Wiping off the day old candy from my clothes and sitting down to reflect for a moment. Thanks Cat for the "good vibes"...unfortunately I don't think they arrived or quite possibly they missed their mark!

I am coming up to the "anniversary" of the bomb and all its granduer this weekend 11-04. The past week was one of intensity within and of course for the sake of being redundant all too famaliar...(even I am bored of writing the same words). I could scour my thread and see constant remarks from myself that things are getting or back to where they once were before the bomb, this past weekend the "old script" was pulled out and we had a reunion performance.
The stress of the house has been bubbling for quite some time now and for some strange reason I was using pasts strategy to try and remedy the situation. I have been breaking my back trying to solve everything, constantly asking "is there anything else I can do for you?" I have looked over my shoulder to see the same things that plagued our relationship before. I dont go anywhere except for shuttling kids, domestic chores and occasionally a AA meeting here and there. My W has been cracking at the seams and the HUGE sighs are back, the quiet barbs in conversation and her "lashes" at everyone are in full cycle. She complained that she doesnt go anywhere with her friends, we dont go anywhere together and don't do anything together. She is right for the most part. I have told her that I have no problem with her going anywhere with her friends and that the reason she doesnt go anywhere with her friends is not because of me. She said that I dont plan for the sitter and plan evenings out anymore. Again, she is partly right. I told her that I had planned to go out of town to Las vegas or san Fran for our anniversary but she didnt want to. I had also planned for nights out but she either didnt feel well or wasnt up to it. I am a person that takes guilt rather freely. It comes often even when my hands are clean. I then told her what I have said countless times in the past, "WE have donated our lives to the children. Everything we do we do for them." The onlhy times we have together is watching TV for an hour or two in the evening. This is not one of my favorite pasttimes. I am ignorant enough, I dont need help draining my brain cells. I dont consider myself a "tv snob" it's just that I dont find much entertainment out of what programs the tv writers are "rehashing" old material or trying to shock me. With my life, "shocking" me is a tall order.
My W has mentioned more and more about the guy she works with and I recognize these remarks to be similiar to a year ago about "Lost boy". This time I feel much different though. Sadly, I really don't care anymore. I am kind of resigned to the fact that "it is what it is...you have to get companionship somewhere" I am giving what I can and for right now it's not enough. She keeps referring to "that girl" and that I am seeing her on the sly and that I am just going through the motions. None of this is true...I am happy for the upcoming change in my career but I feel at this moment I need to trigger a lot of changes. Meanwhile, while this is all carouseling through our heads our adjustable rate mortgage has gone up and the W is pleading for a refinance. I came up to her while she was on the computer and she was busy buying her stockload of clothes on ebay. I mentioned "Don't you think we should be waiting till after Christmas before we start buying things for ourselves?"
She shrugged her shoulders and said "you know that's what I do when I get depressed."
My oldest is still "swinging suicidal" his grades are still swirling in the academic toilet and none of my efforts have brought any fruit. I couldnt get a appt any sooner than next thurs. So I am WAAAAY stressed and concerned over this. I live my life like a bundle of emotions, always have....I cant be clinical. I am wondering if Psychs pushing pills for remedies isnt taking care of the problem, merely masking it.
S (11) has been gone to outdoor school all week and I hate to admit it but the house is a lot quieter. There was an episode getting him on the bus on SUN. It seems all the Myspace messages and texts was brought to my W attention from one of his schoolmates mom. She showed us all the "f ck you, STFU ...etc" statements taht he had sent and sia dtaht she was concerned over her daughter well being. We brought to her attention that road has two directions and we have been bombarded by texts, phone calls, computer time by her daughter as well with a sailors tongue. Funny , when we got home and checked his myspace her profile had all but disappeared. Our S swore that she was the one at fault and my W believed him...I actually don't. He can be a little swarmy and sneaky. But what I think evaporates as soon as it is spoken. That was brought up as well to my W and of course it was me "Being Paranoid and defensive"
Sooo...an wise wacky "sage" on these boards stated I need a vacation.....hmmmmm..."one mouse click away...once again." We had an OK time taking the little one out for Halloween last night but the streets strangely were vacant....much like my mind or heart I guess...Somewhere along the way I will learn..I am not playing games anymore, I am going to stick my finger down my throat in hopes I can regurgitate the guilt....peace all