Hi Sandi, I hope my W is not having EA's with 5 OM! LOL! Just reading your posts from the last few days gives me a lot of insight into what is going through my W's mind during this EA. I still cant say for sure if she is still involved with the OM, because as i have said before, she is acting very different from the way she did when I first discovered her EA. Sandi, the way she was acting the last few weeks from the end of the prednisone that she was on, was very different from the previous few weeks. She wasnt nasty or anything, but she seemed very distant. Like maybe she is in mourning or something. These last few weeks she has been somewhat miserable, as I can look into her eyes and tell that something is wrong. Since I have most of the control of the sitch, nothing she does gets me bent out of shape. Maybe I'm lying a bit, but I dont show it to her. This week she is way different, acting more chatty, starting conversations when I least expect, telling me that she had an interview last night at 5 and would be late. Maybe it's b/c my D's boyfriend brought his 7 month old nephew to the house on Monday night. W looked like she was in heaven feeding him, holding him, and playing with him. We will also be babysitting him on friday nite and most of saturday. Cant say for sure, but I would say that menopause and the empty nest are a big part of her problem. Also, my S made the basketball team at college and will be playing a scrimmage game on sat afternoon. Seems that when the kids are involved, she acts more like her old self.
It was interesting when you mentioned your webcam. My W bought one last summer and she was online with a family from Morocco in Africa and sending pictures of herself to this family. They in turn had sent pix of their family. I remember when she got in contact with a female member of this family that was living and working near us and we had to drive to this persons workplace b/c the family sent us gifts from home. My W was getting to the point that she was going to have the whole family come for summer vacation and we were going to have to entertain them! I put my foot down and told her that it was ok to talk to them, but not go any further. Now that I think about it, she was talking about this family to me and probably wanted me to get involved with something that was fun to her and I responded negatively. Probably not a good thing on my part. Maybe that is why she thinks i never want to do anything or go anywhere. All I can hope for is that all will pass and she will come back down to earth. Thanks for listening.
P.S. I have to tell you all that this past weekend I thought I was on a Jerry Springer show. My 23 yr old niece was pregnant for about a month when she lost the baby, and she went into what i say was pretty nasty depression. Her fiance was out of town, and needless to say her stepdad began to make advances toward her and telling her what she needed to hear. All of a sudden she wasnt in love with her fiance, and was going to run off with her moms husband! My D and S were both home for a bit and found out about their cousin and wanted to know what would cause someone to act that way. I made sure that my W was in hearing distance when I told them what I thought. I explained that in losing the baby, their cousin got depressed and didnt know how to handle the sitch. Instead of talking to the doctor or her fiance, she talked to her stepdad who took advantage of her and now has everything screwed up. I told them that sometimes women's emotions cause them to do things out of the normal, and that she is now fallen hook, line and sinker with someone who just told them what they wanted to hear. I also told them that with her fiance out of town, her stepdad was there to fill an emotional need. I told them that it is always best to talk to the doctors or someone you trust b/c there are people out there that are very selfish and only think of themselves. My W had nothing to say but "jeez'. Hope that sunk into my W's head. Sandi sorry to steal your thread. Scotty
To my frind Lou.....thank you so much for your insight. In a lot of ways it helps me to know that men are not as shallow or hard hearted as I try to make them....lol. In other ways, it kind of hurts. What I mean by that is that I think I needed to believe (as some others had said) that the OM had moved on to another woman and wasn't having withdrawal pains from the EA with me. To think that, made the temptation to contact him again less powerful. In some ways, I needed to believe that he did not have true feelings for me.....but in some ways, I guess I wanted to believe that I had meant something more than just a possible new sex partner. I hated to think that he was willig to see me risk everything for a couple of hours with him. Anyway, that is all in the past.
