Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey ST, Heim, L2, pm, and GD!

The kids had a *great* time, went as Darth Vader and Batman. We have some crazy neighbors who turn their front yard into a pirate ship, don these opera-worthy costumes, have a 12-foot octopus hanging over the gate, and fire candy at the kids from a cannon while haranguing them with pirate lingo. We always go there last---it's amazing.

Hey Heim,

Hope you had a fantastic time with the girls and aren't lying there in a sugar coma.

Isn't this when, from what I've read of the success stories, the WAS keeps walking or starts looking back? Either way, keep on trucking.

I think I know what you're saying, but what I'm wondering is whether my apparent hope that H does not change his mind is affecting him, pushing him away. I think it's a little different.

ST:

I would hate for you to be so focused on yourself and so focused on how bad the M really was that you decide it's too much work to work it out (just like the WAS did however long ago).

I'm trying very hard to keep the focus on me, and I don't think I'm focusing on how bad the M was. In retrospect, there are many things I would've liked to change myself and for H to have done differently. But none of those were so awful that I would've ended the M over them. The question about whether it would just be too much work is one I haven't spent a lot of energy pondering, but at first consideration it does feel totally overwhelming.

It sounds like your not THAT far there yet, it was just your comment of "I'm hoping he doesn't change his mind".

I think that's a combination of the overwhelming thing and the fact that H is someone I don't like very much right now---a powerful cocktail.

I think just looking forward to a great man that you will find (which could possibly end up being your H) is okay.

I think I'm going to focus on looking forward to a great new life by myself, maybe with an attractive cabana boy on the periphery.

Hey pm, thanks for stopping by! Man, I'm sorry to hear about your little brother! That's horrendous.

And I feel like there is a point where we get detached and it feels very strange. Perhaps also something we have never felt before.

Wherever I am right now does feel a bit strange, and definitely nothing I remember feeling before.

Hey GD!

However, for me there is still a lingering disappointment in that we didn't try everything and whether the storm together and come out with a stronger, healthier R. It's unfortunate.

That's my biggest disappointment in H, I just wish I could be sure that *I'm* willing to give it everything---or that at least I was for a while---and all the DBing in the world won't tell me that for sure. He'd have to throw the ball back in my court, and he hasn't. In a sense I get the easy way out, know what I mean? I get to say to myself, "Hey, I was willing, but H wouldn't give it a go..." Weathering the storm is an experience I'd like to have in my hip pocket for the next R, but I'll have to learn that one next time around, I think.

No sense in trying if you don't want him to come back. Do you really feel that way? At this point I wish I did!

Right now I feel that way, though I recognize that that could change. And again, not sure how not trying would look any different than trying. I think I'm wondering whether not wanting him affects what I'm doing/projecting, etc, that then reinforces the not wanting.

Can I *choose* to continue to want him?

Have you reflected on what you contributed to the M that caused H to leave in this first place (and do you feel they were justified reasons for H to leave?).

Thanks, GD, this is all good stuff. Getting back to the basics is probably where I should be right now.

I'm going to go back (for myself) to reexamine my contributions. I don't think H was justified in leaving, but I completely understand how he reached that conclusion.

If so, have you done 180s on these "more of the same" behaviors, and have you kept them consistent?

My big issues, as I see them, revolve around emotional vulnerability (I've shown H more of this here and there, especially recently, and will continue to do so) and sexual intimacy (haven't had a chance regarding that one; working on it for the next R---difficult without a partner!).

Also, have you worked on being more physically attractive (new clothes, working out, hair style change, etc)?

GD, you have no idea how good I look. But seriously, yes to all the above, and I'm feeling pretty attractive these days.

Have you read the 5 LL and have you determined what his primary LL is and have you attempted to meet it in any subtle ways that don't suggest pursuing?

I'm pretty sure he's a physical affection guy; see how we got here? And no, I haven't figured out how to fill that cup without actually touching him. Any suggestions?

Hey L2, nice to see you back!

And Puddle, I hope you didn't read any sanctimony in my earlier comments to you

I didn't, but I'm going to go back right now and read it more carefully!

I can't remember whether you and H have talked about what your kid-sharing may look like once he moves out

We've discussed it a bit re: S but not legal D. Right now we're talking about H coming here to spend time with the kids on the weeknights I usually am out and taking them one weekend day, either here or going out somewhere. We've never talked about them spending the night with him, though he may want to. That's all yet to be determined.

will that be complicated by your homeschooling, or does it actually simplify things by them being with you most of the time?

Funny, H just came in to have a big talk about all this exact stuff. I'm too tired to even think about it right now, but it looks like the kids will be with me all week (physically, though I'll go out a couple of evenings while H stays here) and maybe with him a weekend day or even a weekend. Homeschooling means that there's no school to take them to, so weekday nights with H don't make a lot of sense. Oh, who knows.

Just if he does a 360, in a reasonable amount of time, and realizes what a doofus he's being, I hope if you're well and truly moved on, it's because you've well and truly moved on and not just "shut down."

Heim, this is exactly it---exactly my concern. I want to be sure I've gone through, not around, all the stuff I need to figure out for me.

Of course, whether or not I'm "shut down" in regards to just him or everyone is another question...and one I'm too tired to contemplate.

You know, H was curled up at the bottom of the bed just now as we were talking, and I was thinking about reading posts here that say things like, And I just wanted to reach out and touch her! Tell him I love him! Hold her! etc etc, and I thought, nope.

G'night all. Take care.