A couple of good friends of mine from the board mentioned your sitch and I thought I would stop by. I don't know all of the details as I have only briefly reviewed the last few pages of your thread but I do have a few comments that might be helpful.
First, I second what Jeff said previously, when he stated that what you are feeling and going through is normal for this point in the game. You are in a living hell right now with your emotions running wild. I know - I was you about 18 months ago.
Now, you've heard all the statements about GAL, Act As If, etc. and I am sure you are taking them to heart as best you can but, here's what I've learned...and this is only my opinion based on my experience..."act-as-if and GAL" do more for you than it will do for bringing your W around. Let me explain....you will learn many, many months from now, that your W can see right through it. She has shown this with her avoidance of counseling, even in the face of the co-parenting argument. What GAL and act-as-if will do is it will allow YOU to disengage from the emotional whirlpool; it will help YOU get your emotional footing again, and will help YOU rediscover what makes you happy.
That said, let me shed some light on some things....
1) The OM; try not to obsess too much about this. 99% of the OM situations blow up at some point. If you've read my thread you will know that my W met someone on this board....a supposed friend of mine...and what they found was so real and lasting, that they connected and spent many glorious months of revelry together....well, until he got bored and stopped calling her. Consider this, if she is with OM and she comes back to you tomorrow...will you take her back and forgive her? If so, what difference does it make if it happens tomorrow, a month from now, or six months from now? Let it take it's course naturaly.
2) She WILL NOT come around until you have let go...I don't mean pretending to let go. The sooner you can accept that she is going through with the divorce, the sooner you can start to heal and get strong. Ironically, that is when she will turn around, if she's going to.
3) DB your butt off BUT, when it comes time to go to mediation/court, look out for you and your kids. Do not sacrifice your or your kids needs by taking actions that you hope will turn your W around or prevent her from getting angry with you - you will regret that later. Again, ironically, she will actually respect you more if you stand your ground.
4)I want to stress this one....SO many of these sitches turn around at the moment the divorce is being finalized or right after final papers are signed. It is in fact the premise behind the last-last resort technique (IMHO).
In summary, I guess what I'm saying is this....as long as you are fighting to turn things around, choosing actions based on what the outcome will be, etc., she will know it and will resent you for it. As long as she feels you are fighting to put things back together, she will push away. Once you move on with your life and start creating a new life for yourself and your kids, she will FINALLY have the chance to feel free and to reflect. Don't expect immediate results though...it will take months of reflection before she can clear the fog and see clearly. In addition, once she feels "emotionally free", the reality of divorce will start to rain down on her like a ton of bricks....only then (IMHO) will you start to see the real baby steps of her turning and looking.
NOW, that said, I want to share a few personal experiences that might lend hope and/or strength...and I realize I may get flack for some of this.
In my sitch, W was so far gone, there was NO HOPE. I used to call FrankD and tell him, "there's no hope, Frank" and he would calm me down and tell me anything can happen. Even still, W fell in love with someone else and moved on. We went to mediation and when she didn't get her way, she took me to court. Even still today we are battling custody issues and asset distribution, etc. BUT, once I moved on and stopped being an emotional prisoner to my past R, W started to see that I WAS capable of change and started commenting on it. Now, 18 months later, after all the anger, venom, fighting, and hearing how I was the most controlling, horrible husband ever, W makes statement like, "maybe we shouldn't go through with the D". Now I'm not saying that she would actually follow through or that she's in love with me again but I guess what I'm saying is that even the most venemous of situations can change once you let them go.
Secondly, and this is where I will likely catch flack...I have been seriously involved with someone for some months; a woman who has been seperated for 4 years and has been pursuing her own D. Now, she and her H and been apart for 4 years - they have each had other relationships, have been completely amicable and friendly, with no considerations for reconciliation. She has filed and had him served several times and each time he ignores the papers. Finally, at her witts end she gets an attorney and a court date and informs him of an emergency hearing. Suddenly, the reality of D hit him because it's now being finalized and ordered by the court.....the last week has been a barrage of phone calls and text messages, confessing his love and desire to reconcile.
I do not want to get into what I will do, what she will do, etc. and I realize I took a risk of getting slammed on this board by posting this information BUT, I wanted to show you that even after 4 years of seperation, where both parties had conceivably moved on, things CAN and DO turn around.
The important thing is, LOVE HER ENOUGH TO LET HER GO and figure things out on her own. You wouldn't want her with you if she wasn't happy anyway, would you?
I truly hope this helps in some way and I wish you and your family the very best. Good luck!
