Just found out that OW has a kid!!

[Ophelia]

Thanks, Strange. I believe in those little things that aren't mere coincidence as well. It feels like God, or the universe, or something giving me a sign that I shouldn't give up yet. But then I feel like I'm such an afterthought to him these days that it kinda knocks the hope right outta me again, so my head and my heart are on the craziest rollercoaster ever, (and I hate rollercoasters!!).

Got an email from him today. As I had suspected, he made no mention of us catching up in person, and instead gave me a link to the site where he's uploaded all of his holiday photos.

In one of them he's wearing this stretchy kinda pink headband, and the caption on the photo is something like, "The pink headband belongs to a friend. I promised I'd take it with me and get photographic evidence." Hmmm, "friend" indeed, I'm sure. He's wearing it in several photos, including one of him at the summit of the mountain. Now, I know it's slightly insane to get all bent out of shape over a frigging pink headband, but assuming the "friend" it belongs to is indeed OW, it pisses me right off that he kinda took her up the mountain with him. Meanwhile, I have no way of knowing if he took the St Christopher medal and compass charm I gave him, because he hasn't mentioned them.

It just gets to me because I'm the one he first told he was gonna do the climb, which was the big life affirming adventure for him, and it's like she's swooped in and stolen away the opportunity for me to share the experience with him.

He also asked in the email if I'd gotten the cheque yet, which must be the cash he owes me from the property settlement. Well no, I haven't gotten any cheque yet, and part of me kinda hopes it just gets lost in the mail so that I can say, "This wouldn't have happened if you'd just dropped by to give it to me in person."

Anyway, now I've gotta figure out how to broach the, "want to see you so I can give you a congratulatory hug for reaching the summit" topic. It really is pretty pathetic that it's been nearly a whole year since we last saw each other! Fair enough if he wanted to avoid me around the time I had my meltdown over him being with OW, but that was in January for God's sake. Is he scared to see me again, (and if so, why exactly)? Is that why he's avoided the topic for so long?

I sent him a birthday card yesterday. I take forever to pick out cards at the best of times, and this is far from being the best of times. There was one card that said on the Front: "Forget about the past. You can't change it." Then on the inside it said: "Forget about the present. I didn't get you one." I came *this close* to getting that one. Debated it for a good 10 minutes in fact! I'd called the medal and charm I gave him before he left for Africa an early birthday present though, so it didn't quite fit, and I over-analysed all the different ways he could have interpreted: "Forget about the past," and concluded that I didn't want him reading into that that he should forget about all the good times we had. You know you're losing your mind when you're trying to find the deep and philosophical meanings in the products of the good people at Hallmark.

I sent him a txt today just saying, "Happy Birthday, old man," (what with the turning 30 and the early mid-life crisis he doesn't think he's having and all). Took him several hours to reply, but I did eventually get a, "Thanx".