I think you're right. He said and did all the right things three years ago. I thought he'd really 'got it' back then.
My biggest fear isn't that it can't be repaired. The damage is actually much less this time than in the past. And I know I can heal...I was pretty close before...
I'm just afraid of doing this all again. Not of rough patches or anything like that...but him actually leaving. Again.
I think it would be awhile before I would feel safe about that.
1. Fear it will go back the way it was. This may also be fear that he hasn't changed enough. (He asked me the other day if I thought he was doing 'better'. I think he's doing awesome!)
2. Fear I will stay grumpy/will hold it against him forever. (They are all afraid of this one. That's why consistency is important.)
3. Parts of his "new" social life are cozy, and he doesn't want to give them up. I don't think it's necessarily because he's heavily emotionally involved...at least, not moreso than with me...just isn't sure if it's worth the change at this point. (What would he gain? What would he lose?)
4. Things I've said when really, really hurt that I thought I meant at the time. lol Usually along the lines of "I wouldn't date you again because of xyz." (We've both agreed that he needs to go sloooow at first in any new R he starts, with whomever, to help identify his triggers.)
You hang in there girl. Consider the times you had to pick yourself up with all of his leavings you are amazingly strong and resilient. Fear is the path to the darkside. :P As people keep telling me, if it's meant to be then everything will work out in the end.
I think eventually it'll come to a point where a) He works through his issues and he stays for good, or b) You realize this is going to be a life time struggle for him and he will keep running away and you probably will make a choice to stick with him or let go depending how much you are willing to take.
Just remember what they say about self fullfilling prophecies?
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I don't know if I'm resilient or stupid. lol I'm kidding...actually, I'm fairly easy-going, that's all. Maybe it helps that xh and I talk so much about all of this...I can hear the confusion and stress for him. I keep thinking if he could just make it through...doesn't have to fix everything, just the stuff that has been sabotaging his past R's...
Anyway.
Quote:
a) He works through his issues and he stays for good, or b) You realize this is going to be a life time struggle for him and he will keep running away and you probably will make a choice to stick with him or let go depending how much you are willing to take.
Yeah, I know. That's what I decided months ago. I think it'll be awhile before I 'know' for sure...
We joked last night that he's been basically having a MLC the last three years--except he's not middle-aged. I do think it's the same thing, tho. Major psychological crisis for him. Poor guy.
Oh, I did the reverse of a comment he made the other day. :grin" He told me last night he doesn't want to date, because our friendship would have to change. (Less emotional intimacy, no overnights, etc.) Sounds like he's still in limbo, and is unsure of what it is he wants. Not much I can do about that; it's his problem, not mine.
Well, he's put a hiatus on the sex. Stopped about a month ago. Says it's 'not right'. (But, yeah, we still sleep in the same bed. Ooookay....)
(Yes, he even admits he has a really weird idea of dating/M. He's been trying to get that straightened out for the last year. The classic case of having never seen any kind of healthy relationship...these are things he and I have discussed...)
Oh. But we are having lunch today. See? How mixed up is this? I sometimes wonder if he doesn't see the cake-eating for what it is, because he has no frame of reference to understand it with. We have this 'married' type of relationship...minus the 'married' or 'committed' part. (Come on, we budget together!) Haha.
I know at some point I will layit all out to him. What I expect of a M, what is okay with me, what is not. And that what we are doing now is a lot like being M. I will do it in a non-judgmental way. The time to do that, for me, is not yet. I'm not sure what I'm waiting on...just trusting my gut. He does talk a lot about wanting the married life, being settled with family, etc--and I know that 'us' is still an option. And no, it's not really something I'm waiting on from him.
In a way, I'm cake-eating, as well. While we're minus the 'committed' part, I feel more emotionally fulfilled than I have in the last few years. I'm hesitant to risk that. And I feel he's still doing some healthy digging... I also feel like I'm still working on some of my own issues, and I don't want to put that pressure on me. The space thing allows us both to breath, and resolve those nasty inner problems.
My rough game plan has been that, if he were to bring it up, we could calmly take turns explaining what we both want and need out of a M. And then I would ask for couples' counseling. If he agreed to go, fine; if not, I would start for myself. We would not rush into it...just continue to do the living apart thing for awhile.
Okay, that was long-winded. lol I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm oddly happy with the current state of our limbo.
(Wow. I really put a ton of typos in my last reply... lol)
No, he's afraid of dating other people because he would lose the sex, intimacy, etc. with me. He's hesitant to date me because he'd have to pull back/redefine his friendships with a couple of his FF's. (They are genuinely currently non-romantic, but after the last few years, his own A, etc., he recognizes the potential for trouble there.)
Is that more clear??
BTW, I realize a lot of this is just him sort of 'dumping out' random thoughts that come across his brain...I don't really believe he gives them all equal weight ...it's just interesting for me to review it all.
Do you think he's more sitting at a "comfort" zone and he is afraid to really change anything as in moving in any which direction? A lot of fear that he may lose that "comfort" if things change....
It is nice that you are emotionally fullfilled and happy. I'm sensing perhaps he's feeling a bit of that too....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Do you think he's more sitting at a "comfort" zone and he is afraid to really change anything as in moving in any which direction?
I think that's only a small part of it. If I thought he was that much of a jerk, I wouldn't hang out with him so much.
My gut says he's afraid of making the wrong choice, or trying to date (anyone) too soon. I suspect he's afraid he's not 100% 'fixed' yet, and is afraid of ruining another workable R.
He did ask me the other day if I thought he was better. We both joke about 'old' him versus 'new' him.
Not that it matters much to me what's in his head... ...that would be too much focusing on him. I just find it all very interesting.
See? How mixed up is this? I sometimes wonder if he doesn't see the cake-eating for what it is, because he has no frame of reference to understand it with. We have this 'married' type of relationship...minus the 'married' or 'committed' part. (Come on, we budget together!) Haha.