There and Back #12

[SallyM]

hey all, thanks for the kind words. yes, I slept, well, some, last night. not enough, but better.

I ended up snuggling under a throw and watching a couple of eps of Cold Feet last night (had to see what happened when on the eps following the baby-drop-off). really painful to watch, but not so much that I can't. I just wanted to give her a hug. they are doing a really good job with it I think.

ended up falling asleep eventually, a little later than I'd like, but still by midnight. was up at 5am. woke up from a dream...okay, tmi here, but in it I had finally decided to go ahead and sleep with someone (other than my h) for the first time in 14 years. it was weird, it didn't get too detailed, we had just started kissing (no idea who the guy is, btw) and I remember thinking it was really weird kissing someone else...just different. I was comparing techniques, I think. lol. anyway, I woke up before, well, before. just woke up. gee, think even my subconcious isn't ready to go further yet? lol.

anyway, I lay in bed for a bit just reflecting on things a bit. I still feel okay today. am wondering if it is just a high and if I will come down off of it, like I did with the scary ep the other day? Its not intense like that, don't get me wrong. more like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I do know tough/sad days are ahead of me on occasion, but I'm afraid the peace I feel will fade. or maybe it will just grow, with little bumps here and there. kind of hoping for the latter.

the kids and I have had a nice morning. the twins were up first and we were having fun snuggling on the couch and talking halloween things. I had them laughing so hard pretending that s3's bear was trick or treating, singing a candy song along the way. fun to just have fun with them. they are so awesome. S3 didn't to trick or treating last year, it really scared him, so he stayed home with the grandmas who had come over. this year he says he is going, but I can already tell he's getting nervous. he timidly asked if I would hold his hand and stay with him when we went. absolutley, buddy.

H called a bit ago. I think there is a part of me that still wants him to regret his choices, to realize the error of his ways, to realize that he is, indeed, losing a good thing by letting me go. so I was a wee bit annoyed (barely niggled, nothing major) that he sounded so as if/upbeat/chipper. I guess I want him to feel just a little bit sad about it all. but hey, maybe someday he will, maybe he won't. but regardless of my fantasies, he sounded fine. and I sounded fine. and I will move on. the distance I am keeping will help. for a second, though, I felt a small amount of weight coming back onto my shoulders, but I brushed it off, and stood tall again.

I just miss him sometimes. I miss the man I knew, the man I loved. I miss him.

ahhh, well, other fish in that calmblueocean, right?

and honestly, as much as I miss the companionship ( and yeah, I hear you all yelling, the sex), I am pretty content on my own right now.