Her mom and father don't sleep in the same house and I have never heard them say to each other, "I love you," never seen them hold hands, never seen a dialogue about anything other than the next meal.
My parents are similar, (apart from the not sleeping in the same house thing, and they do practically everything together so always have stuff to talk about). Same with my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles. As a result, I'm not overt with the affection either, at least not around family. I'd just feel weird being all lovey dovey with H in front of my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't still love my H.
I'm not really surprised your W was so cold to you. Imagine if she'd been having an A, and you knew about it, and she knew you knew about it, but she just went on having it anyway. Would you think any emotion you got from her was sincere?
As for her coldness before your A, that sounds like a case of you guys not having dealt with the stuff surrounding her first pregnancy. But you both probably didn't know how to deal with it, and maybe you even just hoped things would get better on their own, so you didn't see the need to get into it back then. I think you've gotta go into it now though. It might feel like ancient history, but if you don't address where the problems started, then they'll never really get fixed.
I think it's fantastic that you're finally doing the right thing, and much of what you wrote I would dearly love to hear coming from my own H one day!
Lastly, it kinda goes without saying considering the forum we're on, but if you haven't read "Divorce Remedy" yet, then get yourselves a copy ASAP. There are several pages in the chapter on Infidelity which are addressed directly to the person who had the A.
Thanks for all the feedback. I recognize that as the spouse who went outside the marriage I am guilty. It was my decision. I begged to go to counseling for the first four years of marriage. It fell on deaf ears. The first pregnancy was great, we did everything together. I was completely attentive to her every need.
I don't know, it is hard for me to say anything because I look and sound guilty and defensive. I am all of those things. I KNOW that what must be addressed is the issues that set the conditions for the affair. I fully understand that. That is what I am fighting so desperately for. I have no alterior motive for what I want. What I want desperately, as I sit here crying and typing this, is to get to a mutually agreed upon starting destination, hold hands, say I love you, and make the journey of a lifetime together. I could care less where we go, I want to enjoy it with her, and only her. I know what I did was wrong and hurt her. I know I caused many of the things in our marriage, first and foremost her current feelings. All I want and have ever wanted is to be loved by her, for her to be attentive to me, to reciprocate everything I gave her. The purpose of "The 5 Love languages" is to recognize how you receive and how your spouse receives love. I know that, her's is quality time. I want to share my life with her, to be an open book and have her challenge me. My perception before was that she didn't care or couldn't express any interest in me. At the time of the affair starting, she admitted she contributed to it.
What I did was/is and always will be completely wrong. I took a vow and I want to honor it. Who we are as idividuals is a function of where we have been. I have rediscovered who I was when I married her and I want to give that back to her, hold her hand and build a marriage that others are jealous of. I have told her that for three years. And, despite the fact that what I heard back was, "I see that as an expectation and pressure and I can't live up to that...." I still want it and believe it tennable.
