Hi, new here and my H is in MLC at 32.

[txbutterfly]

Wake up this morning and I feel like I see where this is headed...what I feared most seems to be the sitch...I am going to have to end this M. He won't end it, and he won't commit to it, either. I told C yesterday that "it looks like I'm going to have to do it after all, and I don't want to get a D, it goes against my values". C told me yesterday to consider it NOT as if I'm getting D, but "not able to have a marriage" with H.

It doesn't matter what you call it. I was never the one who wanted to end the M, it was him...and he's tried a couple times & I fell apart...and he came back...but it's gonna be me. I mean, it *could* be him, but I think he's waiting for me to do it. To set him free so he doesn't have to feel guilty about ruining my life. Ba*tard.

And all the while, I am losing more and more of my time, my life to him. I gave it freely while married. But now? I feel like I am giving it to a black hole, throwing my life into a garbage can...waiting for it to be hauled away. This isn't a relationship anymore, I'm giving and getting nothing back. I have a feeling though, that if I ended it, he'd get really pissed & go "live it up" with a bunch of other women, which I don't want of course...and b/c we work together we have SO much contact...I would see and/or hear about it all, I am sure.

I know if I go through with it, I have to be in the right place:
• I am not doing it as a ploy to get him back.
• I can handle the possible consequences of my decision & action.
• I know there is nothing left there for me to go back to.

I think I might call one of the DB coaches soon, never done that & I could use some advice right now. I don't want to bail too early but I also don't want to hang on like this forever.

I HATE this b/c I think there IS still a part of him that does want to be with me, that does love me, that CAN'T imagine me not being in his life. But SO LONG AS there is a part of him that wants to roam free and experiment, I'll never have all of him & THAT ISN'T A RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE. Even if I dumped him & he came crawling back...how would I ever know he was really "back"?

I feel like I should just let him go.
I don't think I can do it without hating his guts though.