Wow! Getting lots of responses pretty quickly. I guess we all need to hear things from the other side.
Originally Posted By: Lousy Husband
I ended the affair for many reasons. First and foremost, it was the right thing to do; secondly I got caught in another lie and couldn't keep doing this to her; lastly, it was wrong to have it.
Sounds like the 1st and 3rd reasons are the same. My question to you if I were your W would be this...
So I can see that it is ended, but are you really, truly done with the A from an emotional perspective? Do you still want this woman? Will you backpedal months down the road and decide that you need to go back to this woman? Why should I be satisfied as the second choice and how can I be sure I will become #1.
Yes, you can be sure because I was ready for it to be over all the time. If I truly wanted a divorce I would have done it three years ago. I have nightmares of losing my kids and my wife and while during the A it felt good to be comforted, it felt dirty and wrong.
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My assessment of the Factors: My wife's grandmother was widowed at 3o something and never remarried. He mom and father don't sleep in the same house and I have never heard them say to each other, "I love you," never seen them hold hands, never seen a dialogue about anything other than the next meal. I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition four and a half years ago and DW only went to the cardiologist with me once. She never cried about it or even asked how I was feeling; she never showed any fear. 18 months ago our son was diagnosed as potentially being on the Autism Spectrum. I reached for her hand during the diagnosis and she swatted in away.
Sounds like there are certainly intimacy / affection issues there. I've heard from my W, my counselor and people on this board that the A is not the reason for the problems. The underlying problems are what has driven the person to the A. Request that you both go to counseling. This will be a sign to your W that you are committed to working on things, but I think it will also be necessary if you are going to get past the underlying issues.
I have been in counseling for 9 months. Truthfully, I accept responsibility for me. Every counselor I have seen has encouraged her to address her issues and then for her and I to go together to a counselor. I call her everytime I am at the counselor's office so she can see I am there. I even found her her own counselor, but it turned into a single mom support service. I accept that because that is what she needed, but it didn't address any of the family of origin or personal issues.
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I completely accept responsibility for my actions. It was my decision to have the affair. It was my decision to end it. I felt abandoned in my marriage. It is too easy for me to sit here and say my wife alone made me feel abandoned and blame everything on her. She stood by me for three years while I made her miserable. The affair was never about sex, or excitement. It was to protect myself so that I didn't feel so alone. Not sure that makes sense.
Good to hear that you take responsibility for what you have done. Now you need to man up and try to fix things. Don't know if you W is in a position to accept you back, but at least you can work on fixing you for now. Actions speak louder than words.
I pray my wife is in a position to accept me back. We have both talked so much about wanting to work on things together but we have not ever done that. We are both strong in our faith and the decision to divorce impacts both families. My family LOVES her and she has indicated previously a stronger closeness to my family than hers.
Look, this is not all about her, I swear. I know I made the mistake and the decision to run away. At this point in my life, going forward, I am running towards her. I am completely willing to change anything and everything to make her happy. Admittedly it scares me that I might lose myself again, i.e. change who I am to elicit response from her, but I don't want to be divorced. All I want is for the meal to match the menu, and for once to have my wife cry in my arms. I cannot tell you how profoundly lonely it is to never once have your W just stop you and tell you that she loves you or do something for you. I live/d every day with one goal, to make her happy because it made me feel good to do so. Not because I want anything in return. Now, I still maintain that goal to make her happy every day. I just don't know if she wants me to anymore.
