I am glad you can see the hurt that you have caused. Acknowleding that is a big step forward. I am assuming you have ended the A. When you ended it did you do so in a way that it was obvious to your W you ended it?
My H had an A for 18 months. I didn't know about it until he told me which caused the A to end so I have no experience of what it is like to live for a prolonged period with someone who is having an A. However I imagine you will see what it is like if you go and read some threads on here. See the pain, try and understand it.
I am not suprised your W swatted your hand away 18 months ago when your son was diagnosed. You must have been 18 months into your A then so I think her behaviour then was understandable.
I can see why you felt lonely though prior to the A and if you manage to keep your M together you need to address the problems that existed. Since my h had his A I have had to realise that he did what he did for a reason and I had a big hand in that.
Why do you think your wife lived with the A for three years and why do you think she is making a stand about it now?
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
So, your wife knew about it for 3 years? Did she tell YOU she knew, or did she keep it to herself? Did you stop the affair because you found out she knew? Why do you think you got into the affair in the first place?
Now - to give you some advice for dealing right now: You have NO IDEA of the pain you have put your wife through. Whatever you imagine multiply it by 10 - or 100. Step one is for you to accept complete responsibility for your actions and to acknowledge that she's totally right to throw you out. Step two is to show her STARTING TODAY that you can and will be a better man in every aspect of your life; a better father, a better worker, a better friend. Tell her you know that your words are meaningless to her right now, but that you love her and intend to prove it with your ACTIONS.
You spent 3 years destroying her love for you; it may take 3 years to win it back. Are you man enough for the challenge?
Ellie
Yes, I am man enough for the challenge. I will acknowledge to her that she is right, thank you for that insight. Because of her patience and love, I have turned to God, or tried to share with God my fears and guilt. I pray daily.
She told me she knew. We sometimes talked about it, but I felt dirty for talking about it with her. I tried to hide it even though she knew and I knew she knew. I got into the affair because at the time that it happened, I felt completely lost and abandoned. It started a month after our daughter was born. When she got pregnant, she did not want to be pregnant. She threw the home test at me. Then for the 9 months, while I was finishing the basement, I felt ignored in any attempts I made to make life easier for her. I begged to get a baby sitter so we could have dinner together, I cooked meals, I did laundry I went to Dr's appointments. She HAD to know the sex of the baby, and I didn't want to. But it was written on a card in our bedroom available for me to look at at my leisure. I felt completely emasculated and taken for granted. I gave my love not because I wanted anything in return, I gave it to make her happy. We did not have sex from the second we found out she was pregnant in either case, which I was not involved in deciding that either. After our first child she felt it would be better to stay home and not work. I had no say in that either, but I READILY supported it if asked.
I had the affair because I felt my life was passing me by with someone who did not care about me. I wanted to be payed attention to, just once.
What has changed??? Well, I took a vow to see this through to death. I am NOT the same person I was three years ago. I accept responsibility for the things I did to influence our marital situation. I love and respect my wife and want to prove that to her. I accept the fact that it was/is just as much me as it was her setting the tone of our marriage.
Wow! Getting lots of responses pretty quickly. I guess we all need to hear things from the other side.
Originally Posted By: Lousy Husband
I ended the affair for many reasons. First and foremost, it was the right thing to do; secondly I got caught in another lie and couldn't keep doing this to her; lastly, it was wrong to have it.
Sounds like the 1st and 3rd reasons are the same. My question to you if I were your W would be this...
So I can see that it is ended, but are you really, truly done with the A from an emotional perspective? Do you still want this woman? Will you backpedal months down the road and decide that you need to go back to this woman? Why should I be satisfied as the second choice and how can I be sure I will become #1.
