Here's what I really want at this point in my life. I just wish I could find a guy who would have sex with me 3x a week, go out with me to do something fun once a week, be reasonably affectionate to the level of "I am really quite fond of you" and reasonably validating to the level of "nice jeans". I am fully self-aware of my toddler nature and what I need is CONSISTENCY. I am willing to compromise on quality/preferences and/or quantity of food if I can just be assured that dinner will be served at 6. I wonder which enneagram type is most reliable?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I apologize if I offended any Type 4s. They make excellent friends, seriously hot short-term sexual partners and wonderful creative collaborators for me but I simply do not understand what it is that they want from me when they get all introverted and gloomy. In a friendship, I can just back-off until a Type 4 is ready/willing to be my playmate again. In a LTR, I seem to err whether I seek further intimacy or give them space. So, I give up.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm not worried about him getting a crush on me, I'm worried about him getting attached to me as a maternal figure.
That's a whole different thing... and a very legitimate concern. My bf's ex has gone through a LOT of boyfriends since the divorce, and their twins have gotten used to men coming and going. That CAN'T be good for them. I've been such a steady presence in their lives that one of the things that gives me pause when I think about dumping him is what it would do to them.
Maybe you should start spending less time with the two of them. Gradually taper off "family" activities. What do you think?
The Type 4's are introspective and moody, for sure. Since there is a child involved, it might be the better part of valor to start backing off a bit.
The type of R you describe-- getting together x times per week, emotional closeness, affection, but lots of room, would IMHO be IDEAL. In fact, my R with my bf would be ideal if there were just some sex in the equation. Everything else is exactly what I want in terms of closeness and distance.
The type of R you describe-- getting together x times per week, emotional closeness, affection, but lots of room, would IMHO be IDEAL. In fact, my R with my bf would be ideal if there were just some sex in the equation. Everything else is exactly what I want in terms of closeness and distance.
It's entirely possible that I just do not have the emotional energy to be in a relationship at this time. Perhaps I should just concentrate on Health and Wealth and either be celibate or find a f*ckbuddy of the jolly-slap-you-on-the-*ss-"See you on Friday" variety. If my romantic fantasy is hot sex in Italy with an intelligent, affectionate man, my cynical take on my recent experience would lead me to believe that if I work on Wealth to the extent that I can afford the trip and Health to the extent that I maintain my curves in their current firm form then finding an interesting, attractive and affectionate sexual companion becomes the easiest part of the equation.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
LOL- I guess you missed my posts about NG and I having sex within minutes of my arrival at his house or GP dragging me down his hallway to the bedroom. I'm doing my very best to date men who are HD relative to me. The problem "I" have been having is more a difficulty in trying to communicate my sexuality without being misunderstood. For instance, if a man were to ask me "How much affection and romance do you need in order to be sexual?" This is not an easy question for me to answer even if I strive to be as fully self-aware and honest as possible. It's like if a man asks me "Do you like your coffee sweet and creamy?" and he's standing there holding a pint of Hazelnut creamer and a can of whipped cream. I'm not stating a false preference if I say "Yum. Give me some of that and one of those yummy chocolate straws too." even though it is also true that sometimes I can really savor it straight up hot and strong. For instance, GP and I were hanging out all leisurely naking out one day with the understanding that we would be getting it on later in the afternoon and he got a call from his son's school saying that he would have to pick him up earlier than anticipated. So then GP was saying something like we better chill it on the making out because we would only have time for a quickie. Now, pre-BB Mojo would have just said "So, let's just have a quickie." but post-BB Mojo understands that GP is conveying both a desire to have a quickie AND a desire to be a nice BF who doesn't want to impose a quickie on me. So...I actually thought for a minute about what my true preference/best choice would be. Then I said " A quickie is good in the right context." because I basically agreed with him that the current context wasn't the best. Then I proceeded to tease him pretty much mercilessly until it was time to pick up his son in a manner that was quite enjoyable and validating for all involved.
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Cemar, I don't get the idea he's LD... he's very HD. He's just showing his moody, mopey, introspective Type 4 colors. Type 4's aren't necessarily LD.
I found out that GP wasn't really in a Type 4 funk. He was just in silent male work mode. I was just feeling neglected/rejected because I'm not used to that with him because he's retired and he's usually constantly touching base with me because he has one of those wireless earpiece cell phone things so he'll just call me from the shower or the grocery store etc. It was actually kind of annoying to me at first but then I got used to it. It's interesting that he purposefully used my female tendency towards not dealing well with social isolation to get me to bond with him whereas BF, having a similar philosophy, is trying to find the rare woman who deals well with social isolation. It's also interesting that although I am fully aware of my tendencies in this direction, I can do little to change them. Kind of like recognizing that you're cranky because you are hungry is helpful but doesn't negate your need to eat something soon. That article that Lou posted on the topic was really useful for me because it made me realize that this tendency is just natural.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Are you a social 7 or a homebody 7? I forget the exact name of the latter, but close enough. I could see where you would have a tough time being alone frequently if you are the former, esp. after a huge emotional trauma like the D. I am on the other side so I need the alone time to decompress/focus, but still enjoy interaction.
