in restoring your marriage.
nnp~ I remember jokermann.. and no I don't what ever happend to him either.
Anyways~ it is nice to see that you are truly sorry for what you have done. But you both need to speak to a C, to see where the M went wrong and to prevent it from going or getting to that place again.
I wish you strength and hoping you work it out.
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
nnp~ I remember jokermann.. and no I don't what ever happend to him either.
Anyways~ it is nice to see that you are truly sorry for what you have done. But you both need to speak to a C, to see where the M went wrong and to prevent it from going or getting to that place again.
I wish you strength and hoping you work it out.
tal
Thank you for this. I would like to consider changing my nickname to something more positive if I felt I had a chance. I squandered so many opportunities. What made me do this? I am having nightmares about losing her. Today was our daughter's 3rd birthday. When my W answered the phone and I said Hi, she said nothing. After I spoke to my kids, she hung up on me. I want to fight so badly and be a better person. For me, which is selfish, but for our beautiful children who deserve a loving family with mommy and daddy there every day. Somebody put me out of my misery. I love her, I love her, I love her!
Although my h didn't actually have an A with one certain person, he was looking. Not as bad, but bad enough. Anyways there are more women on here that can give you better advice but here is mine.
Time, time, time. That's what it took for me (still taking) The feelings when you first find out are raw. Time does heal is, or at least make it easier to cope.
My H and I are still struggling, some days are better than others, but Im still here trying. I have children just like you to think about. It keeps us going. She is hurt, angry, dissapointed and fustrated that she can't trust you I imagine and THAT only takes lots of time to get to that healing place.
You say that you love her, and im glad, then you are going to have to expect this attitude for awhile. She's going to pull back and she's going to hate you.. but things will calm down eventually and hopefully she won't throw in the towel.
Take care.
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
