honestly, I needed to release that anger. I don't even see it as vindictive at all. maybe that's my own delusion, but I don't. polite but distant is my name now, no plans to be spiteful at all. wow, would that change who I am. not even interested in going there at all. and yeah, I get that I cemented their relationship, but honestly, it wasn't dying out or going anywhere. I was tired of the lies, tired of the games, and I put it all out in the open and washed my hands of it. I didn't tell ow to break them up...I really didn't. it never occured to me that it would, to be honest. seriously, she knew full well we were sleeping together until I found out about the affair, didn't bother her then.
I don't feel angry any more...I released it and still just feel at peace. maybe that will wear off, who knows. I guess time and experience will tell. my problem was the suppressed anger took so much energy to maintain. my therapist said the same thing...it is exhausting to keep that much inside. by the time I finally released it, it was like a tidal wave. prior to this there was an occasional steam pocket here and there that got released, but nothing that really let it all go. I suppressed that anger for 7 months as I tried to both wrap my head around what was happening and at the same time try to save my marriage. my focus was on moving me forward, but always, always, with the undercurrent that this would hopefully fix my marriage. the anger just got pushed deeper down.
releasing it allowed me peace. and its allowing me to detach. I'm not hostile, I'm not angry. I have moments of hurt here and there, but mostly I'm just ready to really and truly see where my life is headed now, no limbo, no quagmire. its like before I was struggling thru a swamp, and I finally made it to solid ground.
its going to be hard. not doubt in my mind there will be hard moments. but I will no longer think that i messed up, that I should have done x differently, that it would have made a difference. because, at least right now, I honestly don't think there was anything I could have done to change things. I think I was clinging to a lot of false hope that was doing nothing but hold me back.
I'm glad I can say in all honesty that i did everything I could to save my marriage. now I'm doing everything I can to save myself.
eta, dom in no way has he ever dropped her, btw. ever. not since they first got together. if he ever approached me about working things out, hell yeah, at this point I'd absolutley give him a chance. I wont' say that forever, but I will now. but I'm also not waiting around for it to happen any more.
no, I'm not pursuing divorce at this point. that ball is in his court. I'm just going to live my life.
Last edited by morgan; 11/01/0706:32 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