I hear you on the Type 4 push-pull thing, drives me batty when I need to get close and she is off on the introvert-gloom phase. If I have a ton of stuff going on all at once as usual, I don't notice it since I'm too distracted. One thing I noticed about my D was I didn't feel like spending much time by myself for maybe 6-8 months afterwards, took that long to get back to my old self. I hate being even quasi-needy and relying on anyone but sometimes that's the way it is. So yeah, you need stability and tea/sympathy till you get over this, I can identify with that. Sort of the anti-7, though.
Are you a social 7 or a homebody 7? I forget the exact name of the latter, but close enough. I could see where you would have a tough time being alone frequently if you are the former, esp. after a huge emotional trauma like the D. I am on the other side so I need the alone time to decompress/focus, but still enjoy interaction
I would say that I'm neither or both. My Type-7ishness varies with context. I might "explore" something in a book or "plan" for fun on my own and then I might find somebody to babble to about my new discovery or plans and possibly recruit a playmate with my enthusiasm or I might reverse the order and go find a playmate and then accompany them out into the world to explore and have fun together.
My need to touch base socially is more feminine than Type 7. It's like I just periodically have the urge to check on "my people" and make sure they're okay. I think men do this sort of thing too but they're more likely to do it by "reinforcing the fortress" or "walking the fence"rather than checking on the emotional/physical status of the inhabitants. Because I got accustomed to GP phoning me regularly, when he skipped a day I had to check on him because he didn't appear at my location when I expected him as he was circling.
Does anybody remember that marriage contract that I threw at Cobra? How can I find it in the archive? The reason I am asking is it is slowly dawning on me that GP keeps throwing out hypothetical plans for some sort of partnership/relationship and I was trying to remember what I was willing to offer back in the "bad old days." I think Uncle Lou would be very proud of me at the moment because I am actually trying to be sensible. I have decided that I shall follow the philosophy of Zola and strive to be a Pragmatic Romantic/Sensualist. Zola would say that romance/desire are tenuous luxuries that can only be maintained if practical realities are first attended to in a manner that renders them as able to be ignored.
Anyways, here is the "contract" or "proposition" I am considering in some sort of hypothetical manner. GP is 52, retired (although still works at secondary professions on free-lance basis), has 12 year old son. He has a decent pension, nice home but not a lot of extra cash to throw around. He generally likes being retired and able to play rather than work but is kind of bored and lonely around the margins. I am 42, self-employed at profession I mostly enjoy, have 16 year old daughter. My current financial situation is cr*p because a certain PAL left me in the lurch holding the adult end of the stick but once I clean up the mess, I'll probably be in possession of a genteel impoverished book dealer's income, a really quite reasonable debt load, a credit rating from hell and about 7500 rare books which I own outright (however these do represent a portion of my genteel impoverished income distributed over approximately the next 3 years.) If I am not misreading GP's intentions, I believe he is suggesting an economic/social/sexual alliance that would have his set income/financial base providing us with economic security while my flexible economic situation would provide us with luxuries and the time to enjoy them because I could cut back the time I spend on my business to the most profitable level. So our joint lifestyle would go something like this:
5 AM : We both workout for an hour. 6 AM : Kid stuff 7 AM : Leisurely breakfast and conversation. 9 AM : I work on my business. He plays video games. Noon : We go bargain grocery shopping together because we're both frugal about the basics. 2 PM : Hot sex. 4 PM : I work some more. He starts dinner. 6 PM : Kid stuff 8 PM : We get dressed up and go to the movies or the casino etc.
So what do you guys think? Would that be a good deal for me?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I know the dilemma of being self-employed. Once you get the bug... there just really is no going back. Unless you do contract work.
My take on this began a long time ago, when I came up with my 'happiness theory.' It is similar to a hierarchy of needs thing, with my own Corri twist.
It pretty much goes like this. Rather than an inverted triangle... you've got more of a circle type thing of basic needs. I spare the elongated description of said needs, and where it all falls, unless you want to know (I made a graph. ) I know, I know, shocking that a type 5 like me would graph such things out.
Once these basic needs are met, the stressors that send that ball spinning will largely depend upon what you decide to throw upon it (i.e., debt to income ratio, and where you decide to put your money. Some people are house poor, for example. But do you NEED the big house, or do you WANT the big house, kwis?)
