Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Wow, we had an exchange this morning! And it all started because my son left the toilet plugged up. LOL

I am still shaking like a leaf, I can barely type. I was proud that I did remain calm, a few tears leaked out but I am a cryer. But I didn't bawl, just leaked.

My husband started in on my son being what I thought was very critical, raising his voice and coming down hard on him because he left the toilet plugged overnight. I just had to interject because I didn't feel it was THAT bad, just a mistake or carelessness on my son's part but not worth of a yelling match before school. So I said "please calm down" and H kind of looked at me funny. Then when my S went in to fix the toilet, I said "I don't believe yelling at him is necessary" And my H said "I am not yelling" and I said "well you are raising your voice and being very stern". Then my husband thought for a moment and said"I find it funny that you are telling me I am being critical when you used to yell at him and do the exact same things" I said " I think there are more effective ways of teaching him right than yelling and being critical" I calmly said"But I am changing, that is a person I don't want to be". He said "Well I'm glad you are changing". That was that for the moment.

Then after we rounded up everything for school and my son out the door, I said to my H "I agree that I have been that way in the past, but I am changing and I no longer want to be that person. I just wish you could see that and look inside yourself as well". I could see some anger boiling to the surface on his face and he said "I am glad you are changing, but I still think you are just playing games with me, for who knows how long you were playing games with me to get my attention or to get me to react to you". I again said "I agree with you (Im learning!!)I did do those things because I didn't know how to deal with you not sharing". He said"Well I just don't know what to believe in you because for 15, 17 years you acted this way" I said" Oh Stewart, I was probably this way for 4-5 years of our marriage and that is a very small percentage of our marriage and I am changing and want to be the person I used to be, but better". He said "Well maybe I am just not used to seeing you this way and haven't seen this in a long time, so I don't understand it". I said " I know" and he said "I'm glad your are changing and maybe I need to change too."

And then he had to leave to get my son to the bus stop. But Whew!!! That was the first exchange we have had regarding our R and I didn't bring up any of the R stuff first, he did. Plus I find it ironic that it all started from a toilet. LOL, perhaps that is symbolic of where our marriage was, :D.

So, how do you all think I did? I am getting better at this Puddle and Heim! I hope I did you proud, because I certainly feel a tad better. It was a symbolic baby step I thought.

Plus, we have our S's counseling this afternoon, and my H had asked a few days ago if we really needed to go...I said "well I think that is up to our S". My H said he thought that our S was actually doing quite well. That shocked me because it shows he has really not been paying attention to anyone but himself. Imagine that. So we consulted our S and he said he still wanted to go. My H still thinks that just because people are not talking about the bad things that everything is ok. Thats how I feel about 180ing and LRTing on him because he thinks everything is ok. But he did open up this morning, so it's a start.

Gosh my nerves are shot at the moment. SIGH.