Hey all, I'm looking for a bit of advice on next steps.
Some of you may know me from the "Separated, What Now" board. I've been there just about a year now. The current situation is that my wife wants to work on being friends again. We've been separated almost a year and are still trying to iron out a separation agreement. We aren't officially piecing but there are plenty of indications and roundabout comments that we both would like to head in that direction even with the sep agreement.
To continue, my wife has some deeper wants of which some she's not expressing directly but we've discussed. We've had some discussions around this and I have asked specifically and the bottom line is she wants, a) to feel less pressure to be the family provider(she's the primary breadwinner), b) wants to have more time with our girls, c) wants me to be the financial provider, d) wants us to be friends again, e) wants to feel appreciated and loved again.
We both recently read The 5 Love Languages and have shared the results of that with each other. Her primary language is Acts of Service. Honestly I love doing stuff for her. For me, I actually have two primaries, physical touch and quality time/conversation.
We do end up talking just about every night when we each call to talk with our girls. She seems to be making a greater effort to chit chat during these calls and when we do spend time together. She also has organized a weekly lunch together and also typically wants me to join her and the girls for dinner on Sunday evenings.
As for speaking my love language, the difficult thing for her is she's not a talker but I am. Her language of Service is somewhat difficult because she views things she can pay someone to do as not really counting. But being separated doing service acts like dealing with leaves or the broken A/C is about all I can do right now.
Interestingly its the "sweet nothing" acts of service that really meant the most to her. A good example would be I created a home spa event for her one night when she returned from a long business trip. I had laid out a towel, housecoat and pjs for her with a little note designed like stationary from a spa. Then set up the bath tub so she could take a relaxing bath with stuff I bought her. (This was done recently too.) So stuff like that she really loves. Another good example is I turned down the bed one night, left her a little note wishing her a good night and a chocolate on the pillow. (BTW, she keeps all these little notes too.)
Now here is my question and where I am struggling a bit. We've discussed what she wants and when I ask about being the family patriarch, providing for the family and me speaking her love language, she says "that would be nice" in this pleasant almost wishful asking tone.
So how do I go about doing that and not creating pressure on her, looking needy or just plain doing too much than is needed at this time? Using things like the LRT or basic DBing techniques seem very counter intuitive to what she's telling me but I still feel like maybe I need to follow DBing even more closely too.
She has taken to asking for assistance on bigger things and I have tried to catch things and take care of them before she asks. But yet I still feel like I need to do either more or something different too.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Now here is my question and where I am struggling a bit. We've discussed what she wants and when I ask about being the family patriarch, providing for the family and me speaking her love language, she says "that would be nice" in this pleasant almost wishful asking tone.
So how do I go about doing that and not creating pressure on her, looking needy or just plain doing too much than is needed at this time? Using things like the LRT or basic DBing techniques seem very counter intuitive to what she's telling me but I still feel like maybe I need to follow DBing even more closely too.
I am not around piecing very much and I admit this is the first post I have ever read of yours, catfan, but what you wrote is confusing.
If you are going to be the patriarch, how would you look needy? How would that create pressure on her if she wants that from you? Being the patriarch means taking control.
Also, DBing tells us if something isn't working, do something different. I don't know what is counterintuitive about that. Also, LRT. Not sure how this fits right now.
What I am saying is that you need to better define what it is you are trying to accomplish by being the patriarch that she says she needs.
Again, I don't know your story, so if I missed something, I apologize. But there seems to be a basic incongruence in your thinking.
So one thing it seems is she still needs or wants "space", hence the continued separation. That to me indicates I need to be carefully not to do too much. If I do too much I risk creating pressure on her. As we know from DBing the last thing you want to do is create pressure on your walk away spouse.
Yet she wants me doing things and I want to be doing them. I just need to find a good balance point for right now and am struggling with that.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Yet she wants me doing things and I want to be doing them. I just need to find a good balance point for right now and am struggling with that.
catfan, I would think of it less as a struglle and more as solving a problem. For instnce, setting the timing on a car. You never hit it the first time and then you adjust. You keep adjusting until you find the proper set point. Obviously, human emotions are tougher to set, but you do seem to be talking with your W, so that is a positive. All you can do is to pay attention to the signs.
Good luck. Don't drive yourself nuts. You are better off screwing up and being cool enough to know when to change than you are to struggle and show your lack of coolness.
So a bit more to add this evening. She returned from her conference and I was home with our girls. She was excited to see the girls and apparently glad to see me. But she really wanted to see the girls.
We chatted a bit like we have been doing and clearly she liked sharing and having me ask about things. BUT it was clear to me she needs space right now. She's made a few steps forward but is still a very long way off. So the balancing act for now, more space with a few sprinkled acts of service.
BTW, my wife went out of town yesterday morning to go to a conference. So I was at our home with our girls while she was away. I decided to do something nice for her for when she returned. So I had turned down her bed ala turndown service at a hotel, left her a fresh towel, pjs, a basket with bath salts, lotion and such along with a note telling her here was stuff for her to help her relax after her 3 hour drive. She really appreciated the thought and effort. Don't know if took advantage of it but she appreciated it nonetheless. Its nice to know it was greatly appreciated. I had also taken care off the enormous amounts of leaves that had fallen the last few days making the driveway difficult to drive up. She specifically mentioned the leaves to me and thanked me.
Now I'll give her a few days to space.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I read over a few of your posts starting with the first. Seems to me you are doing the right things. My only questions (and this could be merely from not a full reading) is what are you doing for you. Obviously, the marriage stuff can be all-encompassing, but you still have to make sure that you have your life.
I've spent a lot of time over the last year really working on me, my values, wants desires, etc. The major issue my wife had was she no longer wanted to be the major provider for the family, she wanted to be just a working mother. I had taken a backseat and let her take care of more than she should have been doing.
In all my soul searching I discovered I had turned away from being the patriarch of the family. I was miserable and realized what I really wanted was to be the patriarch of the family. It became glaringly clear early this year as I helped my father remodel their basement. He's a career naval officer and an "in charge" type of guy. Well he'd being just messing around and I was sick if the mess he was making. As we worked I began to bark orders at him and he started replying "yes sir". That's when it all came very clear to me. Ever since I have been much more at peace with myself than I ever have. But now I am very, very anxious to get started doing the same for my family. So I have to be very careful not to apply any pressure to my wife with this regard. BTW, her 2nd big want is a patriarch of the family. She's eluded that she wants me in that role but she's still very skeptical hence why she hasn't officially said, lets work on our marriage but only eluded to that idea.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Much of what you said, I could infer from the mere fact you are here and read the DB book.
I am asking you about you outside of trying to save the marriage.
I ask because here is what I see. You are is trying to redefine yourself without perfect knowledge of what his wife wants. It is an easy trap to fall into. Also, you still have to be the person you want to be regardless of what happens to your marriage.
Food for thought from someone who failed to save his marriage yet tried to do what he thought his (ex)wife.
imp, you know over the last 4-6 weeks I really have withdrawn a good bit. Not in a negative way but because my wife and I are talking a lot more and she's starting to make some more clearly defined attempts and attitude I have focused too much energy towards it all. Honestly I have started to feel bad because of it. So your comments are right on the heels of me realizing all of this.
So time to get back involved with the GALing activities. My car club for one, my group of friends that I have basically abandoned, more involved with my family (parents and siblings) and a bunch of buddies I have. In other words I need to pick myself up, dust off and get going. I had fallen down and didn't even realize it!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Cool, catfan. It is so easy to lose yourself in all of this stuff. Just go and enjoy. And if I may suggest, leave your problems behind. One of the best things I did was not to involve my best buddy in any of my crap
