Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Me again,
I wrote this at 5 am because i woke up with my mind full of thoughts again. I have been thinking if he asks me about divorce mediation again maybe I should suggest he move out with her...or move out in general. If he broaches the convo I think I would say"Look, I understand you want something else right now and that's ok. I've been reading a lot on marriages and if we were mature about this we'd say"I've been a bad wife/H what can I do to make this better and we'd tell each other what we could do to make it better. But I realize you're not in that place to hear that right now and you haven't been since you met her and because you want something else. So have you given any thought to moving in with her?" Because I know that's what you want right now. And I think you should to give us more space, because I just am not ready for a Divorce Mediation right now. I'm not ready and I don't think we are either, but maybe that would give you the space and freedom you need.

What do you all think of this? I may reword some things but...don't have time at the moment. It took everything I had this morning to NOT start this convo with him...I literally bit my tongue.

Hugs to you all

[Pudmuddle]

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[Pudmuddle]

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[Puddle]

Hey pm,

if he asks me about divorce mediation again maybe I should suggest he move out with her...or move out in general.

I wouldn't do that. I understand you think it might speed up the end of the infatuation phase, but pushing the WAS out the door is something plenty of folks have done and later regretted.

Take the focus off H and what's going on in his mind, with the OW, etc, and put all that energy into *you.* What are you doing for yourself? I'm not asking in regards to your M, but just for you as a person.

You're trying to control your H's R, and you can't. Let it run its own course. If you did ask him to leave and he moved in with her, then that imploded, he might even blame you for pushing him out. Regardless, he needs to walk his own path in his own time. Unfortunately, you don't get to determine that path for him.

Even the talk you brainstormed is full of stuff about him. Shift your focus!

if we were mature about this... But I realize you're not in that place

This "WE'D be mature" is hooey; you're talking about H, which you make clear when you follow it with "YOU'RE not in a place..." You're calling him immature, which may be true, but it's not constructive.

Because I know that's what you want right now.

How do you know that? Has he said it? If not, you're making a big assumption. Personally, if my H told me he knew what I wanted, it'd get my hackles up.

I just am not ready for a Divorce Mediation right now.

That's reasonable to say, I think. How about, "You know, this has all been very sudden, and I need some time to process it. I'm not ready for mediation right now." That's all about you and what you want and need. Stick to that and you'll be fine.

It took everything I had this morning to NOT start this convo with him...I literally bit my tongue.

Good for you! Do you know about the 48-hour rule? It says to sit on stuff like this for 48 hours before you say or do anything. It gives you time to consider the options, the consequences, and be sure you're doing whatever it is for the right reasons.

Right now I think you'd be acting out of impatience. Another pusher among us! But pm, you're going to have to really embrace patience. This is a very long haul. Take some time to focus on you. Let H do what he'll do.

Take care.

[Pudmuddle]

THANK YOU PUDDLE!

I am so glad I chose to write this here instead of actually say it. I know my convos are still all full of "Him" things and I am trying desparately to work on the wording, that is so hard!!

I can see now you are right about everything that I wrote, and I appreciate the advice about the 48 hours - I will bite my tongue until it bleeds.

Sincerest Thank yous Puddle.

On another note: I was standing in my closet deciding what shirt to wear with my new size 12 pants I had on(I've lost 15 pounds) and he came in to iron his shirt. I didn't say anything but I could feel him staring at my back. He said" Are those new pants?" I said "why yes!, size 12s!!" And he said "Yes, I can see that!" So I chuckled and said "were you looking at my a**?" (an inside joke we have with each other in the days of yore) and he said: "Yes, yes I was". Then I left the closet chuckling to myself. HE IS NOTICING. a baby step...

[LostInMN]

Funny, my wife had a comment about her a$$ last night too, but in a different vein...

