We got into it last night. W opened up her laptop and said "hmmm, just went to website and I was already logged in, haven't logged in today." I haven't snooped in around two months now, haven't cared to and vowed never to again. I got defensive because she was accusing me and I know based on my history she'll never believe me. Then of course she pointed out how my getting defensive was proof I was snooping. Can't win. We settle that peacefully enough, she apologized for making me feel bad but said it's hard for her to trust me. I told her I know, and it's hard for me because I know I lost her trust and there's not much I can do to regain it.
Somehow our future came up and she said something along the lines of "You know this isn't how I wanted things to turn out." I told her I know, but it hurts and it's really hard on me. She said that she does waffle on her decision because she doesn't want to be a failure, but she felt we would either slip into old patterns or just grow to resent each other with our current situation. I told her those weren't the only two options, that we could also try to create something that we could both be happy with. She said something along the lines of she's tried for years and I didn't care.
We pretty much left it there, I was feeling hurt and sad and pretty much shut down. Bad I know. She went to bed ticked off, didn't even say goodnight.
Today I sent her an email apologizing, kept it pretty brief but told her I wanted to use this separation to heal, that I was hurt and felt so unloved and I needed to deal with that before we can assess what may happen in the future. She responded with links to more apartments to check out.
I give. I won't give up hope but I'm done trying, at least for now. She has so much anger and resentment, and we can't get anywhere as long as she holds onto that. She doesn't see me as capable of changing or growing and doesn't believe things could ever be different, she sees no reason to try. I'm done trying to change her mind on any of that.
I'm going to pull away for a while. I need to move on, get over her, get over the resentment and hurt I feel for her giving up on our M. I need some space. I fully accept now that it's over. I'm done fighting it. Maybe at some point in the future she'll get to a place where she can forgive me and is willing to try. Maybe not. I need some me time. I can't go on in the current situation any more.
She sounds pretty sure it's over. That may change. I'm adopting a position of assuming it's over unless she actually tells me differently. I need to start working on my changes and my growth and my own life, for me. Not to prove to her that I'm worth being with. Just do it for me. Someday maybe she'll appreciate that. Or someone else will appreciate it.
Ready to move on. I'll keep the door cracked, but I'm not going to peek through it any more looking for her.