To try to answer DomR's question about how to stop doing it. I can't answer for others.....only myself. With me, it was a spiritual conviction that caused a continual conflict in my soul. I could not go to church and do the job of teaching Sunday school when I knew that I was trying to live a "double life" in some ways. It just wasn't something I personally could do. It began to consume me. I went for weeks on end that I would miss church simply b/c I couldn't mix the two lifestyles. A lot of people don't like to get off into religious stuff, but as crazy as it may sound...with this partiuclar subject....Church & family has always been my life. That was why I would probably have been the last person in town that people would have suspected doing what I did. Never in a million years would I ever thought I would be tempted to get involved in what I did. It was very subtle and before I knew it, I was hooked. But then, I couldn't let my H know and I had to make up excuses to stay home from church. However, he knew more than I thought he did......and so did my D.
I know I am saying things that I've said several times before. I look back at how I was then and I can't believe that was me! How could I have been ready and willing to sacrifice my entire life that I had lived for........to be content to have my evenings with strangers over the internet???? Of course, at the time, I was into an EA and was wanting to be free and have my own place in order to have a PA and also continue making my computer contacts. Wow! Unbelievable! I think somebody on drugs could look back during that time and wonder the same thing....how could they have been that blind and stupid.
Something in a woman's life has to be more important to her than the "feel good" fix she receives from her contacts over the internet. Something has to get her attention that will cause her to see what she is doing and that it is wasting her time and energy. It may be psudeo "fun" at the time.....but in the long run of things....it sure isn't worth it. Or, God forbid, something happens like it did to me when my grown D told me she knew what was going on. That pretty well did it up for me right then. I had to either stop doing what I was or else choose it over my family and them know what I was doing. I couldn't live with that. I had been struggling with my conscious, so all of it together helped to put me back on the right track. My role in the church placed a lot of pressure on me so it would have been very difficult for me to change my lifestyle and remain here. I probably would have had to move away....which of course, I could not afford to do. So that is one reason I tell men not to make it easier for the wives to move out of the house. At first, I had to risign myself to the fact I could not afford to live on my own income and that my H would not help support me. I also knew he would not allow me to return to him once I left and I knew it would turn my family inside out b/c my H and I were always seen as the "stong ones" eveyone leaned upon. I also realized that if I left my M that it would disappoint and hurt ao many people that respected us and looked at us a "roll models". Don't mean to leave the impression we are that "important", but it would hurt more people than just me and my H.
I think when I finally stopped to think that over and weigh it out, then I knew I could not be selfish enough to just think about what I wanted.
Well, I've rambled on and on. Hope it may have helped somebody a little bit.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi To my friend Lou.....thank you so much for your insight. In a lot of ways it helps me to know that men are not as shallow or hardhearted as I try to make them....lol Sandi, don’t think you alone make men shallow or hard-hearted. Men do it to other men too.
In other ways, it kind of hurts. ((((Sandi)))) I don’t intend to personalize or blame you for what you did/thought, or posted.
What I mean by that is that I think I needed to believe (as some others had said) that the OM had moved on to another woman and wasn't having withdrawal pains from the EA with me. I think he has moved on. I was just think, if I were the OM, how would I feel. Would I have thought about you? Would I have said to myself, flirting with Sandy was all in fun with no emotional attachment? Maybe some men and women can move on w/o thinking much about the A partner, but I don’t think I could. But then again, I would have been thinking about your H’s loss during the A.
To think that, made the temptation to contact him again less powerful. In some ways, I needed to believe that he did not have true feelings for me.....but in some ways, I can see where you felt less emotional about OM if you knew he moved on. I think caring people always think about the OP even if all is not perfect. I think lots of good people want the OP to not hurt. All this just shows you have a reasonable amount of concern for people in general, that you are not totally selfish. I think the OM/OW is like a drug and people need their fix. I know I need my fix with BB at times. In some ways I am a drug junkie, among other things, and that is why I and other people stay in a less than ideal relationship.
I guess I wanted to believe that I had meant something more than just a possible new sex partner. I suppose you wouldn’t know that till you had been with him for a while.
