I dont know what to say that will change her mind.
Nothing. There is nothing at all you can say that will change anything. The only thing you can do in order to effect change is to work on yourself and MAYBE your W will notice. Maybe she won't.
The more you talk about it, the more you push and the more you try to convince her to be a certain way or do something, she will back off - Quickly.
Personally, I think the idea of 'planning' a talk is a bad move. Neither of you are going to get anywhere, because you want totally different things.
I agree with Brit. There isn't anything that you can "say". Sad, isn't it?
mwel, you WILL be okay. What you are worried about is what to do, how to act, or what to say. Because there isn't anything in particular that will bring her back, unless she wants to, how about being yourself. Be the you that you would like to be. Practice on your friends and family by being a genuine great guy. It's okay to be you. You wouldn't want her to come back if she can't accept you, would you?
mwel, there are so many newcomers that I probably mix you all up. You don't have kids, is that right? And her career keeps you apart most the time? What would be different if you got her back? You'd still see each other very infrequently and be a set-up for a bad marriage. She probably needs more to feel love than talking on the phone. She probably needs other things to feel loved; things a long distance relationship can't provide. I know we are here to bust divorce, but consider how you will even keep it busted if you were back together.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I agree with Brit. There isn't anything that you can "say". Sad, isn't it?
mwel, you WILL be okay. What you are worried about is what to do, how to act, or what to say. Because there isn't anything in particular that will bring her back, unless she wants to, how about being yourself. Be the you that you would like to be. Practice on your friends and family by being a genuine great guy. It's okay to be you. You wouldn't want her to come back if she can't accept you, would you?
mwel, there are so many newcomers that I probably mix you all up. You don't have kids, is that right? And her career keeps you apart most the time? What would be different if you got her back? You'd still see each other very infrequently and be a set-up for a bad marriage. She probably needs more to feel love than talking on the phone. She probably needs other things to feel loved; things a long distance relationship can't provide. I know we are here to bust divorce, but consider how you will even keep it busted if you were back together.
She has already agreed to talk to me. what do I say now? sorry something came up? Then she will say "figures, when there is something important to discuss he has something that is more important to him that he has to do". she is like that..plus her best Friend keeps telling her just to talk to me..I would want her to come back for any reason. I want her to see the new me, the person I have been working on for a while. You are correct, no kids and for now her career keeps her away. I say for now because she is trying to become a GM of her own hotel. What would be different, you ask..I would be more willing to drive to see her no matter how long. Maybe she needs someone there all of the time, but she hasnt had anyone there for a while. She has been by herself, accept the affair but she traveled to have that. I would show her more love other than just talking on the phone. I just want her to know that there are other methods to solve problems than divorce.
She has already agreed to talk to me. what do I say now? sorry something came up?
No - Still go and see her. Just because you can't say anything to change her mind does not mean that you shouldn't be a friend and spend time together.
He is coming home on the 10th. She will not want to spend time with me. She knows that I said that I really need to talk to her and tell her some things. If she comes over and I say that I have nothing to talk about, she will leave. I want to be her friend and I would love to spend time with her, but she wont right now.
ONe more thing...I asked her friend if she still wears her rings and she said that she really didnt look but she may have taken them off....what should I do? Take mine off?
He is coming home on the 10th. She will not want to spend time with me. She knows that I said that I really need to talk to her and tell her some things. If she comes over and I say that I have nothing to talk about, she will leave. I want to be her friend and I would love to spend time with her, but she wont right now.
If she shows up because you said you have something to talk about, then it's your opportunity to be a friend - No pressure, no pursuing and certainly no R talk. Maybe she'll open up and want to talk about something specific, or maybe she won't.
I don't believe she'll show up on your doorstep with "What did you want to talk about?".
Originally Posted By: mwel
ONe more thing...I asked her friend if she still wears her rings and she said that she really didnt look but she may have taken them off....what should I do? Take mine off?
Do you want to take it off? Don't do something in response to your W. If it feels right to take it off, take it off, otherwise leave it on. My W hasn't worn her ring in three months, but I've not had mine off at all.
Depending upon your W's state of mind, she may be doing things that she feels are right for her, but in the back of her mind she wants the security of you to fall back on - Yes, it sounds like a long shot, but it's not uncommon. Taking your ring off just for 'effect' may not be a positive step. That said, lots of W's turn around and want to try when their H decides it's time to go, but your W hasn't been doing this long enough to be in that position...
If she shows up because you said you have something to talk about, then it's your opportunity to be a friend - No pressure, no pursuing and certainly no R talk. Maybe she'll open up and want to talk about something specific, or maybe she won't.
I don't believe she'll show up on your doorstep with "What did you want to talk about?".
I know the only reason she will show up is because I said that I needed to talk to her. I want to be her friend, I want there to be no pressure or pursuing but my speech has the relationship in it. Maybe she will open up but I already know that she will not admit to cheating. She doesn't want to get screwed when she files the papers. Her best friend told me this..and yes I know that she was cheated before and after the wedding. Well I know that since she is there, she will get the stuff she has there. But for the most part I am thinking that is how she is going to act "What did you want to talk about?" or "What do you have to say?" Would you want to see what I have wrote so far??
Originally Posted By: BritInOH
Do you want to take it off? Don't do something in response to your W. If it feels right to take it off, take it off, otherwise leave it on. My W hasn't worn her ring in three months, but I've not had mine off at all.
Depending upon your W's state of mind, she may be doing things that she feels are right for her, but in the back of her mind she wants the security of you to fall back on - Yes, it sounds like a long shot, but it's not uncommon. Taking your ring off just for 'effect' may not be a positive step. That said, lots of W's turn around and want to try when their H decides it's time to go, but your W hasn't been doing this long enough to be in that position...
No I do not want to take off my ring. I was going to do it in response to her doing it but I wasnt 100% on taking it off. Now I will keep it on. I believe that she is in that mind frame of she is doing things that feels are right for her. I am also pretty sure that she does not want my security to fall back on.
This is getting so crazy! You have got to quit fussing about this "talk". I understand that this is all new, but believe me, this isn't a situation where you have one shot to make a good first impression. It's not a job interview.
How about this...she comes by and you say this......
"I had a whole bunch I wanted to say, but let's scrap that. Because I care for you, I want you to be happy. It's not what I want, but if divorcing me is what it takes for you to be happy, then I won't stand in the way. I would like to be friends if possible. How about we wrap up any of the details about possessions and stuff and then grab some dinner or something."
How's that? Not fulfilling for you? Either will trying to learn the details of affairs.
Btw, do what you want in terms of your rings. I'd suggest wearing them.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You have got to quit fussing about this "talk". I understand that this is all new, but believe me, this isn't a situation where you have one shot to make a good first impression. It's not a job interview.