Quote:
My assessment of the Factors: My wife's grandmother was widowed at 3o something and never remarried. He mom and father don't sleep in the same house and I have never heard them say to each other, "I love you," never seen them hold hands, never seen a dialogue about anything other than the next meal. I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition four and a half years ago and DW only went to the cardiologist with me once. She never cried about it or even asked how I was feeling; she never showed any fear. 18 months ago our son was diagnosed as potentially being on the Autism Spectrum. I reached for her hand during the diagnosis and she swatted in away.
Sounds like there are certainly intimacy / affection issues there. I've heard from my W, my counselor and people on this board that the A is not the reason for the problems. The underlying problems are what has driven the person to the A. Request that you both go to counseling. This will be a sign to your W that you are committed to working on things, but I think it will also be necessary if you are going to get past the underlying issues.
Quote:
I completely accept responsibility for my actions. It was my decision to have the affair. It was my decision to end it. I felt abandoned in my marriage. It is too easy for me to sit here and say my wife alone made me feel abandoned and blame everything on her. She stood by me for three years while I made her miserable. The affair was never about sex, or excitement. It was to protect myself so that I didn't feel so alone. Not sure that makes sense.
Good to hear that you take responsibility for what you have done. Now you need to man up and try to fix things. Don't know if you W is in a position to accept you back, but at least you can work on fixing you for now. Actions speak louder than words.
Wow! Getting lots of responses pretty quickly. I guess we all need to hear things from the other side.
Originally Posted By: Lousy Husband
I ended the affair for many reasons. First and foremost, it was the right thing to do; secondly I got caught in another lie and couldn't keep doing this to her; lastly, it was wrong to have it.
Sounds like the 1st and 3rd reasons are the same. My question to you if I were your W would be this...
So I can see that it is ended, but are you really, truly done with the A from an emotional perspective? Do you still want this woman? Will you backpedal months down the road and decide that you need to go back to this woman? Why should I be satisfied as the second choice and how can I be sure I will become #1.
Yes, you can be sure because I was ready for it to be over all the time. If I truly wanted a divorce I would have done it three years ago. I have nightmares of losing my kids and my wife and while during the A it felt good to be comforted, it felt dirty and wrong.
Quote:
My assessment of the Factors: My wife's grandmother was widowed at 3o something and never remarried. He mom and father don't sleep in the same house and I have never heard them say to each other, "I love you," never seen them hold hands, never seen a dialogue about anything other than the next meal. I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition four and a half years ago and DW only went to the cardiologist with me once. She never cried about it or even asked how I was feeling; she never showed any fear. 18 months ago our son was diagnosed as potentially being on the Autism Spectrum. I reached for her hand during the diagnosis and she swatted in away.
Sounds like there are certainly intimacy / affection issues there. I've heard from my W, my counselor and people on this board that the A is not the reason for the problems. The underlying problems are what has driven the person to the A. Request that you both go to counseling. This will be a sign to your W that you are committed to working on things, but I think it will also be necessary if you are going to get past the underlying issues.
I have been in counseling for 9 months. Truthfully, I accept responsibility for me. Every counselor I have seen has encouraged her to address her issues and then for her and I to go together to a counselor. I call her everytime I am at the counselor's office so she can see I am there. I even found her her own counselor, but it turned into a single mom support service. I accept that because that is what she needed, but it didn't address any of the family of origin or personal issues.
Quote:
I completely accept responsibility for my actions. It was my decision to have the affair. It was my decision to end it. I felt abandoned in my marriage. It is too easy for me to sit here and say my wife alone made me feel abandoned and blame everything on her. She stood by me for three years while I made her miserable. The affair was never about sex, or excitement. It was to protect myself so that I didn't feel so alone. Not sure that makes sense.
Good to hear that you take responsibility for what you have done. Now you need to man up and try to fix things. Don't know if you W is in a position to accept you back, but at least you can work on fixing you for now. Actions speak louder than words.
I pray my wife is in a position to accept me back. We have both talked so much about wanting to work on things together but we have not ever done that. We are both strong in our faith and the decision to divorce impacts both families. My family LOVES her and she has indicated previously a stronger closeness to my family than hers.