I was thinking some of the men and women on line in EA’s are needing things they can’t get at home. I was thinking the OM was a social inept person and couldn’t be brave enough to start a R with a woman, so he hid, so to speak, behind his computer to start a R. I was thinking nerd type or a someone that hasn’t developed enough social skills or someone with a poor self-image. But who knows what the OM was really like.
I hated to think that he was willing to see me risk everything for a couple of hours with him. Yes, I was thinking that too. Maybe some people cant see/think past their own short-term wants/needs. Maybe the OM thought you needed to be rescued. Maybe the OM thought why not get all he could regardless of your welfare and your H’s benefit, or lack there of.
Anyway, that is all in the past. Yes, and I am glad you are on the forum for any help you might need.
Like I said, I admire honesty and don’t expect people to be perfect. I do expect posters to learn from any mistakes they made and to benefit from other peoples mistakes. Life is a learning process. We can all learn a little something from each other. I do.
ScottyMack, you are stealing my thread and I'm glad you posted. I sure hope it does sink into your W's head. Sometimes other's people stitch can sort of get our eyes open....if will will allow it to.
That poor girl.....getting involved with the stepdad....he should be shot for taking advantage of her emotional state like that. Now the mom will be all upset too. What a mess!
I just hope your W overheard and took to heart what you said. Let me know how that stitch works out. I hope the girl can get her head on straight and certainly not decide to run off with the stepdad or something like that!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, your post from yesterday about being involved in church, has hit home with me. As I have said before, my W is heavily involved in church, and I am thinking that this is what is causing her to have such mood swings. I cant believe anyone that makes church important in their life will not have an attack of conscience when they do these things. I have to tell you about another website I have been on in the last week or so, and it talks about what causes the spouse to want to have an A or at the least an EA. Something is missing in their lives, such as affection, attention, sex, or a number of emotional things. These can be just a simple ILY, or you look good today, or sending flowers with a love note attached. When I think back to the last few years, I know that both of us had stopped doing those things, as we had such busy lives with 2 kids in high school. No excuse for any of this, and I am still kicking myself for not doing it. Still, the W did not do any of that for me, and I didnt go have an A. Last nite my W came home at her normal time, which was unusual b/c the D and boyfriend were not home. She would only come home early when she knew someone other than me would be there. Anyway, she had some pictures on the internet from her work which she showed me, and even had her outlook express email up at the time, which is the first time in probably 6 months that she allowed me to see something on the computer while she was there. Maybe this isn't anything, but i consider it a major improvement b/c before she would always have another screen up and when I would walk into the room, she would switch screens. I am hoping to God that the religion thing is weighing heavily on her and she is choosing to be with me and the family. I keep telling myself that if this D goes through, my family, and the kids will know what she has done. Sandi, thanks for your insight, as this is really helping me to understand what my W is going through. I thank all for their posts. I will let you know about my niece. My brother is going crazy right now with what is going on. I will continue to talk about that sitch as much as I can when my W is around, b/c I want her to know how devastating all this is.
Why can't you have an affair with your husband? Why are you looking elsewhere for things that HE can provide? If you WANT him, he will do ANYTHING to keep that.
Sandi, just a followup to what I posted earlier. I have been thinking about what happened last nite with the W showing me the pix from work. The facility that my W works at is fairly new. Used to be a old farmhouse and barn and they also had a spring house for water. They tore down the farmhouse and barn, but left the spring house and now everyone is interested in it and taking pictures. I think that my W knows that I am interested in old houses and such, and that is why she showed me the pix. Maybe she is trying to reach out to me to try and get us talking again. I cant believe that if she was so hell bent on D that she would even be interested in showing me anything. Hope that this was a small step forward. Maybe I will say something to her this weekend about her taking me out to show me what it looks like. Her reaction may tell me about what can happen in the future. Just hanging on the coaster......
