Figured it is time to start my own thread again instead of hijacking others.
Current situation...
About a week ago, I asked W why she had seemed so distant recently and asked about scheduling a session with a different counselor. She said okay, but doesn’t think that she / we will get anything more out of it. She said she doesn’t think it will fulfill my expectations of finding a roadmap to correct the issues. We talked about the current counseling, and she said she hasn’t seen any improvement or change in attitude.
She then tells me that she went the other day to see a newe D attorney. Ugh.
She says that she doesn’t think there is a way to get back the feelings that should be there and she says she doesn’t want to try. She’s made up her mind and sees that the final resolution will be divorce. That she is just here now to get through the holidays so that it will be easier on the kids. She doesn’t want to commit to working through any program and is happy with how things are now. ???? How can anyone be happy with awkward and tense?? I told her that I couldn’t go through another three months of living like that and if she were sure that what she wanted was divorce, then why not just be done with it??
We talked about the kids a bit. I asked her if she thought that they were being affected by the situation. I told her that I thought I could see changes in our S. That he has been needy, clingy and whiney for a while now.
Her interactions with me for the past week have been very standoffish. It seems like she is almost trying to make thing unpleasant. Am working on myself now, but this is getting old.
Getting tired of this state of limbo, so I pushed the issue last night.
When we were lying in bed, I asked her what her feelings were now compared to our last discussion. She said that they haven’t changed. That she knew that she had no desire to work on our issues and that she wanted to get a divorce. I told her that I preferred to do it now instead of waiting until after the holidays as she had suggested. She didn’t know why I wouldn’t wait, so I told her that I didn’t want to go through the next two months in this limbo. That it was killing me. She agreed that we could start the process, but didn’t want to tell the kids until afterwards. We also talked about mediation vs litigation again. I told her that I had been considering going to me lawyer to file for adultery, with the only benefit being that I would have some vindication in the knowledge that it was documented as her fault. I agreed that we could try the mediation approach and that she should contact the lawyer she had been talking to get some details. I will probably contact my lawyer this week also to get his opinion.
It's weird how civil and even caring our conversations are at this point.
We also talked about the people I had met at the bar this past Friday. She asked me why I hadn’t asked her to go on the motorcycle ride they had invited me on this past Sunday. I told her that is was because I had expected one of the women I was interested in to go, but that she had eventually backed out. Told her that I did see this woman on Sunday night at a bar afterwards and that I was interested in seeing her again. She had quite a few questions about her, like if she had or wanted kids, what she did, where she lived. Nothing has really happened at this point, but the possibility is there. It was a weird conversation to be talking with my W about another woman, but I don't want secrets.
So we've agreed that we will be pursuing the big D, but I don't think she spoke to her lawyer today even though she left work early. The kids went out with groups of friends and parents so W and I were left alone in the house for a while. Things suddenly feel awkward when we are alone.
I had dropped a CD in her car this morning with songs that I've been listening to recently. Not particularly love songs. They actually progress from themes of 'how could things go so wrong' and 'things could work out' to 'it's over now'. Anyhow, I was curious if she had listened to it as she didn't mention anything about it. I went out to the garage and turned on the car and the CD that was playing was not mine, but a mix of mushy love songs. My stomach dropped.
I know... not the best DBing form. I asked her about my CD and she said she had listened to some of it. I told her that it was intended to show her how I've been feeling for the past four months. Then I mentioned the other CD I had found. Of course she got pissed.
Although we are talking about the D process, it is still not the way I really want all of this to go. Unfortunately, the more I find out and the more I think about what was happened, the more I believe that it wouldn't work any other way. I think the R ended the wrong way. I think it was more his decision than hers and she will always carry around this heartbreak. Knowing that she is still listening to her love song CD really made that clear to me. I really believe that if we were to reconcile, she wouldn't be able to put 100% into it and if the OG was available a year down the road, she would split in a heartbeat.
I had dropped a CD in her car this morning with songs that I've been listening to recently. Not particularly love songs. They actually progress from themes of 'how could things go so wrong' and 'things could work out' to 'it's over now'. .
Hopefor,
NO NO NO.