Look, this is not all about her, I swear. I know I made the mistake and the decision to run away. At this point in my life, going forward, I am running towards her. I am completely willing to change anything and everything to make her happy. Admittedly it scares me that I might lose myself again, i.e. change who I am to elicit response from her, but I don't want to be divorced. All I want is for the meal to match the menu, and for once to have my wife cry in my arms. I cannot tell you how profoundly lonely it is to never once have your W just stop you and tell you that she loves you or do something for you. I live/d every day with one goal, to make her happy because it made me feel good to do so. Not because I want anything in return. Now, I still maintain that goal to make her happy every day. I just don't know if she wants me to anymore.
I still don't know what has made her decide this now? Also you may now be living to make her happy and you may have been the same in the beginning but for THREE years her happinnes was not your priority. Whatever you say, for three years not wanting to be lonely and wanting to be loved were your priorities.
Your M obviously had issues and those have not been addressed. I applaud your resolve to work on things now but if she had problems showing affection before I would have thought she would be even more cool now. You have got some hard work to do as far as I can see - you need to prove in actions what you are saying in words. Did you ever agree to break off your A before and then not do it?
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
All I want is for the meal to match the menu, and for once to have my wife cry in my arms. I cannot tell you how profoundly lonely it is to never once have your W just stop you and tell you that she loves you or do something for you.
Glad that you are doing counseling for yourself and it does sound like you are truly committed to fixing the R. It also sounds like you W needs to get into C herself. Again, there are underlying causes that triggered your looking to have your needs fulfilled elsewhere (and not just sexual). You say above how profoundly lonely it was. If things don't change in your R, the loneliness will continue and will stray again.
Look into a book titled "The Five Love Languages". It should be in the religion section of a B&N, although it is primarily about relationships. Also look at the website http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Good information on the site about identifying you and spouses emotional needs.
All I want is for the meal to match the menu, and for once to have my wife cry in my arms. I cannot tell you how profoundly lonely it is to never once have your W just stop you and tell you that she loves you or do something for you.
Glad that you are doing counseling for yourself and it does sound like you are truly committed to fixing the R. It also sounds like you W needs to get into C herself. Again, there are underlying causes that triggered your looking to have your needs fulfilled elsewhere (and not just sexual). You say above how profoundly lonely it was. If things don't change in your R, the loneliness will continue and will stray again.
Look into a book titled "The Five Love Languages". It should be in the religion section of a B&N, although it is primarily about relationships. Also look at the website http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Good information on the site about identifying you and spouses emotional needs.
We have read the 5 Love Languages and went on to read, "The Covenant Marriage" both by Gary Chapman. I highly recommend both of them.
Good for you that you are trying to get help! It's already a big step.
I know you have answered lots of questions already but I couldn't understand weather you felt abandoned before the second child or if this situation was happening before.
My point is that besides of what everybody else already stressed about ending the affair and showing remorse one very important thing for you to rebuild her trust is to understand why you truly did it.
I understand your point of feeling abandoned. What I can tell you from my experience is that my husband had his mess when I was going through a very hard time in my life. Despite that he tried to compensate in other ways just like you did for your wife, I felt abandoned when I found out that the support he was giving me was not complete since he had to deposit part of his emotions outside the marriage. It was not because I was broken that I wasn't in this marriage anymore. I do not want to judge you but try to see it with other eyes. She was having issues with the pregnancy, I cannot tell for sure but you probably did not look for outside counseling to figure her issues out so she was trying to solve them for herself along with her needs. Nevertheless she did not cheat on you.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that a bad marriage even with no affair in the picture, is a consequence not the cause. Probably you will have a better chance if you understand what was the cause.One mistake does not justify another. It can explain but not justify.
Her mom and father don't sleep in the same house and I have never heard them say to each other, "I love you," never seen them hold hands, never seen a dialogue about anything other than the next meal.
