There and Back #12

[SallyM]

I do understand your point. he had already lied to her, btw, it had nothing to do with what I said. he does okay on that front without my help, trust me. she didn't take him back because he ran back to her with the excuse I gave him...it was one he already had used. my real mistake here was the e-mail I sent him. should have just said it to him, not written it. my guess is he forwarded it to her as proof that I had lost it and was being vindictive. I made him look like a freaking hero in that thing. so yeah, big mistake. (in spite of it, it felt good though, I have to say).

I think I'm just tired of taking the blame for everything...that i could have done this or that differently and it would have been the magic elixir that would have saved everything. I refuse to do that to myself anymore. I've done the best I could as I've learned and grown over the last 7 months, but there are no crystal balls. I used the tools I found here, the db/dr and other books, what I've learned in therapy, what my friend has suggested/advised. I have done what I could do. sometimes its just not enough, and sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade and move on. sometimes you have to take a good, honest look at the situation and realize what it really is.

H has told me off and on if I had done this or that, that that would have been just the thing that would have brought him back. if I had thrown him out immediately! if I had filed in that first month! (on the other hand, he has also told me he had hoped I would file early on so he wouldn't have to and could just move on). but he is full of crap and trying to place blame once again. its what he does. he still can't take the hard look in his own mirror.

the one thing that has happened is I have allowed myself to hope where there was none, and it was dragging me down. letting go of that hope is the best thing that i can do right now. it is. again, I'm not filing, I'm not being hostile, but I'm done thinking that anything I do or don't do is going to change things. and I'm doing what I need to right now to take care of myself.

funny, he said the last time we had sex that he knew he could come back, could have me at any time. and he was right. how sad is that? seriously, how sad does that make me? that he knew nothing he did would change that for me? if I have no self-respect, how can he have any for me? I know keeping a safe path home is a good thing in many cases. in mine, well, I think it just made him see me as not worth having even more than he already did.

but again, no crystal balls. I'll never know if anything could have changed things. maybe, maybe not.