ST and L21989, I totally get what you're saying about never knowing what's going to happen, what changes the WAS may make, what might develop in a year. And you're also right about the kids: I get that I owe it to them to keep trying, at least while I'm able.
And Heim, I'm with you: certainly not depressed. I'm not with you in the love I'm feeling for the WAS and wishing I could see him in the morning and the evening. Maybe if I concentrated on a more positive him, I might like to see *that* person, but he's buried pretty deep right now.
So here's the thing, I think, maybe...: Letting go of *wanting* H is a huge relief. Not only does it help my PMA, GAL, etc, just the letting go itself feels good. I feel strong. I feel confident. I'm looking forward to life without him. (This may be what you were talking about, ST.)
I feel like I've moved on in my heart. I don't hope he'll change his mind; I don't feel like I've "lost hope," because that sounds negative. This is more of an absence. In fact, right now, I hope he does *not* change his mind.
So I find myself in this place where I think, wow, is that really all the fight I had in me? Is that how much I was willing to go through, for me, us, the kids? A piddly three months? Doesn't sound like much. It's a combination of feeling relieved and great on one hand, and a bit guilty for having let go so fast.
I've been thinking, boy, it's a good thing H is so certain, because if he did change his mind, I'd have to give it a shot and right now I do not want to. I wonder whether it's possible that this attitude is affecting the sitch, keeping him away from me (if he were even going to move back toward me).
Of course there's no way to know, and I get to go along being the one who wanted to work it out but didn't have the chance. Thoughts? Does that make sense?
Now, if I wanted to leave the door open, I'm not sure what I'd be doing differently. I'm friendly and pleasant, doing things for me and the kids, building the life I want. There's more I could be doing for me, and I'm working on getting there. But re H, I'm not sure what else to do.
I talked to my acquaintance the family court judge yesterday, and she's getting together a list of lawyers who do collaborative Ds for me. She said many cautioning things---wanted to know whether I *really* trust H not to hide funds, etc---and that was sobering. I asked her about dating, and she said we're no-fault here, so no worries about that.
She did say that if I were to do something like have guys staying at the house, H could claim I'm an unfit mother. So no worries about the D, but cautions re the kids. Very scary stuff. She said it would be a good idea to "limit dating" until things are worked out legally.
She echoed Nomo's caution that reassurances are worthless, said get it formalized in an S or D agreement. It was funny to me that she cautioned to make sure we're really, really done before getting a D, as if that were the end of all possibility. She also cautioned that mediation was going to be expensive---funny, considering it sounds a lot cheaper than traditional D, even with consulting attorneys on the side.
I went last night to volunteer at this great organization, hung out with some cool women, and am looking forward to working at their big upcoming event. Definitely cool, centered people. We can all use more of those in our lives!
