W sent an e-mail about a couple of things and at the end thanked me for sending her a response. W said that my view and feelings were very different from hers and she wanted some time before sending a response. I sent a quick reply saying that I was glad she read the e-mail and to take as much time as she needed.
So the next move is hers. Obviously she is going to talk about this with her IC and we will see where that leads. As I told my IC yesterday - there is so much more going on here than meets the eye. The Elephant in the Living Room will need to be talked about - whatever shape it is...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
We had a pretty quiet evening. W got off from work early to run an errand or two so she was home with the kids when I got there. D had volunteered for a church-run Halloween activity so W offered to drop D off then take S to his piano practice and to the church. So I had a couple of quiet hours at home catching up on some paperwork.
Before I left work yesterday, I called my parents to update them on my IC visit yesterday. Mom and Dad are extremely worried that W may have the services of a lawyer based on W's desire for an in-house separation. I told them that it was likely that W's IC suggested this as a way of getting "unstuck" and from all indications (W's calendar and our bank account activity) that W did not have a lawyer but they are insisting that I line someone up. I understand my parents' view that they do not want me to suffer any more and that the kids need to be protected - but the reality that I am aware of does not match their perception. So now I have this in addition to the already large amount of stressors in my life...
But today is another day - I'll try to keep my PMA up and get through the day with a smile and a calm feeling in my heart.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Usually I don't pull out the laptop during the weekend but I get to wait while my "luxury sled" (aka our minivan) is getting some routine maintenance done.
Still haven't heard or seen any response from W concerning my e-mail from Tuesday. I know she has seen her IC and will be meeting with a couple of friends (all female) during the weekend for a concert and dinner. So I'll continue to play the waiting game and let her make the next move.
It doesn't help that it has been much more stressful than usual at work this week but it has been a bit tougher than usual to keep my PMA up. Something that I have found useful is to focus on the things that W does well. She does care very deeply about our kids and really does want the best for them.
W is taking the kids to visit relatives today so it will be a pretty quiet day for me. I do need to get a gift and card for W's birthday as well as groceries - maybe I'll treat myself to a visit to the bookstore as well.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Pretty quiet remainder of the weekend. W appeared to enjoy her visit but did not volunteer anything. And she seemed chipper when she got home last evening from the concert and dinner she attended.
So I figure it is around 3 AM this morning when I hear W busy typing away on the computer. Sure enough - there was a reply waiting for me to read on e-mail.
Knowing how stressful my work day is going to be today, I decided NOT to open it before I left for work. I'm taking D to an appointment late this afternoon so I'll print out a copy when I get home and take it with me. I will have a bit of quiet time and can digest it at my leisure and possibly mention this to D's IC so she will be up to speed on the latest.
Not trying to have any expectations but I suspect the tone and content from W will not be good and it will be "more of the same" from her. But we will see. Good thing I have my IC's number to leave a VM with him - I may need a face-to-face before my next scheduled appt after Thanksgiving.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
AG - the goal was to say what I had to say concerning W's plans and as a way to communicate with W about our R. On most other levels, we do communicate pretty well but R talks have been something that very much lacking on both of our parts. As to what I wanted to acheive with the letter:
1) I wanted to make sure W knew how her actions were affecting our children and that they have noticed something definitely wrong for quite some time. My IC and I divined from W's original e-mail that there was a sense that W thought the kids were doing just fine when in actuality they were not.
2) There is also something else at work here - something W does not wish to address on her part (the dreaded "elephant in the living room"). I had hoped to be able to draw more info from W as to why she has such a strong hatred / loathing of me. And no - the porn from nearly six years ago is not what is driving W now.
Anyway, I had a chance to read through W's response to me. I am not going to comment now - I will let everyone read it and give their take on it:
H:
Thank you for your Oct. 30 email. After reading it, I briefly wrote to you that I found your view to be very different from mine. In some ways, that's true. You don't seem to think the in-house separation I proposed is a positive solution to a problem, and you presented to me that my options are to either: (1) create a stable, strong, growing, and happy marriage, or (2) move out. I have already considered these options you presented, and at this point I don't see either of them working.
On the other hand, I agree with much of what you wrote. The in-house separation does not seem that different from how we've been living for the past many years. And you're right, it is sad that you find yourself contriving excuses for why things are the way they are. I was disturbed to learn from S recently that you (apparently) told the kids you are feeling left out. Thus, for us (or me) to sit down with the kids and tell them why you and I have such separate lives feels like a good step, not a bad one.
You asked for my suggestions as to how I can "make a positive contribution to the nuts and bolts of grocery shopping and cooking." How about I prepare half the meals? Perhaps you would handle meals for calendar days 1-15, and I'll handle them for the rest of each month. Granted, my dinners may be modest, considering how late I generally get home from work.
According to your email, the ownership of a continued separation or divorce rests solely with me. So, after I get the Christmas decorations cleared out, I'll move my personal belongings into our guest room (unless you'd prefer the guest room). Before I move my stuff down, I will call a meeting with the kids and explain to them (to the best of my ability) what I wrote to you about earlier. I'd start the conversation by explaining that it is a "divorce talk" but that, at this stage, we are only undergoing a separation. I'm sure it would be a good idea to talk with them about what might be the same versus what might be different. Let me know if you want to participate in this initial conversation.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Do you think that W is feeling overwhelmed and inadequate in fulfilling her responsibilities as a mother, W ane professional and she think the answer is to run away.
I know that for me I feel like I can balance my life as a professional and as a good mother. I am very wary of adding a R to the mix b/c I feel like I will simply be setting myself up for failure b/c I will just have too much on my plate.
It is possible that W is doing one of the reactions to fear (of failure in her case) fight, flight or freeze.
AG - your point is likely on the mark concerning fight/flight/freeze. W is probably just as tired of this dance as I am but for whatever reason she only sees a negative response as the preferred option. Also, this path is very familiar for her but now she does not have family so near that she lean on them like she did in the past.
Waiting on a call from IC about this. I don't want to harden my heart against W - it is blatantly not healthy for me but I also need to do what I can to educate myself about this Bataan path W wants to pursue. So I have another call waiting on that front. I want both us to find peace within ourselves - and I need to remember not to enable W on this.
I hope that I have the strength and wisdom to deal with whatever comes my way - for all of us. I had doubts in the past but I don't feel as nervous and sick as I expected...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