What the heck were you thinking?? She knows how you feel. This if anything pushed her father away. As for her "love songs" you do not know what she is thinking when she hears them. Is it the OM or maybe the way things used to be years ago between you two.
Husband
Last edited by husband; 11/01/0712:08 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I think the R ended the wrong way. I think it was more his decision than hers and she will always carry around this heartbreak. Knowing that she is still listening to her love song CD really made that clear to me. I really believe that if we were to reconcile, she wouldn't be able to put 100% into it and if the OG was available a year down the road, she would split in a heartbeat.
I'm starting to have the same feelings here. He ended it so she is still grieving and nowhere near thinking about our marriage. Will be posting about that myself soon.
Trying to be patient with it but not sure how long I can handle it.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
HFF, What have you two been working on in the marital counseling sessions?
You've got to operate from a position of strength. You seem like you've been knocked down and can't get up.
Decide if you want to fight for this M or not. If you do then start taking care of yourself--exercise, connection, cultivating a positive attitude. Your worth as a human being is not dependent on your W.
Are you reading Divorce Remedy? This is the foundation book for dealing with a marital crisis.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
hi hope. Sorry you are in this situation. Sounds like you are feeling resigned to your fate. This isn't the case and things can still turn around.
About OG being available. I asked H if OW was ready and willing (she is married), would he leave and go to her. He wasn't sure. I told him that I don't need that answer, but he needs to answer it himself, even if it never happens.
What the heck were you thinking?? She knows how you feel. This if anything pushed her father away. As for her "love songs" you do not know what she is thinking when she hears them. Is it the OM or maybe the way things used to be years ago between you two.
Husband
I know it was not the best strategy and probably a mistake. I think though that I'm at the point where I am comfortable with the idea of D. Both from a perspective of I know I can and will be happy without her, and also I am now doubting that she could truly find happiness with me at this point.
I know for certain that they were 'their' songs. I've seen things written and mentioned previously about some of these specific songs. She has said in the past that what she really wants is time to herself and really doesn't want to be involved in any relationship. I know this is not the truth and that she feels as though the OG is her soulmate. Understanding that, I think that even if she were to come back to me, she wouldn't commit 100%. At least that's where she is now. I'm pushing to move things forward at this point as I am ready to move on. If she at some point sees how much of a mistake she is making, I might consider trying again, but I need her to make the moves at this point. I will be working on making myself happy.
HFF, What have you two been working on in the marital counseling sessions?
The counselor has been focusing on my W's childhood and seems to think that her problems stem from this. My problem is that we haven't been working on the hear and now. How do we go forward and fix things in the present. I understand the past has a big impact on your personality, but I almost think this is best left to IC. I've suggested a different counselor. W said that she would go, but really didn't think it would make a difference and doesn't want to work on things now. She has resolved to ending it.
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You've got to operate from a position of strength. You seem like you've been knocked down and can't get up.
Decide if you want to fight for this M or not. If you do then start taking care of yourself--exercise, connection, cultivating a positive attitude. Your worth as a human being is not dependent on your W.
I think I am finding my strength more so now. I have detached and am working on making myself happy. She has seen the changes and commented on that. I know that I will be happy without her as my W. I know I don't need her to make me happy.
Quote:
Are you reading Divorce Remedy? This is the foundation book for dealing with a marital crisis.
CL
Have read and reread Divorce Busters. Have tried most of the techniques with little or no results. There was a point where she had turned around and seemed committed to working on things, but she has completed turned around at this point.
hi hope. Sorry you are in this situation. Sounds like you are feeling resigned to your fate. This isn't the case and things can still turn around.
LWB, I'm sorry we're all in this situation. Pretty crappy all around and none of us deserve this.
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About OG being available. I asked H if OW was ready and willing (she is married), would he leave and go to her. He wasn't sure. I told him that I don't need that answer, but he needs to answer it himself, even if it never happens.
I know her feelings for OG are still very strong and I wish the A had ended differently. My biggest fear is that we would be working through things and she would get another oppurtunity. I don't want to have that hanging over my back. I have a lot to offer and will focus on keeping my kids happy.
