Not that I in any way can be called an expert or one who can say he practises what DB or DR preaches consistently. What I have learnt is exactly what you fear, that what seems logical and loving will back fire and that odd methods are needed. I guess what is it, is that the other persons head space is so far removed from what we think of as a loving home environment. It also as my doctor pointed out very hard for the person having the affair to deal with all of the "re-wiring" they have done in their mind to go through with it all.
In my case we do not have kids, though we tried for 3 years, but still it is an odd dynamic.
Thanks also for the coach endorsement, I have been thinking about it so maybe I will give it a try.
