I explained to him how my guard is up right now and I am not ready to let anyone in yet. I also told him that I wanted him to be as careful with is heart as I am being with mine, but I don't think he is listening to that advice. It sucks because I care about him and really don't want to hurt him. I just don't think this is going to end well, though.
Yeah, that's kind of my feelings on the matter too. For me, I know for a fact that this girl and I have nothing in common other than dancing, and that we're in two totally different places emotionally, as well as with maturity. It's simply physical for me (which is better than emotional), and I'm hoping that she isn't too attached to the idea of making some sort of an R with me (though I can't say I blame her! jk).
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Should this go on your date/not date thread?
Definitely! Mine probably should too!
MN,
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Well done on moving on, GD.
Well, getting closer anyway. I'm accepting the reality and inevitability of things almost completely, but still think about her and what she's thinking too much (I REALLY WISH I COULD STOP!).
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I'm sorry I don't comment much on other people's threads, esp. when they comment so much on mine. I guess I just don't have as much advice to give as folks here do. So, supportive comments when they seem called for is about what I can do
No worries, brotha -- supportive comments are great too! The more you learn/discover/realize, the more you'll be able to contribute. It all comes with experience. However, I think getting ideas from newbies who don't feel too knowledgeable can be good too. The more perspectives, the better -- and oftentimes I think those of us who've been here for a while forget about some things regarding DBing.
Thanks for stopping by, MN!
Heim,
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You've gone from someone who wanted to control your W with lots of anger issues to someone who is still willing to take his W back after she moved onto a boyfriend and now you feel guilty -- after 8 months of separation -- for having sex with a hot 19 year old. You are my hero.
Well, on Nov. 6th we'll actually have been separated for a year, but whose counting?
I don't feel guilty for what doing this means for my R/M with W, but for what it might mean for the girl I slept with. Hope it'll be no big deal with her if I tell her I'm not interested in pursuing any kind of R with her. I could honestly care less for what W might think about it. I think that going shopping at her store with the two girls before going on our road trip was a big step forward in getting to this point. Thanks for pushing me forward on that!
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I also think this will help you detach from your W. Now, the same thing could've been achieved with some heavy duty flirting maybe, but you do really think about your W a lot. In the last few weeks, you've seemed to move away from that.
Totally agree with this
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If I were to guess, based on nothing but intuition, she's probably questioning her choices. As you say though, she has a lot of pride and you both caused each other a lot of hurt.
If she does, I've come to believe that she only does because of the difficulty in her new lifestyle. Not because I've changed, am changing, she misses me, etc. I just don't think she feels that way at all, and I think that realization is what has helped me with my acceptance of things too. I don't want her to come back out of convenience -- I want her to come back because she loves me again, and am starting to realize that this is likely to NEVER happen. I've done too much damage (and it makes me sick).
I realize that I never complimented her enough on being a hard worker, loving mother, intelligence, etc, but instead criticized her in all of these areas if she did anything to jeopardize her credibility in these areas. I was a stickler, a controller, and a complete A-hole. I want to be able to give her compliments once in a while with regard to these things, but don't want her to take it as pursuing. I really want her to know that I am proud of her and who she is, and am sorry for being so anal about little things over the years. I want her to know that I'm sincere in saying these things, and that I will always mean them no matter what becomes of our R. I just wish she could believe me without thinking I'm just blowing smoke up her #ss. I wish she knew for sure that my kindness and good intentions from here on out are only genuine and have no alterior motives; that they are a part of me and who I am/want to be.
I just don't think she feels that way at all, and I think that realization is what has helped me with my acceptance of things too. I don't want her to come back out of convenience -- I want her to come back because she loves me again.
Totally agree with that second sentence -- you don't want to be the fallback choice. However, you don't know what she's thinking/feeling. Don't mindread, eh?
