There and Back #12

[SallyM]

thanks, care. it was really sweet to see s3 finally see there was nothing to be afraid of...I think he had it pretty worked up in his mind that witches/monsters/etc were all real. nice to see, and guessing next year he'll be ready for the costume.

I also appreciate you sharing your own experience. I wondered if those who were able to repair their marriages would look at my attitude as a mistake. I'm not hostile to him, but its definitely something I need to do right now. maybe a year or two or 3 from now, things can be different, who knows, but for me right now there is no other answer, at least none that I can see.

good point, dom. h is NOT a better man for all of this. I'm not saying this because I am the woman scorned. I'm saying this because when I look at him, I just see a man who is making a lot of really lousy life choices. if he were as good a man as he used to be (or better), outside of the wife/children thing, that might be one thing. but he's not...he's on a downward spiral it seems. and definitely not one who is interested in being a better man. its like, while he was married to me, he was that better man, and now he's throwing off the yoke and going back to some old ways (keep in mind, he was 23 when we met, so those old ways were very much stupid youth stuff).

[Dom R]

PS:

not too worried for him...he has her to comfort him. she'll help him get over any residual sadness, if there is any.

Morgan,

In some ways, I'm reluctant to say this to you. It's probably too soon, and you're feeling rather raw, and anger-driven, etc.

I'm still writing this down now, though, because I worry that I wont remember to tell you this later.




Hopefully, you will get yourself in a "willing to think about things" mood, before reading the next part of this post, because it's going to be rough to take otherwise.




-----------


morgan... you messed up.
instead of you using your anger, to gain courage to do something you've kind of wanted to do for a long time (confront your husband), you let your anger use you.


Showing your anger to your husband, shook him free of OW disease for a moment. Completely free.
There are many marriages, that have been recovered, because in that crucial moment of exposure, the spouse has been filled with remorse, and made a decision to drop that nastiness behind them.
Certainly not ALL spouses.. but some.
The spouse has, in some of those instances, committed to dropping the OP forever, in a long-term meaningful way.

I think you had an opportunity to do that. He had dropped her, and came chasing after you.

But then you let your anger take you where it wanted to go, and you slammed the door in his face.
He had nowhere to turn, but back to her.


So... he did. and thus sunk back into the swamp.



-------------

Your husband has committed adultery. You have a right to divorce him, if that's what you want.

But, it doesnt have to be that way. You said that "your marriage is over".
However, it's only over, if you truely want it to be.

Many people have recovered their marriage from actual affairs here. And had a stronger marriage afterwards, in spite of it.

All this time, you "kinda knew" that he was cheating on you... but you didnt really process it internally. Suddenly, you were forced to face it, and you went into shock.

When the shock factor wears off... maybe, think about things again.

I'm not saying go running back to him.
I'm not even suggesting you approach him.

All I'm suggesting is: if, in your heart of hearts, you still dont truely want a divorce... then if he approaches YOU again... choose not to slam the door in his face so completely.

I think he deserves the cold treatment from you that he is getting now.
But, if he specifically tries to open up the topic of, "I'm sorry, can we work things out?"... it could be worth listening to.

[care]

I wondered if those who were able to repair their marriages would look at my attitude as a mistake. I'm not hostile to him, but its definitely something I need to do right now. maybe a year or two or 3 from now, things can be different, who knows, but for me right now there is no other answer, at least none that I can see.

M, it is not so much a matter of right/wrong, mistake or not. First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. You're not going to be any good to anyone, including your kids, if you let this stuff get to you.
Now, that being said, there are definitely different ways to approach that. Being vindictive and spiteful probably won't gain you any brownie points, but if you're polite yet distant it helps you. To detach, to move on, to just feel better.

[Astimegoeson]

To detach, to move on, to just feel better.

It really is that simple!

Although I understand the anger, it takes so much energy away from us. Energy we can use for more productive and beneficial results in our lives and those of our kids. When I finally grasped this concept I realized just how much I was cheating myself and the personal progress I was missing out on.

[LL44]

I love that line about letting anger use us. Amazingly clear, yet hard to see when we are in the throws.

morgan, lots of great words to think about here, but just wanted to say, you are my morgan, my friend. I definately feel less alone when I am communicating with you as well. MWAH!

[SallyM]

thanks all.

honestly, I needed to release that anger. I don't even see it as vindictive at all. maybe that's my own delusion, but I don't. polite but distant is my name now, no plans to be spiteful at all. wow, would that change who I am. not even interested in going there at all. and yeah, I get that I cemented their relationship, but honestly, it wasn't dying out or going anywhere. I was tired of the lies, tired of the games, and I put it all out in the open and washed my hands of it. I didn't tell ow to break them up...I really didn't. it never occured to me that it would, to be honest. seriously, she knew full well we were sleeping together until I found out about the affair, didn't bother her then.

