its really weird, songs that just last week made me tear up or I would need to change aren't doing that. I get reflective when some come up, but not like I used to...more passing than deep, if that makes sense.
one of my favorite things on my therapist's walls is frost's, "the road not take," a favorite of mine since high school. I keep thinking about it, because I've felt like I was at a fork in the road for so long now. occasionally I would take a few steps down one path, or the other, but always seemed to end up going back to the fork.
I guess i feel like I've chosen a path. not a path to divorce, because I am not choosing that. more like a path for my own journey. I still have a (very) small hope h might come running down that path to join me, but I guess I no longer expect him to, and it no longer alters the path I am choosing.
I fought it for so long, accepting who he is now. I called it so many things...mlc, fog, brain tumor, whatever. I think I'm just seeing that this is who he is...doesn't matter why he is, he just is. more importantly its not someone I want to be with.
still weird talking to him. he just called to say goodnight to the kids. I got on after and gave him a quick rundown of the kids day, but nothing more than that. then there was an awkward silence, where we would normally fill it with pleasantries or chit chat, and finally we both just said, "bye." nothing more to say. not until I am ready for the chit chat again, which might be a long while. I'm still way too vulnerable, could be roped in way too easily.
so that's my day. it was busy, filled with friends and playdates and miscellaneous every day things.
just taking things one day at a time. or, as lwb's thread says, day by day.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