I can't recall, did you ever write her an apology? If you want her to know it's genuine, what until after the D is final and tell her how you sorry you are for having made her feel poorly. After teh D, if she thinks you're still pursuing, that's her problem. Just something to think about.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Quote: I just don't think she feels that way at all, and I think that realization is what has helped me with my acceptance of things too. I don't want her to come back out of convenience -- I want her to come back because she loves me again.
Totally agree with that second sentence -- you don't want to be the fallback choice. However, you don't know what she's thinking/feeling. Don't mindread, eh?
I know I don't know for sure, but it's been a year, and I'm no closer to my goals. I'm pretty sure I know how she feels today, though it is true those feelings can change at some point down the road. I just don't think they will with W.
And yeah, I did write her a letter a week for 4 weeks, outlining all of the things that I realized I did wrong, the ways I had hurt her, etc. They were apology letters, but they were soaked with pursuit too (this all occurred 1 month prior to discovering DBing). She did tell me at one point that she appreciated them because they gave her closure, and that they were right on the money. However, I have realized even more since then and would like to be able to write one more letter that addresses everything (including the other things I wrote about), but that doesn't contain any pursuit, guilt-trips, neediness, etc. I just want to write her a genuine apology with everything included for MY closure now. I think doing so after the D is a good idea, Heim. If she reads it as pursuit, you're right -- it is her problem. I would, however, love to hear her apologize for her mistakes over the years (but I don't believe that will ever happen, and I have to be okay with that -- she's never been the emotion-disclosing type).
GD, All good thoughts. Esp. writing her a final letter after the D.
One other thought from my side: Do you think it could be possible that you really only want another chance with her out of a desire to prove that you can do it right, not out of a desire to be with her? If so, do you think this could really ever work?
Mostly rhetorically asked!
You're in a great path, stick to it.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
One other thought from my side: Do you think it could be possible that you really only want another chance with her out of a desire to prove that you can do it right, not out of a desire to be with her? If so, do you think this could really ever work?
Great question! I always love your insight and perspective -- so valuable and refreshing! I must admit I never looked at it that way, and now that I have I think you might have made an interesting find. I mean, it very well could be (if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, and I think I should ). On the other hand, I do still miss her very much -- I miss the good times we had, the life we were building together, having her by my side and her support, etc. There were many good things about her that I ignored because I focused on all of the little things she did wrong. I think that maybe I want to reconcile for both reasons: because I want to prove I can "do it right" the second time around AND because I miss and love her.
I appreciate your thoughts, SD! Thanks a bunch!
Some journaling,
Okay, today was a new step in my detachment and getting over my W (and with bettering myself). After my workout this morning, I got a message from the school nurse that S5 was sick and that the were calling mom since they couldn't reach me. I then called W and found out that she was on her way to get S5 (she sounded a little preturbed and I told her that I just found out he was sick because I had been at the gym, but I wasn't too far away and could pick him up now if she wanted to return to work. She replied with, "Well I'm almost there and I've already burned the gas, so I might as well get him," (A little bit of a guilt trip, eh?). The rest of the convo basically went like this:
Me: (friendly) Well, I can give you the money for gas since he was my responsibility today. W: Okay Me: And I can still take him -- I was planning on taking him to the doctor today after school anyway (he has some sort of skin infection). W: (being nicer) I can take him if you already have plans today or something you need to do. I've already got someone to take over at work. Me: I don't, so it's not a problem. But if you are wanting to take him then that's fine too. I haven't made a Dr appt yet so I can do that and then pick him up before his appt. W: Okay, that's fine. I guess I can take him to lunch, but don't know if I have enough money (about $5 left in her checking acct until tomorrow). Me: Well, if you want you can stop by my house on you way back home and I'll give you gas money and some money for McDonald's. W: Are you sure? Me: (nicely) Yeah. W: Okay -- oh, and I also tried to call Allstate and take me off the care insurance but they never returned my call. Me: Okay, that's cool. W: Alright, well I'll see you in a few minutes. Me: Okay, I'm almost home. W: Okay, bye. Me: Bye.
