I am new here. I just ended a lengthy affair. My wife finally said it is over on Sunday. I have been a jerk and a liar and selfish. I love my wife and need support and advice. I want to save our marriage because I love her and our children very much.
Oh boy. Just curious, did you end the affair BECAUSE your wife said she had enough? It doesn't matter much but does kind of give an idea of your frame of mind.
First recommendation is to read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy (I have only read the latter). I don't know what advice to give you for right now though.
How long has your wife known about the affair?
It may seem like prying but more details may be needed to get a better idea of where both you and your wife are at:
How long have you been married? How many kids/ages? How long was the affair going on? Has there been a history of problems/concerns during your marriage?
The details will be very important in trying to help you out.
The folks here are very helpful, but I'm not sure how often the spouse who had the affair shows up here. But marriage is marriage and you're here for support and guidance.
I have faith that everyone will do what they can to help you through this.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
LH, I think you can gain a lot of knowledge from us who have been the left behind spouse and we certainly can gain a lot from you. It will be nice to see both sides. Maybe we can figure it out from both sides.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I agree with yoyo. Welcome, hopefully, we can help each other. mcc posted some great questions to help us get to know you and your situation better. Take care.
So, your wife knew about it for 3 years? Did she tell YOU she knew, or did she keep it to herself? Did you stop the affair because you found out she knew? Why do you think you got into the affair in the first place?
Now - to give you some advice for dealing right now: You have NO IDEA of the pain you have put your wife through. Whatever you imagine multiply it by 10 - or 100. Step one is for you to accept complete responsibility for your actions and to acknowledge that she's totally right to throw you out. Step two is to show her STARTING TODAY that you can and will be a better man in every aspect of your life; a better father, a better worker, a better friend. Tell her you know that your words are meaningless to her right now, but that you love her and intend to prove it with your ACTIONS.
You spent 3 years destroying her love for you; it may take 3 years to win it back. Are you man enough for the challenge?
Oh boy. Just curious, did you end the affair BECAUSE your wife said she had enough? It doesn't matter much but does kind of give an idea of your frame of mind.
First recommendation is to read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy (I have only read the latter). I don't know what advice to give you for right now though.
How long has your wife known about the affair?
It may seem like prying but more details may be needed to get a better idea of where both you and your wife are at:
How long have you been married? How many kids/ages? How long was the affair going on? Has there been a history of problems/concerns during your marriage?
The details will be very important in trying to help you out.
The folks here are very helpful, but I'm not sure how often the spouse who had the affair shows up here. But marriage is marriage and you're here for support and guidance.
I have faith that everyone will do what they can to help you through this.
Thanks for all of the questions. - I ended the affair for many reasons. First and foremost, it was the right thing to do; secondly I got caught in another lie and couldn't keep doing this to her; lastly, it was wrong to have it. - We have been married since 2000, so seven years this past July. - We have two beautiful children, a boy 4.5 years, a daughter 3 on Saturday - Did I have concerns, yes. The way my wife and I interacted scared and concerned me. We never had sex, when we did things together I felt like she was there in person, but did not participate at all. We never argued, or finished one because she cried as soon as the tone in my voice changed.
My assessment of the Factors: My wife's grandmother was widowed at 3o something and never remarried. He mom and father don't sleep in the same house and I have never heard them say to each other, "I love you," never seen them hold hands, never seen a dialogue about anything other than the next meal. I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition four and a half years ago and DW only went to the cardiologist with me once. She never cried about it or even asked how I was feeling; she never showed any fear. 18 months ago our son was diagnosed as potentially being on the Autism Spectrum. I reached for her hand during the diagnosis and she swatted in away.
My role:
I completely accept responsibility for my actions. It was my decision to have the affair. It was my decision to end it. I felt abandoned in my marriage. It is too easy for me to sit here and say my wife alone made me feel abandoned and blame everything on her. She stood by me for three years while I made her miserable. The affair was never about sex, or excitement. It was to protect myself so that I didn't feel so alone. Not sure that makes sense.
Did I answer all your questions? To be clear to anyone who reads this, I f&*ked up big time. I ran away. I recognize my errors and am trying to prove my trustworthiness and love. I am not alone right now, I am at my parents house.
So, your wife knew about it for 3 years? Did she tell YOU she knew, or did she keep it to herself? Did you stop the affair because you found out she knew? Why do you think you got into the affair in the first place?
Now - to give you some advice for dealing right now: You have NO IDEA of the pain you have put your wife through. Whatever you imagine multiply it by 10 - or 100. Step one is for you to accept complete responsibility for your actions and to acknowledge that she's totally right to throw you out. Step two is to show her STARTING TODAY that you can and will be a better man in every aspect of your life; a better father, a better worker, a better friend. Tell her you know that your words are meaningless to her right now, but that you love her and intend to prove it with your ACTIONS.
You spent 3 years destroying her love for you; it may take 3 years to win it back. Are you man enough for the challenge?