What I personally see you facing... is what my shrink hounded on me, just a mere few days ago.
You are in Single Mom Mode.
This pre-empts all the animals in the zoo, the zoo keeper, and the rare books. Throw in your Type 7 female personality, and I can see where you'd come up with this list you've garnered.
Meaning. Get divorced FIRST. THEN come up with a list. Even though the former is a foregone conclusion... the actual conclusion, on paper... introduces... OTHER thinking. Right now... you are playing in a game you technically are not really in. And even though you are living that way, and feeling that way... there just isn't anything like seeing it on paper.
Nothing.
Nothing.
And though this GP fellow seems like a very cool guy for you... stand down. Don't rush. You have emotional waves that will come at you, regardless of whatever you are thinking... RIGHT NOW.
Be a friend. Be a friend who has sex, and is nice to his 12 y/o... maybe cook, eat and bake cookies, enjoy yourself. But... I'm sorry sweety, you just aren't DONE yet. No matter how much it feels like you may be... even if it LOOKS that way, FEELS that way, SMELLS that way.
And you aren't divorced yet. Or annulled, or whatever y'all do.
This has... influence in ways I can't describe to you, or point you to, or even convey to you.
The stress you have been under.... though you are 'out there,' etc., you were 'hitched' for a very long time. He's out in Colorado, with some female nail pounder, sending you sh!t ass letters, doing the emotional guilt trip on your kids. You are on the verge of being an empty-nester.
I realize... **I** am Patron Saint of Patience (giggle). But you CANNOT rush the grieving process... even if you feel like you are DONE (and I know you are)... you just cannot rush it. Believe me, if there were a shortcut, I would have found it by now and passed it on to you.
Your monkey is keeping you entertained and distracted as all this goes down. Good for your monkey. Thank God for your monkey.
When all is said and done, all is said and done. You will go through months of revising. And then you'll revise some more. You may go back to said (up top) original plan. You may.
But until that time... don't put anything on paper. Don't make any major moves. Don't sell the farm (unless you just get a great fcking deal). Don't clean out your closets. Don't make any major decisions. <--- HEAR ME? Seriously. Don't.
Do what you do, and be KIND to yourself. Make lists. Keep them. Put them away. Make other lists.
And I am TELLING YOU THIS from experience. Look, I know I am anal out the whazoo. I can tell you... I probably know more, right now, about... uhm... medical stuff... than most doctors know (cuz I've got something that no one can seem to get off their azz about and TELL ME...). I can budget better than any financial planner, I know more 'fix it guys,' found the best mechanics to watch over my car... know the state of every mechanical and non-mechanical device in and around my home... my roof, my chimney... my foundation... and by god, if you don't know more about it than me... well...
Not saying you do that. But if you aren't... then... you are still in that... 'shock' mode. Wait until your hot water heater goes out and see what that does to you. You may not recognize yourself.
Long way of saying, Mo. Stand down, honey. Give yourself a little time. If this guy is worth his salt, he won't be pinning you against the wall for any kind of answer. If he does... he's looking for a mom for his kid. (I've done that, too... so... talk to me, I can give you the signs).
I'm not saying this to scare you. I love your toddler who runs along the edge of the pool with a pair of sicssors. I've felt that. I also became the school marme who researches everything from potential structural mold spores to... well.
My shrink said to me... "look, when you get to Heaven, I want you to pound on the Pearly Gates and ask for a refund. You didn't ask for any of this. But until you get there... I want you to listen to me, now. Now. More than ever."
Enjoy yourself. Let this guy step up and take care of you. You have always been the one to 'take care.' I suck at it, honestly. I always have. But under the weight of SMM (Single Mom Mode), I can tell you... go slowly.
K?
Let the monkey have fun. Let the SWAN/cow bake cookies... let the lioness her head (she's very intuitive)... but believe it or not... your bunny is ruling the roost right now, and I think you should listen to her.
Be good to yourself, honey. I luv you, and I know you know it. I adore you. If I lived up in MEECHiGAN... you and I, I am sure, would be fast friends, trolling book stores to our hearts content.
Be good and true to YOU, first and foremost, right now. I don't know too many men, retired... who would content themselves with video games. What is engaging his MIND? What is engaging his SOUL? Why is he not out looking for it?
No Hill for a Swimmer... is of retirement age. That man does NOT sit idle. And though I could see him playing a video game or two, if he wanted... it just wouldn't engage him for most of the day, even if he were the primary care giver of his daughter.
See? You got a 50-something man playing video games... I'd say you've got a... uhm... issue.
But you can't see it... becuz... you are war weary.
) I know, I know, shocking that a type 5 like me would graph such things out.