My weekend was very nice--H did many nice things for my birthday, took me on a quick overnight trip, arranged for sitters on Saturday (a FIRST!), organized a family cake-and-ice-cream party.
So he's doing a lot of nice things, and I'm starting to fall off the wagon with what-ifs and should-haves.
There is a part of me that, for whatever reason, has a hard time believing that anyone would hurt or lie to me. I don't know if it's naivete or denial, but it's there, and I think I need to be careful of letting my natural trusting nature lull me into a false sense of security. Ya'll know the story of the frogs in the pot of water.
On the way home from our little getaway last night, the full implication of an episode from six months ago hit me. I don't know why I didn't get it before now, maybe it's because H has not traveled alone since then and he was talking about needing to go again soon.
The last time he went on a work trip, he had been gone for a week or so when he gave me a story I've heard many times before: "x happened, so it looks like I'll be here over the weekend instead of heading out tomorrow." Alarm bells went off in my head, but I let it go, telling myself that I can't be worried about what he's doing all the time. The next day, acting on a gut feeling, I flew to his city to see what he was up to. I followed him around for a day, followed him to OW's home, watched him get in a car and drive with her to a mall. All the while, he's calling me, chatting and being silly. He called me more times that day than he ever has. I don't know for sure if anything more than a trip to the mall happened. It could have been as simple as that, it could have been an all-weekend sex-fest. Either way, he definitely was not behaving faithfully.
So anyway, I don't know why it didn't really knock me over until now, but I just realized that all the calling was about him trying to throw me off, put me at ease, make me think that everything was fine, that he was being faithful.
I'm a big girl. I know he's going to do what he's going to do. I know it's got to be my choice to forgive and move forward. And really, I have. But what if he's just laying low for awhile and trying to get me settled down so he can resume his double lifestyle?
What if, what if, what if?
I know I need to let go of the past. Letting go does not mean forgetting and setting myself up for repeated trauma though. I need to get my head wrapped around healthy boundaries and consequences.
I guess I just needed to get it out of my system. Blech.