I'd bought The Worn Out Woman and The Walk Out Woman for her a few days ago, they arrived at the house yesterday. A week ago, I'd made a comment that she was losing weight from her hips, I could see it in her profile when she had her sweats on. Last night when I got home, she pleasantly thanked me for the books, informed me that although it was kind of me to be worried about her, she wouldn't be reading them, and that she thought it funny that the one was named Walk Out Woman. When I asked why, she said "Remember the comment about my a$$ getting smaller? That's all you're going to see when I'm walking out."

Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant evening.

[nephartiti]

PS, Puddle has excellent advice about your prepared convo. Hopefully he doesn't bring up mediation again. If he does, you just keep the focus on you. Don't over respond. It is enough to say you are not ready or it is not what you want.

I think your ideas for 180's are good. Considering the past for you and your H, I think it will help build trust and demonstrate that you are willing to walk the walk. Hopefully he will eventually follow your lead.

As far as LL, I would start doing the experiment the author recommends. If you think he is an Act of Service guy. Start doing a little one every day and see how he responds. Give it a few weeks. If that doesn't work, try the next one. You don't necessarily need him to read the book and take the quiz. Experiment. Again, hopefully he will eventually be willing to follow your lead.

Baby steps are great. It is definitely a good sign that he noticed. Keep taking care of you!

[Heimlich]

Just to reinforce what Puddle said, Joan, focus on you. You have to stop worrying about what your H is doing. Puddle's smart people, especially since I agree with her points

Good for you for losing weight. Keep it up and keep doing it the smart way with diet and exercise and not the "I can't eat because my stomache is in knots" DB diet. He's noticing. That's good.

Biting your tongue until it bleeds is almost always a good idea.

Lost, man, that's a harsh comment. Sorry you had to hear that.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Lost, Neph, Heim,

thanks for the words of encouragement. I find this SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO helpful in helping to change my misguided ways. Does anyone have any advice on how to remember to take the focus off of him when I am speaking? Any helpful hints, tips, tricks, interpretive dances? I just find it so hard to think that way, I know it will get easier as I practice.

Lost, I am so sorry to hear that, that must've struck you in your gut for her to say that. From what I've learned here, stop trying to help her, just take the books back and read them yourself. It will help you be a better you! If I can help you in any way let me know. Start making yourself look darn better too! She will notice...especially if you don't say anything about it or why you are doing it. Good luck Hon!


Hi Neph! Thanks for returning to my post. It's good to see the feedback I get here reinforced, so it at least let's me know I'm heading in the right direction. And I have noticed he has started doing kind things for OTHERS, not me yet, but he is being a kinder person in general, so I saw that as a positive. He actually went around a cash register while we were waiting in line at the grocery store, to help an old couple who could not manage getting their groceries out! When he came back I said"that was very kind-hearted" and patted his back. I think this kind of showed him I believe in him whereas I hadn't displayed that before.

Thanks Heim! I appreciate your point of view as well, you be smart peeps too. I actually had lost 7.5 pounds of that in one week due to the DB diet, lol. But hey I still walk and am eating healthy, so it keeps a'comin off. Yay me.

[Puddle]

Hey pm,

You're sounding good! I love the comment you made to H about your ass---humor is something we LBSs often lose, and it's so very valuable. Keep those good vibes between you and H going!

Does anyone have any advice on how to remember to take the focus off of him when I am speaking?

First off, don't initiate any R talks with H---keep it light and friendly. If he wants to talk, LISTEN and validate. You really don't need to talk about him at all. Sometimes we're so used to our spouses that we think we know what they mean even if it's not what they're saying. Be very attentive; hear what he's saying. If you're unclear, ask him: "Are you saying ....?"

pm, I get the impression you're a big talker. This listening and validating may take some practice, but you're right: you'll get better and better at it. You'll learn a lot about where H is and he'll get the warm and fuzzies from having you really hear him, especially if what he's saying is hurtful. Being heard is powerful.

When he came back I said"that was very kind-hearted" and patted his back. I think this kind of showed him I believe in him whereas I hadn't displayed that before.

Good, keep these experiments going and see how H reacts.

But hey I still walk and am eating healthy, so it keeps a'comin off. Yay me.

Yay you indeed. Well done.

Take care.