one fault I had in our relationship I believe I wasn't appreciative enough, I didn't show I loved her. I haven't been showing any of this or saying ilu. how do I do this?
This is what is so sad with H's. They don't do any of this stuff when they are suppose to and then the W realizes that when she tries to tell him what she needs.....he isn't really listening to her and he doesn't "get it" and doesn't do any changing. So, she gets enough and is ready to leave for a better life.....then the H reacts like you have done. That is why many W's feel that the H's attempt is too litte too late b/c the W has had to emotioanally divorce herself from the M and build up a defense wall around herself to protct her feelisng for such a long time. When she got tired of trying to tell the H what she needed, she shut down and he thought everything was okay. But, it wasn't and so when the bomb hits, the H is all shocked and goes off the deep end and gets all hurt b/c the W is not responding like he thinks she should.
You are still refering to her having dinner with that man as a blind date, but she tried to tell you it wasn't a date. You still won't believe her and still throw it up. However, you spent the night with a "friend".....did you tell her who it was? Or, did you just go home acting like everything was all cool only to find out she was upset with you. Then you couldn't understand why she was in a bad mood! You don't get it do you? I'm sure it was not a woman you spent the night with. however, when posting to us you just refered to a "friend", just like your W had done about having dinner with a "friend".....but do you see the diffence you are making here? It is okay for you, but not for her?
No, I don't think if you are going to stay in the same house that she should go on "dates"......real dates. I do think she should be free to come and go as she wants to as long as she makes arrangements for the children. After all, she is trying to figure out what she wants and you are wanting her to stay under the same roof with you until she can realize what she wants to do. You are hoping she will come to her senses and see that she loves you and wants to be your wife. True? But, the thing is that you want her to continue to behave as she is your wife, and I can understand that.....but here is the thing....the reason she took the ring off is b/c she doesn't want to feel like your wife right now! She doesn't want you treating her as a wife.......the control issues, etc. Most men just can't give that up when it comes to their W. You are wanting to still have control and dictate to her......as shown by how you over reacted with her having dinner with the "friend".
I know you still love her and you are scared. It is very fragile times. But if you feel that the more you spend time together....the better, then why is she insisting that she leave?
I think your only hope is to give up on the past R and try for a new one with her. That will require a lot of work on your behalf. If you were slack in giving her what she needed during the MR....she probably won't trust you to stick with it again. She will be afraid that it is just to woo her back and then you will stop. My advice is to treat her as though she is not your property/wife but a free agent and that you are trying to win her amoung all the other men out there. That meaning, she will have to fall in love with you...the man she sees now....from start...fresh and brand new. Can you do it? Is it worth it to you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