I don't feel angry any more...I released it and still just feel at peace. maybe that will wear off, who knows. I guess time and experience will tell. my problem was the suppressed anger took so much energy to maintain. my therapist said the same thing...it is exhausting to keep that much inside. by the time I finally released it, it was like a tidal wave. prior to this there was an occasional steam pocket here and there that got released, but nothing that really let it all go. I suppressed that anger for 7 months as I tried to both wrap my head around what was happening and at the same time try to save my marriage. my focus was on moving me forward, but always, always, with the undercurrent that this would hopefully fix my marriage. the anger just got pushed deeper down.

releasing it allowed me peace. and its allowing me to detach. I'm not hostile, I'm not angry. I have moments of hurt here and there, but mostly I'm just ready to really and truly see where my life is headed now, no limbo, no quagmire. its like before I was struggling thru a swamp, and I finally made it to solid ground.

its going to be hard. not doubt in my mind there will be hard moments. but I will no longer think that i messed up, that I should have done x differently, that it would have made a difference. because, at least right now, I honestly don't think there was anything I could have done to change things. I think I was clinging to a lot of false hope that was doing nothing but hold me back.

I'm glad I can say in all honesty that i did everything I could to save my marriage. now I'm doing everything I can to save myself.

eta, dom in no way has he ever dropped her, btw. ever. not since they first got together. if he ever approached me about working things out, hell yeah, at this point I'd absolutley give him a chance. I wont' say that forever, but I will now. but I'm also not waiting around for it to happen any more.

no, I'm not pursuing divorce at this point. that ball is in his court. I'm just going to live my life.

[Dom R]

eta, dom in no way has he ever dropped her, btw. ever. not since they first got together.

oops. I'm sorry: I misremembered. It was the other way around: she "dumped" him. You mentioned that, with;

well, just got a tearfilled call from H asking why I did that...that now she has left him, that it was over, she won't take him back.

Sadly, this seems to be the most common cause of recovery after infidelity, judging by the accounts I have read.
It's nice when the unfaithful spouse comes to their senses.. but more commonly, it's becuase they get dumped, one way or another.

However, you chose to respond to him, with

told him not to worry, she'd be back with him...

Which then gave him incentive to lie to her and claim you two had never had sex... rather than accept that it was over between them.

It's really sad, the way that the LBS can unintentionally undermine their own marriage sometimes.
My wife kept 'defending' herself against my accusations of having an EA, with "we're just friends... he doesnt think of me that way".
My attempts to point out his behaviours, to "prove the EA", were ignored as far as getting her to admit she was in the wrong... However, what it DID accomplish, was making her feel even more strongly bonded to the bozo, becuase then, ironically, she had "proof" that the OM's feeling for her really were strong romantic and long term feelings... and proof from her own husband, no less.
sigh.


You fell into a similar trap, seems like. You just told your husband, that the OW would stick with him, even when he thought it was over between them. So he went with that, and chased after her again.

[SallyM]

I do understand your point. he had already lied to her, btw, it had nothing to do with what I said. he does okay on that front without my help, trust me. she didn't take him back because he ran back to her with the excuse I gave him...it was one he already had used. my real mistake here was the e-mail I sent him. should have just said it to him, not written it. my guess is he forwarded it to her as proof that I had lost it and was being vindictive. I made him look like a freaking hero in that thing. so yeah, big mistake. (in spite of it, it felt good though, I have to say).

I think I'm just tired of taking the blame for everything...that i could have done this or that differently and it would have been the magic elixir that would have saved everything. I refuse to do that to myself anymore. I've done the best I could as I've learned and grown over the last 7 months, but there are no crystal balls. I used the tools I found here, the db/dr and other books, what I've learned in therapy, what my friend has suggested/advised. I have done what I could do. sometimes its just not enough, and sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade and move on. sometimes you have to take a good, honest look at the situation and realize what it really is.

H has told me off and on if I had done this or that, that that would have been just the thing that would have brought him back. if I had thrown him out immediately! if I had filed in that first month! (on the other hand, he has also told me he had hoped I would file early on so he wouldn't have to and could just move on). but he is full of crap and trying to place blame once again. its what he does. he still can't take the hard look in his own mirror.

the one thing that has happened is I have allowed myself to hope where there was none, and it was dragging me down. letting go of that hope is the best thing that i can do right now. it is. again, I'm not filing, I'm not being hostile, but I'm done thinking that anything I do or don't do is going to change things. and I'm doing what I need to right now to take care of myself.

funny, he said the last time we had sex that he knew he could come back, could have me at any time. and he was right. how sad is that? seriously, how sad does that make me? that he knew nothing he did would change that for me? if I have no self-respect, how can he have any for me? I know keeping a safe path home is a good thing in many cases. in mine, well, I think it just made him see me as not worth having even more than he already did.

but again, no crystal balls. I'll never know if anything could have changed things. maybe, maybe not.

[Dom R]

but again, no crystal balls. I'll never know if anything could have changed things. maybe, maybe not.

very true.


PS:

...
he knew he could come back, could have me at any time.....he knew nothing he did would change that for me

Well, guess he was wrong on that one

[SallyM]

yep, we found out exactly what might stop that circle, didn't we? lol.

I hope you get what I'm saying here. I'm just tired of second guessing/doubting myself. I feel like I've done that so much. if one thing doesn't work, do I do something else, or stick with it longer...do I do this or that or the other. and the thing I'm just realizing is that something it has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. sometimes it just is what it is, and nothing in this world will change that.