NikkiB #21

[NikB]

Thanks ST! I am drinking lots of water and taking cranberry tablets. I can't drink that much cranberry juice or the garlic due to my stomach issues (produces so much stomach acid, I'd be miserable!). I'll see if any of those herbal products look like they might work.

Had a bit more R talk with H last night and this morning. It's been awhile - last time was basically the last bomb. He went to bed, I went to take a shower. He'd left his phone sitting out on the coffee table and it was going NUTS. Text after text, then started ringing. I tried to avoid the urge to look but finally did and yeah, a half dozen or so texts from his latest EA plus a call, all after he'd gone to bed.

H heard the phone beeps as I was looking at it. (how he can't hear the LOUD ring and text notifications but hears it when I'm looking at it and it's quietly beeping? Dunno but weird). The messages weren't THAT bad but clearly they had plans tonight (her and a group of other coworkers) that he flaked on. This has happened a few times before, every time he doesn't go wherever with her and her group of friends, she texts him CONSTANTLY, even after he asks her to stop. After he quit texting in front of me he's had to actually leave his phone in the truck because she wouldn't quit. [I can only wonder, how long will THAT be attractive??]

I know bed time isn't exactly the time to have a big talk but I did a little bit. Especially with this infection I have... we haven't ML that often but a few times when we both felt like it... and well, it got me worried (and feeling a bit stupid that I keep trusting him that he's not sleeping around).

So..

Me: H please just tell me the truth. What's going on with this girl?
H: Nothing.
Me: That's not true and you know it. What's going on?
H: She and [name] and [name] (couple of male coworkers) hang out a lot and I sometimes go with them.
Me: Sure seems to me like she's the only one that texts you.
H: Well. yeah. I'm not sleeping with her or anything, if that's what you're asking.
Me: Well partly. But I'm also asking what IS going on with her.
H: Nothing. We just talk.

I dropped it there and we went to sleep. It was really late by this time. Didn't sleep all that well but not too bad, all things considered.

I went back and forth on it this AM but finally decided to talk to him more. Not angry and doing my best to have no sadness, just talk to him. We ended up talking most of the time he was driving to work. Heck if anything a 180 for us IS talking about things instead of pretending nothing's going on.. so maybe it's a good thing. Upshot was..

Me: H please tell me what's going on.
H: With her? Don't worry about her.
Me: No in general, what's going on? I feel like you're trying to replace me then kick me out of the house. It's how it looks from my side.
H: No, I'm not doing that. We need to talk more, huh? I hate talking about this stuff.
Me: I know but yeah, I think we do.
H: Are you still seeing [our MC]?
Me: No - I saw her that one time awhile back to ask what was going on, haven't seen her since then.
H: Well I guess I should tell you what else she said. She said I need to make a decision one way or another and stick to it.
Me: While I kind of agree with that, I think it's a really big decision and not one to rush into unless you're sure.
H: Yeah, I know. But it's been over a year. [I was just happy it wasn't suddenly up to 15 years]
Me: Yeah, I know. I really regret that we didn't go see her when you first came home and things were good. I feel like we only went to her when we were at the point of a major crisis decision, never when she might have been able to actually help us.
H: Yeah, I see your point. [his tone sounded good here]
Me: I just want to give it every chance we can, you know?
H: Yeah. I'm not rushing into another R or something, you know that right?
Me: That's not how it looks from my side, but ok. So I guess I just want to know, do you have any more hope for us working things out?
H: [MC] told me I had to make a decision.
[I took this to mean that he might have hope but he's fighting it because he's made a decision... could be wishful thinking, I know]

I forget exactly the rest of it. At one point I told him I wasn't ready to file anything but I also wasn't going to roll over and disappear, or leave until things were securely in place, he kind of grunted and said "I know."

I was going to mention the sep/room thing but he was already late for work, so we agreed to talk more about it later.

So frustrating.. some of his actions seem positive. He's been coming home more, making it a point to tell me where he is/has been (all verifiable stories), things like that. All the stuff he was doing last year when he says he was trying. Hugs, kisses, goodbyes before work, etc. It's nowhere near enough, but positives. And on the flip side there's at least one new EA going on (it actually seems that the first one has died out, maybe her new boyfriend wasn't so happy with it), a complete lack of emotional connection, and he's actively distancing himself from me. And obviously, him saying that he wants it over - although he's taking no steps to make that happen. Well, unless you count the emotional pain on my side - I do think he's hoping to make it just bad enough that I'll leave, without hurting me too much. (if that makes sense... just how it feels).

So tired today.. physically, mentally, emotionally... just tired. Hoping work goes by quickly and then I can come home and enjoy handing out candy to the kiddos.