My parents are similar, (apart from the not sleeping in the same house thing, and they do practically everything together so always have stuff to talk about). Same with my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles. As a result, I'm not overt with the affection either, at least not around family. I'd just feel weird being all lovey dovey with H in front of my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't still love my H.
I'm not really surprised your W was so cold to you. Imagine if she'd been having an A, and you knew about it, and she knew you knew about it, but she just went on having it anyway. Would you think any emotion you got from her was sincere?
As for her coldness before your A, that sounds like a case of you guys not having dealt with the stuff surrounding her first pregnancy. But you both probably didn't know how to deal with it, and maybe you even just hoped things would get better on their own, so you didn't see the need to get into it back then. I think you've gotta go into it now though. It might feel like ancient history, but if you don't address where the problems started, then they'll never really get fixed.
I think it's fantastic that you're finally doing the right thing, and much of what you wrote I would dearly love to hear coming from my own H one day!
Lastly, it kinda goes without saying considering the forum we're on, but if you haven't read "Divorce Remedy" yet, then get yourselves a copy ASAP. There are several pages in the chapter on Infidelity which are addressed directly to the person who had the A.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Her mom and father don't sleep in the same house and I have never heard them say to each other, "I love you," never seen them hold hands, never seen a dialogue about anything other than the next meal.
My parents are similar, (apart from the not sleeping in the same house thing, and they do practically everything together so always have stuff to talk about). Same with my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles. As a result, I'm not overt with the affection either, at least not around family. I'd just feel weird being all lovey dovey with H in front of my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't still love my H.
I'm not really surprised your W was so cold to you. Imagine if she'd been having an A, and you knew about it, and she knew you knew about it, but she just went on having it anyway. Would you think any emotion you got from her was sincere?
As for her coldness before your A, that sounds like a case of you guys not having dealt with the stuff surrounding her first pregnancy. But you both probably didn't know how to deal with it, and maybe you even just hoped things would get better on their own, so you didn't see the need to get into it back then. I think you've gotta go into it now though. It might feel like ancient history, but if you don't address where the problems started, then they'll never really get fixed.
I think it's fantastic that you're finally doing the right thing, and much of what you wrote I would dearly love to hear coming from my own H one day!
Lastly, it kinda goes without saying considering the forum we're on, but if you haven't read "Divorce Remedy" yet, then get yourselves a copy ASAP. There are several pages in the chapter on Infidelity which are addressed directly to the person who had the A.
Thanks for all the feedback. I recognize that as the spouse who went outside the marriage I am guilty. It was my decision. I begged to go to counseling for the first four years of marriage. It fell on deaf ears. The first pregnancy was great, we did everything together. I was completely attentive to her every need.
I don't know, it is hard for me to say anything because I look and sound guilty and defensive. I am all of those things. I KNOW that what must be addressed is the issues that set the conditions for the affair. I fully understand that. That is what I am fighting so desperately for. I have no alterior motive for what I want. What I want desperately, as I sit here crying and typing this, is to get to a mutually agreed upon starting destination, hold hands, say I love you, and make the journey of a lifetime together. I could care less where we go, I want to enjoy it with her, and only her. I know what I did was wrong and hurt her. I know I caused many of the things in our marriage, first and foremost her current feelings. All I want and have ever wanted is to be loved by her, for her to be attentive to me, to reciprocate everything I gave her. The purpose of "The 5 Love languages" is to recognize how you receive and how your spouse receives love. I know that, her's is quality time. I want to share my life with her, to be an open book and have her challenge me. My perception before was that she didn't care or couldn't express any interest in me. At the time of the affair starting, she admitted she contributed to it.
What I did was/is and always will be completely wrong. I took a vow and I want to honor it. Who we are as idividuals is a function of where we have been. I have rediscovered who I was when I married her and I want to give that back to her, hold her hand and build a marriage that others are jealous of. I have told her that for three years. And, despite the fact that what I heard back was, "I see that as an expectation and pressure and I can't live up to that...." I still want it and believe it tennable.