During the convo she also told me that she took her name off of the phone bill, and complained about some things regarding the customer service. I validated her feelings -- "no way!" "what an idiot!" etc -- which she seemed to appreciate (her tone of voice hinted at this as I had reinforced her feelings/thoughts).
I thought it was interesting that she was willing to still pick up S5 even though she didn't have to anymore, because doing so meant that I had to see her later to pick him up. Tried not to read into it too much, and just let it go.
I called her and told her I'd be picking him up a little before 2:00.
When I got there, she answered the door and told me that S5 had to go get his shoes on. She then invited me in (which was a surprise because a) it is her and her BF's house, and b) she's never done that before (I've waited outside). I said cool and went in.
Well, guess who was sitting on the couch when I walked in? Ding! Ding! Ding! Her BF! W went in the back to help S5 and left BF and I in the living room. I just looked at him (he was kind of shying away from looking at me, as he was texting or playing a game on his phone) and said:
Me: (friendly and upbeat) Hey man! How's it going? BF: (friendly -- and a maybe a little surprised) Good. How are you? Me: Doin' good. [pause] So did you guys have a good Halloween (I had the kids Halloween night)? BF: Yeah, we got a few hits (trick or treaters). How about you? Me: Yeah, we had fun. (laughing) The kids brought in quite the hall! BF: (laughing) Oh yeah? Some big bags, huh? Me: Yeah.
W came back in with S5, and we had some small talk about a few S5 things, I joked around w/ S5 for minute, he kissed mom goodbye and we left. I told them goodbye as I was leaving, and they said bye too.
I was very please with myself. I wasn't even prepared for that sitch, but I had no anger in me at all. Their R is reality, and I'm really coming to accept that. They might even be getting along better now, and if they are then that's fine too. I hope he'll get his head out of his ass and treat her right (since I didn't for so many years and she deserves it). If she's not going to stay with or come back to me, then I hope she'll find someone else that knows how to give her love and respect. All I can do now is be a good friend and treat her with decency and respect. Whether or not we ever reconcile, this is my goal, and I hope that things will someday be naturally comfortable between us.
Awesome feeling after I left -- awesome feeling! This is what this journey is about: changing old behaviors and growing into the best me that I can be! I wonder if W and/or BF were surprised that I intiated friendly conversation with BF...?
That is great how awesome you felt after that exchange. I find it really interesting how you seem to still have feelings for your W, but are detached enough that you could be in the same room w/ BF, act as if, and feel great afterwards (not consumed with anger, jealousy, etc). I don't know that I could have done that if I still loved my H.
GD well done , I am very impressed and it just speaks truckloads about your character. One thing I think a lot of us have through this experience grown so much as people and learned so much. I hope we can all take these lessons with us for life and into our new relationships. Those new relationships for some will be with thier S's for others it wont but thats OK to , those that have stuck this out are all winners in the end.
I realize that I never complimented her enough on being a hard worker, loving mother, intelligence, etc, but instead criticized her in all of these areas if she did anything to jeopardize her credibility in these areas. I was a stickler, a controller, and a complete A-hole. I want to be able to give her compliments once in a while with regard to these things, but don't want her to take it as pursuing. I really want her to know that I am proud of her and who she is, and am sorry for being so anal about little things over the years. I want her to know that I'm sincere in saying these things, and that I will always mean them no matter what becomes of our R. I just wish she could believe me without thinking I'm just blowing smoke up her #ss. I wish she knew for sure that my kindness and good intentions from here on out are only genuine and have no alterior motives; that they are a part of me and who I am/want to be.
Wow, I needed to get that out.
GD
Oh my goodness, GD. I could only wish my h would be thinking these things. I wish I would not be suspicious even if he did say/do what you have written.
He is currently not speaking to me. Now I feel like the WAW. Go figure....
jk).
